Tuesday December 22nd to Saturday December 26th 2009 – A Happy Christmas

Hectic is the only way to describe my day.  So much to do and so little time and with my wife now at home for school holidays, no chance this morning to do my regular depilation, exfoliation, moisturisation and general pampering of myself.  Time enough only to pull on a pair of pink lace panties and a matching bra beneath my male outer clothes.  With meetings in the city in the afternoon and much to work on in the office in the morning my day was full and then we had the office Christmas party in the evening.

On Wednesday though, i was up and out of bed before 5.00am and busy in the office finishing a little work but also putting my things together to go to Mistress Ana’s house and do Her cleaning.  i needed to get everything together in advance of others arriving to work and did so comfortably.  i also set up a number of jobs for my staff to get on with while i was out of the office, which was all day.  i left the office at 8.45am having delegated jobs and responsibilities and arrived at Mistress Ana’s just before 9.30am.  i had taken my dirty lingerie and a dress that also needed washing and put those into the washing machine the moment i arrived.  As i passed the downstairs bedroom, being used at the moment by Mistress Ana’s son and daughter in law, i noticed that the bed had been made but had since been lounged upon and so was untidy.  i could not resist going in and straightening it.

In the laundry, i noticed shoes that must belong to Mistress’ daughter in law.  i stopped briefly to admire two pairs of heels, thinking what good taste their owner had and wishing they had been my size for i admit that i liked them so much i doubt i could have resisted trying them on had they been anywhere near big enough!  i was surprised though, once in the laundry, to discover a small dog outside, whining at the door and wanting to get in and it yapped for a while once i had left and gone upstairs and changed into white lace bra and matching thong, white thigh high stockings, black patent leather stiletto heels, black mini skirt and black blouse, white apron and my long red wig.  For good measure, i added some lipstick and then set about my chores.

All of the curtains were drawn so i opened them up so as to get a good look at what might need doing and decided first that i would dust and wipe down all of the surfaces.  i worked systematically from Mistress’ en-suite bathroom, Her bedroom, then office and additional toilet before doing the kitchen and lounge followed by the staircase.  While doing so, i noticed that the bedroom and office windows really needed to be cleaned so i did them both inside and out.  While i was on the balcony outside the bedroom and office, i became conscious of a man from over the road being out in the front of his house doing some work in the garden.  i wondered what he was thinking for he must have noticed a mini-skirted maid busy on the balcony and i also wondered if he had noticed that i was bearded! These thoughts did not phase me though and i just worked on as quickly and as efficiently as i could.

Part way through cleaning the windows, i realised that my laundry would have finished washing so went back downstairs to hang it out to dry.  i kept the dog from gaining entry but did pat it and make friends with it before taking in washing on the line that had dried and hanging out my own.  Once i had done the windows and dusted and wiped all the surfaces i vaccuumed the carpets and swept the floors.  i wanted also to clean the tiled floors but was running out of time, having a business meeting scheduled for 1.30pm, so i quickly mopped over the worst areas so at least the floors looked reasonable – not as good as i would have wanted them to look but at least better than they were.

i so wished that i had had more time to have been able to clean the house more thoroughly and all the time i was cleaning there, knowing that Mistress’ daughter in law was living there, i was very conscious of the fact that in a way, i was essentially setting a standard by which someone else, other than Mistress, was going to judge my work.  Just as when Mistress’ youngest son was living there, i knew that he would see the results of my efforts, so too would Mistress’ daughter in law and i felt that she, being a woman, would be a far more severe judge of my efforts and i so wanted my work to be good enough to satisfy her for in a way, my performance reflected the control, influence and training i have received from Mistress Ana and for me to underperform would in a way reflect upon Her and any adverse criticism was the last thing i wanted.  Only time will tell whether i succeeded in my efforts to please all concerned.

Another strange feeling i had while working away at Mistress’ house was whether or not i might encounter either Her son or daughter in law in person.  i have said before that discovery, while humiliating, is something that i almost wish for because in my heart of hearts, i want people to know that i am a slave and belong to Mistress for in my opinion it could only add to Mistress’ already high esteem no matter what effect or how humiliating it might be for me and, as Her slave, the better i am in my work so too the greater the esteem reflects upon my Owner.  i do know of course that the true depth of my relationship with Mistress Ana has not been revealed to Her family and so would never do anything to change that but there is a certain part of me that truly wishes that it become general knowledge that i am owned by, belong to, am the slave of and gladly serve Mistress Ana, and that this is as much a function of my need to be known to be submissive as it is to raise the status of and aura that surrounds my Owner, Mistress Ana.

Christmas Eve was of course like a mad house.  i tried hard to complete outstanding work and send out new quotations and proposals for more work but didn’t quite get everything finished.  my children and grandchildren began arriving mid day but i had also to spend most of the morning running errands for my Wife – shopping for last minute things for dinner, lunch etc. as well as a couple of extra stocking fillers for my Wife.  The afternoon and evening was spent with family and we all enjoyed a lovely Christmas Eve dinner of roast turkey with all of the trimmings.

Christmas Day began with early Mass at the local church followed by our traditional full breakfast outside by the swimming pool, cooked by myself on the barbeque and washed down with champagne.  We then spent a delightful morning exchanging gifts with most eyes of course on my grandson of 15 months.  By early afternoon all guests had gone and my Wife and i were left to our own devices – time to check out my own gifts and quietly relax and recover from the hectic last few days.  On the excuse of needing to download pictures from my camera, i was able to get over to my office late in the afternoon where i opened the gifts given to me by Mistress Ana.  She gave me a lovely “baby love” pamper pack and some chocolates making me feel very feminine and much loved.  i do have a gift for Mistress of course but She will not be able to receive it until we meet up again.

Boxing Day is a big sports day in Australia and also a major shopping day in the sales.  The female in me would have loved to go shopping but not in the mad crazy rush of the sales so it was a quiet day watching sport on TV and entertaining occasional visitors.  Both yesterday and today i wore the same pink lace bra beneath my male clothes with pink lace panties to match.  No real opportunities to go online but i did find out why “My Virtual Model” is not working – they are re-vamping the site and it will be back on line on January 4th.  By then i will be in England and staying with my mother in law.  Not much chance to be femme in that environment and it will be difficult enough to wear even panties beneath my male clothes to say nothing of keeping the CB-2000 chastity device secret.  However, i am almost at the point where i would like it to be discovered by my wife.  It would take some explaining but i have an idea of the approach i will take as and when it happens and somehow i want Her to know that deep inside i need such control on my sexual function and also need to express my feminine side.  She need not know about Mistress Ana but it would open up an opportunity for Her to take advantage of the situation and take control, something i have longed for all of our married life.  However, i seriously doubt that She would change Her approach to me and my ways but it would take away the need for me to be so secretive about wearing female lingerie and of course the chastity device if She would only accept that it is something i need to do.

Wednesday December 9th 2009 – artistic? me? – perhaps i should go to night school?

Back to work today.  Up early, determined to get on with things as time is running out for me here in Lima.  i dressed quickly in maroon bra and panties, both satin with cute bows.  Was at my desk by 07.00am , where i slipped into maroon open toed stiletto heels, and got right down to work -  a lot of tedious legal stuff to work through!

Some nice surprises during the course of the day.  Managed to chat to Goddess Joyce online.  She is home and feeling better.  Baby Vincent is doing well, going for his first doctors check up today.  Goddess wants me to call over to see Her before i leave on Friday.  It will be Her mother’s (Senora Sylvia) birthday tea.  i will have to leave before 6.00pm to head off to the airport but i will go and say hello and deliver the silver spoon i have bought for Vincent and a silver photo frame for Senora Sylvia.

Another nice surprise was making a new friend on “My Virtual Model.” A lady who it seems has perhaps not worked out that i am a man and a sissy complimented me on one of my “looks of the day” and sent me a message saying how she liked it.  We exchanged a few messages online and became friends – i borrowed some suggestions for looks from her and will enjoy exchanging ideas on dress and fashion with her. She said she thought me to be creative, imaginative and artistic with my looks! Wow! No one has ever called me that before.

So, i was flattered and feeling more feminine than usual and the whole episode got me to thinking about what it would be like to go to “fashion school.”  There are a few of them here in Lima and i hgave to say the city has some wonderful clothing stores with individual designers.  However, i am really not artistic at all and could not draw to save my life.  But i couldn’t stop my mind wandering along this theme of perhaps being sent by Mistress to a school or night classes for example to learn things like make-up, or sewing, dressmaking or something so intrinsically female in nature that i would be the only male in a class of women.  How humiliating that would be!  i get aroused just thinking of it.  Yes, it would be more than just a little embarrassing but wouldn’t it be useful for a gurl who never had the benefit of such lessons while at school or from her mother as she grew up.

i am sure the first few lessons would be mortifying and that i would be a constant butt of jokes and ridicule but i would have to persevere if i were sent there by Mistress and not only would it make me even more humble but it would give me feminine skills that i would love to have and which would be so useful.

i sense that i could be digging a great hole for myself here for i have no doubt that this will also play on Mistress Ana’s mind until it actually happens but somehow i have a perverse desire for it to do so.  The practicalities of it may be difficult within my home city and with my work and travel commitments but…………………….one day!

Tuesday December 8th 2009 – memories of a $5 whore

A public holiday today in Peru.  Goodness knows why, it is not normally on their calender but apparently there was no military parade during their annual independence celebrations this year (July 28th) for some reason so they decided to hold it today and give everyone a holiday!  Not for me though.  i need to use every minute of my time here and although i could not meet any clients today it gave me chance to work through some data albeit in a more relaxed mode.

i slept in a bit later having stayed up later last night chatting with my business associate and flat mate on business issues.  It was almost 9.00am when i got out of bed.  i chose not to get out of my satin PJ’s straight away as all was quiet in the apartment so i began working on emails etc, while still wearing them.  In fact my associate did not stir until midday so i was able to lounge in my PJ’s until then when i slipped a T-shirt over the camisole top and a pair of shorts over the PJ shorts.  i was almost sure my flatmate would be going out and was waiting to be able to slip into full “femme” mode as soon as he left.  Alas, it was not to be!

i spent my day working on project data and dealing with emails and proposals, stopping occasionally to check if there was anyone online such as Mistress Ana, Goddess Joyce or Lady Dynah but not one of them appeared while ever i was online.  i tried calling Goddess Joyce again but still no answer so left a message.  i should go and visit Her but need details of the clinic, her room etc.  She might even be home again now for all i know.

i spent a little bit of leisure time adding to my experiences on Experience Project and made a few new friends who share similar interests and experiences.  Today, i shared my first experience dressed as a woman but serving a man.  This was some 22 years ago and it turned out to be only a one off because i got cold feet!  Not that the evening spent with him didn’t work out it was more that his longer term ideas for a relationship did not gel with mine once we chatted the following day.  As you can read below, he treated me like a prostitute which was not what i was looking for longer term.  i wanted to be treated as though i was female and to go out so dressed and socialise, go for dinner, the pictures and so on.  All he wanted was to visit me whenever he felt like, day or night for sex during which i would always be blindfolded and bound.  i think i could have coped with the sexual side of things if he had given me a little more such as having me cook for him, wash and iron his clothes or clean his apartment.  As much as i enjoyed my first experience as a whore, it was not what i wanted at the time and not what i would want now.  Thankfully, in serving Mistress Ana, i do get to do chores and run errands for Her as well as being used sexually as She may desire so i know that i am more than just a sex object.  Anyway, this first encounter of the prostitute kind went something like this…………

i entertained him at my apartment.  He had me unlock the door on receiving his phone call.  This meant he was outside.  i was then to blindfold myself and bend across the kitchen table with my hands placed behind my back.  i heard him enter the apartment and then felt his hands strongly take my wrists and cuff them together.  He then ran his hands up my nylon clad legs, over my suspenders and my panties, fondling my ass before moving up and cupping my breasts.  Oh, i cannot describe that feeling as he groped me, it was wonderful, exciting, arousing all at the same time and my cock immediately betrayed my feelings trying to break free from the black lace panties i was wearing.He had told me to dress like a slut and so i had.  In addition to black 4″ stiletto heels with an ankle strap and cute bow, i wore seamed black stockings, Victorian style corset with suspenders, black balconette bra, very short black mini skirt, flimsy see-through blouse, a long haired blond wig and heavy make up.  As i bent over the table, feeling his hands roam over my body, i began to ache not from discomfort but from a need to cum.  Just being touched by him was an amazing turn on for me.

Eventually, he stood me up and led me, still blindfold, through into my lounge where he pushed me down onto my knees.  i heard the zipper of his fly as i knelt there and i knew what was about to happen.  This would be my first time and i was prepared for it.  i wanted it. i had practiced sucking on dildos and tasted my own cum enough to have an idea of what to do and what to expect but i was not prepared for the size of his cock.  It was long alright but that was the least of my problems, it was also very thick, so thick i struggled to get it into my mouth.  i thought my jaw would dislocate, partly from the angle of my neck as i struggled to cope with his strong vertical erection from my position kneeling in front of it, trying desperately to get a little height so that i could get my mouth downwards over it.

i began licking the head of his cock and then along the shaft as i struggled for a position where i could take all of him but i need not have bothered for his hands soon locked onto either side of my head and began to manipulate me, moving my head and hence my mouth over his engorged member, working it down into my throat so that i could hardly breathe.  Gradually, i became more used to his size and to the frequency of his thrusting and my head being pushed against him so that i found a way of breathing between the thrusts which, after first becoming longer and deeper, began to increase in frequency until my whole head was forced against his abdomen, i could feel his balls against my chin and his cock so far down my throat i thought i would choke.  And he held me like that while his whole body convulsed and shook as he exploded inside my throat, pulling back a little then so that i could taste him as he shed his seed into my mouth.

Tears were running down my cheeks now, smudging my make-up.  They were tears of joy mixed with shame mixed with pain.  Joy at having been used as if i were a woman, shame at feeling like a slut and whore and pain from my aching neck and jaw as well as a sore throat.

As he subsided, he spoke gently but firmly to me, fondling me once again.  He held me to him and told me he was proud of me and how he was also going to rape my ass.  As i knelt by him in my blindfold darkness, a new fear possessed me.  His cock had seemed so big, how would my ass cope?

First though, he switched on my TV and loaded a pornographic video into the machine.  i could not see what he was watching but i could hear the unmistakable noises of sexual activity and i could feel his hand gently stroking his own member while he watched.  Not before long, he told me to get back to work on his cock and my head was guided down back over his newly erect member.  He did not manipulate my head this time but allowed me to quietly work my tongue over, around and along it, taking it fully into my mouth every so often until, after what had seemed forever, he stood up and guided me so that my face was down into the sofa.  i felt his hands pull down my panties and with his feet he pushed my knees as far apart as they would go.  Something wet then smeared first around my ass and then pushed inside by his fingers.  i think i whimpered at him then to not hurt me but i had no response from him other than gentle but firm pressure on my virgin ass as he slowly but inexorably pushed his cock inside me.  It was difficult to begin with and he retreated and added more lubricant before returning, first opening me a little more with a finger, then two and getting me more ready to accept him so that when his cock returned to my ass for the second time, i felt it make a little headway and then a stab of pain followed by a feeling of ecstasy as his cock slid deep inside me.  That stab of pain was intense and i feared he had split me but it was forgotten quickly as his cock penetrated my ass much further than any dildo i had practiced with before.  i found myself moving with him, following his rhythm, wriggling my ass trying to impale myself even further onto him.  His hands were cupping my breasts and pinching my nipples and i ached again for release but it was he who came first, his body shaking and convulsing within me.

He pulled out of me, somehow managing to leave his cum filled condom inside me.  As i knelt there i could feel his cum trickling out of it and onto my leg and then into my panties which he pulled up for me.  Then, he was back in front of me and i was tasting him again as i cleaned off his cock with my tongue.  It was becoming flaccid now and was easier for me to manage and so i soon had it cleaned to his satisfaction.

He helped me to stand and then led me back to my kitchen table where he bent me over as i had been when he arrived.  He placed a small key in my hand and told me it would release me from the cuffs once he had gone but i was not to attempt release until i heard my door close behind him.

He left me then, still dressed as a whore and now feeling like one in cum soaked panties, his jizm still seeping out of my ass.  i had not even seen his face!  i removed the cuffs and the blindfold only to find myself still in the dark.  He had switched out the lights.  When i put them back on, there on the kitchen table was a small envelope which i opened and found inside a $5 note and a message which said “Thank you slut, until next time!”  And so i was just what i felt, a $5 whore.

Monday December 7th 2009 – The Experience Project and “My Secret Life”

Back to work today.  So much to do that i did not linger in bed this morning but was up, dressed and at my desk by 7.00am.  Not before i had slipped into pink lace bra and panties though.  True, i had to wear male clothes on top but i still felt good wearing my favourite colour underneath.  The office was quiet for most of the day and i was able to wear open toed maroon, stacked stiletto heels almost all day while at my desk and at times whenever i moved around the room and from 6.00pm, i was able to slip out of the drab male garb and into a flouncy cream coloured dress with a pink and cerise coloured flower print pattern.  Much more like it and once the wig was in place, i felt quite at home.  Pity about the beard having to be grown back for i felt very much like stepping out and going round the corner to the nearest Starbucks for a coffee.  It is only about 5 blocks away and could be quite an adventure.  It is quite the place for people to hang out and who knows what might happen if ever i ventured there “en femme” – not that i have yet had either the opportunity or the nerve to go there “en femme” and alone.

So, i stayed at my desk and am happy to say managed to get the most pressing job out of the way and one or two other incidental jobs that arose during the day.  Nothing else to report though.  No sign of Mistress Ana on line and no response to phoning Goddess Joyce.  i am still feeling excruciatingly horny but gave my nipples a wide berth today, not only in deference to the wishes of Mistress Ana but also because of the growing frustration toying with them brings.  So, an element of self control is returning but for how long it will last, i can’t say.  My state of arousal and frustration is like nothing i have experienced before.

i have come across and signed on to “Experience Project” – a site where people can join and give details about their experiences across a wide range of subjects and situations without fear of exposure and so meet and get to know others who have had similar or would like to have similar experiences.  Naturally, most of my entries have been on my cross dressing and submissive experiences but i have made some new friends there and am finding that opening up about past experiences and activities is quite liberating in a way.  Not that i had any feelings of guilt that i was aware of but it seems that in sharing these experiences i am ridding myself of a burden.  Also, i find others on the project who express similar emotions and who have similar experiences in coping with their sexuality as i have and am experiencing and so by sharing these aspects of our secret lives with others it is like no longer having to hide behind a facade so at to just appease or fit into society’s norms. One of my entries has been a description of “My Secret Life” which details my being a cross dresser or sissy.  I repeat it here:-

My Secret Life

From the moment i first pulled on a skirt at the age of 10 or 11 i have known that i should have been born female.  Although this first time was at the behest of an elder female cousin with whom i was infatuated, in hindsight, it was only a matter of time before i became the cross dresser i am.  i had up until then always felt more comfortable in the company of girls without dressing as one and my infatuation with my female cousin was probably envy and a desire to be like her rather than any male-female attraction.

Since that first time, i have continued to cross-dress whenever i can.  There have been times when i have tried to give up cross dressing, due largely to society’s non acceptance of such behaviour, especially at the time i grew up in rural England.  However, inevitably i returned to cross dressing, replacing clothes i had thrown out with new ones.  But it all had to be done secretly and i found myself having to behave more macho with guys at school and college in order to better hide my secret.

There have been times when i was sure it was a sickness and i now know that it is a medical condition called Gender Dysphoria.  i thought that it was something that i would either eventually grow out of or be cured of.  i thought that when i married i would no longer need to cross dress for the sexual satisfaction that it gave me but that was when i discovered that cross dressing for me was much  more than a turn on and a prelude to masturbation, it was indeed a way of life.  Being sexually active with my wife did nothing to dampen my desire to express my femininity and become female even if only temporarily by donning women’s clothes. Though my wife discovered my secret, she refuses to have anything to do with or to encourage me in any way and has tried many times to force me to stop cross-dressing but had become resigned to the fact that this is an itch that i have to scratch and so turns a blind eye.

So, now, because i travel a lot, i am able to take female clothes with me and cross-dress and be the woman that i am inside in public.  i go out dressed “en femme” and love it.  i have a number of lady friends who know of my cross-dressing and who encourage it and take me out with them as if i were a girlfriend and we go shopping or have a manicure/pedicure together and so on.  These are times when i genuinely feel comfortable and at ease with myself.

i work hard at being as feminine as i can be by keeping my body hair to a minimum, using moisturisers and facial creams and i dress every day in bra and panties beneath my male outer clothes.  i can often get away with wearing stiletto heels while at my desk at work.  Having to remain secretive about my lifestyle is not satisfactory and i dream of being able to be my feminine self all of the time.   However, i made a choice to marry 35 years ago and i have 3 wonderful children and a grandson and in deference to their wishes, my life as a cross dresser shall remain a secret at least for the foreseeable future.

Wednesday December 2nd 2009 – There is none so free as the slave!

i finally managed to get hold of Goddess Joyce this morning and learned that She had had a caesarian section yesterday and so Vincent had arrived and weighed in at a hearty and healthy 4.16 kilos (about 9 and a half pounds) and 52cm in length.  All went well and both mother and baby are doing fine.  i have been invited to go to the clinic and visit but will need to go and buy a small gift first.

i also had a good chat today with Mistress Ana.  Strange that we had both been thinking/fantasising about me being in service to Her 24/7.  i have to confess that were my wife to pass away before me then i would most definitely seek such a position of permanent and continual slavery and were it not for my marriage, i would be doing so right now.  Mistress was of a similar sentiment with regard to Her own marriage.

Why would anyone want to enter into permanent full time slavery? It seems a crazy notion and that the proponent would have to be insane but i can assure any reader that i am far from insane and yet crave such a status.  It is a great paradox but slavery actually brings with it an enormous freedom, a freedom from responsibility in many ways for the slave has only ever to carry out his Master’s/Mistresses wishes and is never faced with having to make decisions or be responsible for others.  Having been a business leader for most of my life and a family head also, i am used to having responsibility for others and am generally considered to be a good leader and manager but that position carries with it a burden of responsibility whereas slavery carries no burden other than the burden of service which is a giving of one’s self.  i am by nature a giving person and so for me, to give myself to someone whom i love and adore is a natural desire and hence permanent full time slavery is a natural progression.  When considering the burden of responsibility, “there is none so free as the slave nor so bound as the Master” for as much as the slave does for his owner, the owner has duty of care and is responsible for the slave.

So, thoughts of being with Mistress Ana 24/7 are constantly on my mind and are a constant source of physical and emotional arousal for me.  i dream of sleeping chained to the foot of Her bed or of having a small cell where i am kept when not in use.  i dream of being permanently “en femme” and of not only doing Mistress housework but going out and doing Her shopping, Her cooking, running errands and carrying out all manner of different tasks and duties for Her.  What would be my reward?  Certainly a regular beating whether i have done anything seriously wrong or not but a beating to confirm and reassert status, but also love and nurturing, the delight of oral service and of being held, caressed and cherished by Her, and above all, the joy and satisfaction of giving pleasure to another and of making someone else’s life better.

Finally, i chose pink today, matching lace bra and panties.  It really is my favourite colour.  Also, i noticed that “Peeptoe Shoes” are having a sale.  Oh, how i adore some of those shoes, especially these gorgeous 4″ stiletto heeled strappy red sandals and just so wish i could both afford to buy them and also that i could manage to buy them in such a way that my wife would not find out!  Talking of sales, i have joined a website called “ideeli” which is an incredible site for bargains of all kinds.  Genuine designer clothes and goods at incredible discounts but such a pity that to take advantage of the offers you have to live in the USA.  If it were a global organisation it would be fantastic.

Tuesday December 1st 2009 – feeling like my old “femme” self once again!

December already!  Can’t think where the year has gone!

The good news is that i seem to be back to my old self again.  i slept so well last night, a full 9 hours and a bit more which is rare for me, and i woke feeling good and have felt great all day.  i slipped out of my satin snake-skin patterned PJ’s and into a lilac lace bra and matching panties before pulling on a green polo shirt and a pair of khaki shorts to wear around the office all day.  i had no meetings planned for today so it was good to be able to work at my desk with the low sling back stiletto heels Mistress Ana brought me from Thailand.  i did venture out a couple of times during the day though, once to drop off a pile of very dirty field clothes at the local laundry and the other to go to the jewelers to ask them to start Mistress’ pendant.  However, i was disappointed to find that the maker is in hospital and so they cannot do it for the time being.  So, i went to another jeweler nearby and they may be able to do it but i need to go back tomorrow with the design and talk directly to the man himself.  So, we start all over from the beginning.

i managed to chat very briefly to Goddess Joyce today.  She was in the clinic about to have Vincent either induced or delivered by caesarian.  At the time of my call she was unsure what they were going to do but certain that Vincent would make an appearance sooner now than later whichever method they chose.  We spoke around midday and it is now almost 11.00pm and no news so i am hoping all is well.  i will find out tomorrow.

i tried unsuccessfully to chat with Mistress Ana this morning.  She appeared to be online but i had no response so She was probably not at Her desk.  By the time i had been to the laundry and back She was offline so i missed Her.  She will be pleased to know that i am feeling well again.  Mistress had suggested that i go out and buy myself something feminine as a treat to give my spirits a lift and although i was feeling much better today and less in need of the lift, i did buy a couple of pairs of patterned nylon leggings,one in pink and the other in grape colours.  They were on offer in a shop i passed on the way back from the laundry and i couldn’t resist.  Since early evening, once all the office staff had gone home, with my business associate also out, i have been wearing the pink ones with a short pleated brown mini-skirt and a pink polo top, wig and the pink/cerise stiletto heeled sandals i bought earlier on the trip.  Oh how good it feels to be fully “en femme” and feeling my true self once again!

i spoke to my wife on the phone first thing this morning and all is well at home with Christmas for the family all now sorted.  i am trying to get an earlier flight home.  At the moment, i don’t get home until December 22nd but finish work in the UK on December 17th and could only get wait listed flights before the 22nd.  However, there is a chance that if i pay for an upgrade, i can get the flight on the 17th and be home on the 19th which will be much better both from a Christmas preparation point of view for the family and also for cleaning Mistress Ana’s house before the festivities.

Wednesday November 25th 2009 – My birthday – In the pink!

Yes, my birthday!  Not that at my age it is anything particularly special but special enough for me to linger a little longer in bed this morning, teasing my nipples through the satin of my PJ’s and fantasising of what might have been had i been born in a woman’s body.  All quite arousing both phyisically and emotionally but not good for a gurl in chastity!  So, i did not linger too long but got up and shaved, showered and moisturised.  i treated myself to my twice weekly depilation, exfoliation and moisturisation and when i had done, added an extra splash of perfume before slipping into a lovely matching pink lace and mesh bra and thong set which i really love.  It had to be pink today of all days!  What a pity i had to be at work and so had to put on ugly male clothes over the top!  i wore the pink, grey and brown shoes that Mistress Ana brought me from Thailand which was appropriate because as soon as i got to my desk this morning She was online and we were able to chat briefly.  She was very tired and had had to delay Her departure for Thailand because the equipment She was taking proved too big for checked in baggage and had to be sent by courier.  As a result She was only wait-listed on the next flight so i am hoping all went well and that She has arrived safely.

We did discuss Mistress’ ideas for a forthcoming lunch She will throw for D/s friends and associates and She will want myself and Her other slave, Paul to be there to serve in all meanings of the word and She did intimate that it would be a cock and pussy feast!  i know that will mean giving oral service to Mistress and/or Her guests and it is something i have long fantasised about.  i have said before on these pages that being a slave in a situation that is entirely private is fine but there is something special when one’s servitude and devotion to an Owner is demonstrated publicly in this way.  Many would consider it to be humiliating and degrading but in essence it is quite the opposite for it shows strength of character and devotion to another that speaks volumes more than the average expression of devotion in a vanilla relationship.  When the time comes, i shall serve to the best of my ability in whatever manner Mistress requires for i consider myself to be an extension of Her body and will, an instrument for Her pleasure and am proud to be chosen for whatever purpose She considers me suitable.

Mistress and i also have been discussing a new local Chapter of an ClubFEM, an international organisation for Dominant Females and submissive males.  The FEM stands for “Females Enslaving Males.”  They plan to have social gatherings, both vanilla and fetish, and this will be another forum where i shall hope to be able to make public my servitude and position as slave belonging to Mistress Ana.  The Club has a silver pendant and Mistress has asked me to see if i can get a gold version made for Her while i am away,   a task that i shall carry out with pleasure.

TheClubFEM silver pendant

The rest of my day was like any other day at work and with so much going on at the moment as i try to generate business, quite hectic.  i worked into the evening even though it was my birthday.  i had planned on dressing fully “en femme” and venturing to a bar for a drink but it became impossible when my associate decided that he was not going anywhere this evening.  i could have gone out in male mode but saw nothing special in that so decided to just work on and listen to music while i did so, holed up in my room with the door locked where at least i could slip into a dress and wig, be my feminine self and catch up on some useful document preparations.

Monday November 23rd 2009 – Crime and punishment

No silly dreams last night, i slept soundly and woke up refreshed ready for the start of another week on the road.  i chose my olive-grey lace bra this morning, it is one of my favourites for it pushes my breasts out nicely and is very comfortable.  With them i put on almost transparent grey mesh panties from La Senza , one of my favourite underwear stores that i visit whenever i am in Toronto.  Sadly, the weekend being over, it was male outer clothes all day although, of course i wore stiletto heels, a lovely maroon pair with an open toe and a small platform, while at my desk, which was most of the day.

i had received a mountain of messages overnight and most needed to be dealt with quite urgently and then there was the work i had scheduled for today that couln’t be put off.  So, it was a long day but it was at least pleasantly interspersed with conversations online and over the phone with Mistress Ana and Goddess Joyce respectively.  It was, as ever, lovely to chat with Mistress Ana, even though in the course of the conversation i managed to earn two causes for punishment on my return.  The first for not admitting quickly enough that She was always at least one step ahead of my thoughts and the second for still not having painted the humbler bright red.  i explained that i have the paint but that i have to be very careful and discrete in when and where i do the painting, all of which is true but my delay on this is not acceptable and so i shall be punished,

To an outsider, the beating i shall get for these two misdemeanours might seem harsh but i accept them quite gladly.  People might think that anyone who allows another to paddle his rear or whip him must have something missing upstairs but that is not the case.  The exercise is one in which Mistress reasserts Her authority and control and is necessary so as to maintain the Owner/slave relationship and keeps me, the slave, very much in my place.  Believe it or not, but i actually need this form of discipline and although it hurts and i never actually relish the painful aspects of it, it is a bonding experience and one after which i feel so emotionally close to my Owner that the elation is hard to describe.  Elation?  Yes, for i am filled with respect for Mistress Ana plus love and joy that i belong to such a strong willed woman who could have number of slaves but has included me among them and has given me in return, Her love and Her nurturing.  D/s is not all about punishment, there is the nurturing aspect also and Mistress has been more than generous in Her gifts to me both physical, like the shoes, handbag and clothing for example, as well as in shaping my behaviour, my femininity and my emotional well being.

So, though i now have punishment lined up, i knew that i would have some punishment and need some discipline when i am next with Mistress anyway.  My chat on the phone with Goddess Joyce was equally enjoyable even though i failed to find the wine that She specifically requested.  The truth is that it does not exist.  i tried the best wine  merchants in Lima and even went to the winemaker’s website and discovered that it does not exist, not these days anyway.  i suspect it to be a wine that She enjoyed several years ago and that it has been superceded.  In any event, there will be some additional punishment for me there no doubt, especially because i could not find the raspberry leaf tea either!  But punishment shows that She cares and that i too care enough to do my best for Her when running errands.

Such failures are not crimes as such for they cannot be helped but they would be if i were to be deliberately lax in my efforts.  In that case, the punishment is a way of making me shape up or ship out.  If i did not want to serve then i would not serve well and so would resent the punishment and would walk away from the relationship.  The essence of the discipline is that by accepting it i am confirming that i truly do wish to continue in the relationship and that i need to do more to please my Owner.  Everything has its price, and the punishment and pain that goes with discipline is the payment for the joy of belonging to and having a close personal relationship in service of beautiful, strong willed women like Mistress Ana, Goddess Joyce and Lady Dynah, each of whom i adore and am very proud to know and serve.

Sunday November 22nd 2009 – not such sweet dreams!

i slept wonderfully in the sexy new snakeskin patterned satin baby doll PJ’s but still had a recurring dream that is becoming more and more frequent these days – or should i say nights!  The dream, or perhaps nightmare sees me being discovered “en femme” by my wife and all sorts of other people.  The circumstances vary but i always finish up being embarrassingly discovered to be the sissy that i am.  Because it is happening more and more frequently and is something that has only started to happen recently i am wondering if it is some sort of premonition.  i have had dreams before that have come true and so this is all a bit unnerving.  Not that it has stopped me dressing “en femme” whenever i can but it has certainly got me wondering.

In some ways, discovery or “outing” would be a great relief for i have often wished that i could “come out” and just live my life as i wished without having to respect societies norms for the sake of family but always these thoughts lead to “at what or at who’s expense?  i simply could not bear to be alienated from my family and fear that by “coming out” i would do exactly that.

So, after sleeping soundly, i awoke somewhat troubled.  i pulled on a tracksuit over my PJ’s and went and made some tea and kept them on all morning while i waited for my business partner and flat mate to head out for lunch, wishing all the time he would get a move on so i could dress properly.  i spent the morning working but did catch Goddess Joyce on line.  Still no move from baby Vincent but Goddess is fine and did give me some errands to run for Her so i did finally pull on some male outer clothes over my PJ’s and slip out to the shops for Her.

When i returned, i still did not have the office/apartment to myself and there was a strong smell of something having been burned.  My associate, not known for his culinary skills, had decided to cook himself lunch and managed to boil a pan of vegetables dry and burn them, ruining the pan in the process and pervading the whole building with the smell of burnt offerings!  At least this meant that he would go out for lunch, finally, leaving me to slip into fully “en femme” and prepare my own lunch.  i stayed in my PJ’s but slipped into a pair of white flat heeled open toed shoes while i was cooking, pulled an apron over my PJ’s, slipped on my wig, a little make up and some jewelery and i was set.  Gin and tonic while i cooked and a glass of red wine washed down a lovely roast boned leg of lamb with roast potatoes, creamed mushrooms, beans and carrots, all with a delicious gravy made from the juices of the lamb.  i cooked enough for another meal tomorrow and then there will still be enough meat left for a sort of hot pot or hash after that.

After clearing things away and washing dishes, i relaxed with a coffee and watched some tennis on TV before returning to my room to carry on with some administration work which took me well into the evening.  i put on my new shoes again to keep working them in.  i just adore stiletto heels and ankle straps and these are nothing if they are not strappy.  What i like about the ankle straps is that they tighten as my leg angles forward, restricting how far back i can let my legs go as i walk forward.  As a result, i am forced to make my steps quite short and mince along very daintily.

Later this evening, Goddess Joyce came back online and we chatted some more.  i was unable to get the particular wine She requires from the local stores so need to go to a specialist wine store tomorrow.  i also need to find some raspberry leaf tea for Her, it is apparently good to drink when in labour!  i have a couple of ideas where i might find some but it is not an everyday item!

So, at that, it’s bedtime and i shall be wearing my new PJ’s again.  i wonder whether tonight i will have the same dream…………………………….

Saturday November 21st 2009 – Sweet dreams, “femme” reality and D/s lifestlye debate

And sweet dreams they were!  So sweet in fact that i woke early and extremely horny.  i lay on my back in bed and felt an intense longing both physical and emotional.  It was like withdrawal symptoms i guess.  my body was crying out to be used, my nipples were hard and proudly jutting through my pink satin PJ’s and i could not resist playing with them even though i know that Mistress Ana would not approve and that i shall be punished for having done so.  Of course, this made my physical arousal all the more intense but try as i might, playing with my nipples myself does not bring me to an orgasm.  It is not the same as when Mistress Ana does it obviously and the more i think of Her the more i miss Her and the more my nipples and indeed my whole body aches.  And so, i did not linger long.  Knowing that touching my nipples would only add to my fruitless arousal, i climbed out of bed and took myself off to the bathroom, but not for a cold shower!

No, this morning was hair removal morning.  i went over my whole body with the No-No, or at least those parts that i can reach.  i did my face again for i am determined now to try and gradually kill off my facial hair.  i am under no illusion that this will take a long time but all the better then to start now.  After the No-No, i shaved my face and then decided to run the razor over the rest of my body too for the No-No does not get all of the hairs.  The result was a very smoothly shaven roxie indeed!  Next, i showered and exfoliated vigorously.  Oh what heaven it was in the hot stinging shower with my freshly shaved body all pink and tingling by the time i had finished.  After toweling myself dry, i began applying body lotion all over.  The door to my room was closed but it did not stop my business partner from just walking in unannounced.  i don’t know who was the more surprised or embarrassed, him from seeing me naked or me from not being sure whether or not he saw the CB-2000 before i grabbed a towel or whether he noticed i was hairless or perhaps even noticed the bra and panties that were still draped over the chair from yesterday!  i pulled a towel quickly around my waist as my partner announced he would be gone for the day.  i was delighted to hear this and tried my level best to show no embarrassment or discomfort as i wished him a great day with his lady friend.

After he left, i finished applying moisturiser to my face and hands and then dressed entirely “en femme.”  i applied make up, put on my wig and dressed in the same purple bra as yesterday and clean purple lace panties.  i chose a summery dress to wear and then put on a little jewelery, a lovely lapis lazuli and silver necklace and my ladies watch which i discovered in my jewelery bag after all.  i chose a pair of 4″ stiletto heels in a maroon colour that matched the dress and for which i had a matching handbag and then, putting money in the handbag, decided to go out shopping.  First i went to the supermarket to get a few items i needed for lunch today and tomorrow.  Just fresh vegetables really but it felt terrific to be outside in the fresh air, my newly depilated legs cooled by the breeze.  i attracted no attention as i shopped, at least none that i noticed, and the girl at the checkout certainly gave me no second glance.

i walked by to the office/apartment and left the groceries and then went out again.  This time i caught a cab which took me down to Miraflores.  i wanted to just wander around the shops, not looking for anything in particular other than a bargain perhaps.  And i found two!  First, i found a pair of gorgeous sandals in  beautiful dark pink or cerise colour.  It is rare to find shoes my size here in Peru because most Peruvians are small.  But, there they were!  My size, the last pair and on sale for just 50 Peruvian Soles (about $18).  i simply couldn’t resist.  i know i am supposed to seek Mistresss Ana’s permission before i buy such things but they might have gone by the time i returned with permission and so i tried them, found they fit and bought them.  You can see them below as well as how well the match the dress i wore today.

The real look of today showing the new shoes

Gorgeous colour plus 4″ heels, ankle strap and no platform

Gorgeous colour plus 4″ heels, ankle strap and no platform

Gorgeous colour plus 4″ heels, ankle strap and no platform

red with black polka dot satin baby doll pyjamas

snake skin pattern satin baby doll pyjamas

But then there was a second bargain!  i wandered into the lingerie department of Falabella (a big department store) and found that they had two-piece satin baby-doll pyjama sets selling for just 30 soles ($10) so i bought two sets, one in red with black dots and the other a sort of snake-skin pattern with white lace trim as you can see.

Satisfied at this, i returned to the office/apartment, eager to try on the pyjamas and shoes.  All fit beautifully and i am so in love with the shoes, i still have them on now as i write, close to the end of the day.  Yes, it is late now, and my business partner has not yet returned but will do soon so i had best either look as if i am already in bed and asleep or change back into male mode.  i think i will go for the former and wear one of my new pyjama sets.  Oh what a wonderful all feminine day i have had.

Oh, one last thing, this evening Lady Dynah was online and we chatted for about an hour.  It was good to have a long chat with Her again, especially on video cam.  She has cut Her hair shorter which suits Her and makes Her look younger in my opinion.  We chatted about my business plans and opportunities perhaps for some of Her friends to invest and then moved on to some of the doubts that She has about the D/s lifestyle and reconciling it with Her strong Christian beliefs.  This is not a new discussion between us and i maintain that as long as both Domme and sub are consenting then each is doing the other a service and so it cannot be a sin.  But is it fornication?  While fornication is considered a sin, then any sexual activity, even within marriage, that is not aimed at procreation would also be a sin and we accept contraception so why should a strong D/s relationship be any different?  Both the Domme and the sub have a need and each satisfies that need in the other so it is a sort of symbiosis, a mutual benefit that does no one any harm and does the individuals a lot of good in satisfying innate physical and emotional needs.  As ever, we parted with Lady Dynah in agreement but then it is Sunday tomorrow and that might just see those doubts return.

No contact today with Goddess Joyce.  i had expected to get a phone call with instructions to go to the farmers market for Her but nothing.  i tried phoning Her but got no response so maybe baby Vincent is arriving or has arrived.  i will call again tomorrow.