Tuesday December 22nd to Saturday December 26th 2009 – A Happy Christmas

Hectic is the only way to describe my day.  So much to do and so little time and with my wife now at home for school holidays, no chance this morning to do my regular depilation, exfoliation, moisturisation and general pampering of myself.  Time enough only to pull on a pair of pink lace panties and a matching bra beneath my male outer clothes.  With meetings in the city in the afternoon and much to work on in the office in the morning my day was full and then we had the office Christmas party in the evening.

On Wednesday though, i was up and out of bed before 5.00am and busy in the office finishing a little work but also putting my things together to go to Mistress Ana’s house and do Her cleaning.  i needed to get everything together in advance of others arriving to work and did so comfortably.  i also set up a number of jobs for my staff to get on with while i was out of the office, which was all day.  i left the office at 8.45am having delegated jobs and responsibilities and arrived at Mistress Ana’s just before 9.30am.  i had taken my dirty lingerie and a dress that also needed washing and put those into the washing machine the moment i arrived.  As i passed the downstairs bedroom, being used at the moment by Mistress Ana’s son and daughter in law, i noticed that the bed had been made but had since been lounged upon and so was untidy.  i could not resist going in and straightening it.

In the laundry, i noticed shoes that must belong to Mistress’ daughter in law.  i stopped briefly to admire two pairs of heels, thinking what good taste their owner had and wishing they had been my size for i admit that i liked them so much i doubt i could have resisted trying them on had they been anywhere near big enough!  i was surprised though, once in the laundry, to discover a small dog outside, whining at the door and wanting to get in and it yapped for a while once i had left and gone upstairs and changed into white lace bra and matching thong, white thigh high stockings, black patent leather stiletto heels, black mini skirt and black blouse, white apron and my long red wig.  For good measure, i added some lipstick and then set about my chores.

All of the curtains were drawn so i opened them up so as to get a good look at what might need doing and decided first that i would dust and wipe down all of the surfaces.  i worked systematically from Mistress’ en-suite bathroom, Her bedroom, then office and additional toilet before doing the kitchen and lounge followed by the staircase.  While doing so, i noticed that the bedroom and office windows really needed to be cleaned so i did them both inside and out.  While i was on the balcony outside the bedroom and office, i became conscious of a man from over the road being out in the front of his house doing some work in the garden.  i wondered what he was thinking for he must have noticed a mini-skirted maid busy on the balcony and i also wondered if he had noticed that i was bearded! These thoughts did not phase me though and i just worked on as quickly and as efficiently as i could.

Part way through cleaning the windows, i realised that my laundry would have finished washing so went back downstairs to hang it out to dry.  i kept the dog from gaining entry but did pat it and make friends with it before taking in washing on the line that had dried and hanging out my own.  Once i had done the windows and dusted and wiped all the surfaces i vaccuumed the carpets and swept the floors.  i wanted also to clean the tiled floors but was running out of time, having a business meeting scheduled for 1.30pm, so i quickly mopped over the worst areas so at least the floors looked reasonable – not as good as i would have wanted them to look but at least better than they were.

i so wished that i had had more time to have been able to clean the house more thoroughly and all the time i was cleaning there, knowing that Mistress’ daughter in law was living there, i was very conscious of the fact that in a way, i was essentially setting a standard by which someone else, other than Mistress, was going to judge my work.  Just as when Mistress’ youngest son was living there, i knew that he would see the results of my efforts, so too would Mistress’ daughter in law and i felt that she, being a woman, would be a far more severe judge of my efforts and i so wanted my work to be good enough to satisfy her for in a way, my performance reflected the control, influence and training i have received from Mistress Ana and for me to underperform would in a way reflect upon Her and any adverse criticism was the last thing i wanted.  Only time will tell whether i succeeded in my efforts to please all concerned.

Another strange feeling i had while working away at Mistress’ house was whether or not i might encounter either Her son or daughter in law in person.  i have said before that discovery, while humiliating, is something that i almost wish for because in my heart of hearts, i want people to know that i am a slave and belong to Mistress for in my opinion it could only add to Mistress’ already high esteem no matter what effect or how humiliating it might be for me and, as Her slave, the better i am in my work so too the greater the esteem reflects upon my Owner.  i do know of course that the true depth of my relationship with Mistress Ana has not been revealed to Her family and so would never do anything to change that but there is a certain part of me that truly wishes that it become general knowledge that i am owned by, belong to, am the slave of and gladly serve Mistress Ana, and that this is as much a function of my need to be known to be submissive as it is to raise the status of and aura that surrounds my Owner, Mistress Ana.

Christmas Eve was of course like a mad house.  i tried hard to complete outstanding work and send out new quotations and proposals for more work but didn’t quite get everything finished.  my children and grandchildren began arriving mid day but i had also to spend most of the morning running errands for my Wife – shopping for last minute things for dinner, lunch etc. as well as a couple of extra stocking fillers for my Wife.  The afternoon and evening was spent with family and we all enjoyed a lovely Christmas Eve dinner of roast turkey with all of the trimmings.

Christmas Day began with early Mass at the local church followed by our traditional full breakfast outside by the swimming pool, cooked by myself on the barbeque and washed down with champagne.  We then spent a delightful morning exchanging gifts with most eyes of course on my grandson of 15 months.  By early afternoon all guests had gone and my Wife and i were left to our own devices – time to check out my own gifts and quietly relax and recover from the hectic last few days.  On the excuse of needing to download pictures from my camera, i was able to get over to my office late in the afternoon where i opened the gifts given to me by Mistress Ana.  She gave me a lovely “baby love” pamper pack and some chocolates making me feel very feminine and much loved.  i do have a gift for Mistress of course but She will not be able to receive it until we meet up again.

Boxing Day is a big sports day in Australia and also a major shopping day in the sales.  The female in me would have loved to go shopping but not in the mad crazy rush of the sales so it was a quiet day watching sport on TV and entertaining occasional visitors.  Both yesterday and today i wore the same pink lace bra beneath my male clothes with pink lace panties to match.  No real opportunities to go online but i did find out why “My Virtual Model” is not working – they are re-vamping the site and it will be back on line on January 4th.  By then i will be in England and staying with my mother in law.  Not much chance to be femme in that environment and it will be difficult enough to wear even panties beneath my male clothes to say nothing of keeping the CB-2000 chastity device secret.  However, i am almost at the point where i would like it to be discovered by my wife.  It would take some explaining but i have an idea of the approach i will take as and when it happens and somehow i want Her to know that deep inside i need such control on my sexual function and also need to express my feminine side.  She need not know about Mistress Ana but it would open up an opportunity for Her to take advantage of the situation and take control, something i have longed for all of our married life.  However, i seriously doubt that She would change Her approach to me and my ways but it would take away the need for me to be so secretive about wearing female lingerie and of course the chastity device if She would only accept that it is something i need to do.

Friday December 11th – Monday December 21st 2009 – travellers tales

A very hectic period of travel and business which is why i have not been keeping up to date with my blog.

On my last day in Lima, i visited Goddess Joyce and Her baby.  It was also Senora Sylvia’s birthday and so i was fortunate enough to catch up with Her too and give Her a small gift – a silver photo frame in which She can put a photo of Her new grandson.  For Vincent, the grandson, i bought a silver spoon.  Goddess was very pleased with me.  She looked gorgeous as ever and i so wished i could have stayed longer but, i had a flight to catch and had to leave within an hour of arriving.  Earlier, i had had a number of business meetings in and around the city so my arrival was late as it was.

That night, i flew from Peru to London, via Madrid, arriving in London early Saturday evening.  i spent that night and the Sunday night with vanilla friends who live close to Heathrow in a small cottage.  No chance to dress “en femme” apart from the usual underwear and i chose matching pink lace bra and panties.  On the Monday, i travelled into London itself to stay in a hotel close to the conference venue in the West End.  My hotel was just off Oxford St. close to Marble Arch and about 20 minutes walk to the conference that was held in Piccadilly.  i chose to walk to and from the meeting every day which took me past some fantastic shops with some wonderful things on show, many on sale so i delighted in window shopping the first couple of days but, on the Wednesday, just had to buy a matching bra and pantie set that i saw in La Senza on Oxford St. They are white with pink polka dots and pink lace trim.  They are truly sissy!  On the same day, over the road, i found s hop with some wicked skirts and dresses going quite cheap and couldn’t resist a black dress with fine white polka dots, a tight fitting bodice, halter neck and a flared 50’s style skirt.  i couldn’t wait to get back to my hotel and try them on but had to go to a conference dinner and so it was after midnight before i was able to discover just how good a fit they all were.

The following morning, i had to check out of the hotel, leave my bags there while at the conference and return to collect them later on my way to the airport.  A severe weather warning was issued around lunchtime and so i left the meeting mid-afternoon so as to avoid the worst of the rush hour and impending bad weather en route to the airport.  i was lucky.  i got to the airport in good time, checked in and was in the club lounge drinking a gin and tonic when the blizzard broke.  It meant my flight was delayed by 4 hours but i got away – many didn’t.

i travelled home in the new bra and panties beneath my male outer clothes, feeling happily feminine.  Due to our late departure from Heathrow, just about everyone missed their connecting flight in Singapore, including me so i was accommodated in a lovely hotel at the airline’s expense for the night.  i was also lucky there, getting the only seat on the first available flight first thing the next morning and managed to get home late on Saturday afternoon.

The weekend was, of course, spent catching up with family and jobs around the house that had been left for my return and so no real opportunity to go online or dress properly “en femme” but gratefully all is well at home and we now start the frantic run down to Christmas at work where i need to finish 3 jobs before Wednesday night as well as do my Christmas shopping, go to Mistress Ana’s house and do the cleaning and chase up the bondage equipment and toys that Mistress Ana wishes to buy.

i did catch up with Mistress Ana today online and we chatted for a while.  i really do miss Her so much but felt really good when She complimented me on my avitar here on this blog and on Messenger.  She told me She had shown it to 2 other women at work who couldn’t believe that i was male and all complimented me on my breasts.  It really gave this gurl a boost to her self esteem!  We also chatted more about the “pussy collar” and how we are both fantasising about the device.  i imagine myself locked in place between Her thighs, kneeling on a small wheeled trolley with hands bound behind my back so that i would be taken with Her wherever She went, all covered though by Her billowing kaftan – i would be in 7th heaven and doing my lingual utmost to take Her to the same place.  We finally agreed that i would go and do Her cleaning on Wednesday so that is something to look forward to, an opportunity to serve a wonderful Mistress while enjoying myself dressed fully “en femme!”

Sadly, in all the time covered by this entry, MyVirtual Model has been offline – i miss creating my looks a lot and cannot imagine what has happened to it.

Thursday December 10th 2009 – Mistress Ana has plans for me!

A frustrating start to the day!  i dressed quickly in sliver grey satin bra and matching thong, both with cute little bows, then put on my male outer clothes and sat down to go to “My Virtual Model” to choose my “Look” for the day.  Unfortunately, i was unable to access the site but got a message saying a server was down.  Frustrating!  Especially as i had no idea whether it was their server or some other server somewhere between me and them!

i was soon to find out though because Mistress Ana came on line and commented that She could not see “Today’s Look” on my blog either so with Her in Thailand and me in Peru, it would have to be the  “My Virtual Model” server that is down.

It was terrific chatting to Mistress Ana although She left me feeling incredibly horny and also somewhat overwhelmed by the designs and plans She had in mind.  We chatted for well over an hour in which time She told me She might arrange for me to be a $5 slut again!  That was exciting enough but then after discussing the pendant which i now have in its finished form, we went on to chat about some bondage gear that has come up for sale in our home town and which items Mistress would like.  The lady selling the gear now runs a facility for sissies in which they can go and get dressed and relax, go out shopping, get training and so on.  One of Mistress’ ideas is for me to go there and get some education!  Also something that interests and excites me.  However, we then moved on to discussing the various equipment She wants, the suspension apparatus may be too big but the rack Mistress believes She can handle.  She would also like a cage and we talked about where in Her house all of this might go and decided it would fit in a small store room on the side of Her garage that could soon become my cell!

Further toys of Mistress’ pleasure included sounds and electrical zings with remote controls that /she could apply to me in public situations like on an aeroplane!  This is where Mistress most definitely took off and took me with Her.  She had me travelling with Her “en femme” in a mini skirt, no panties but with butt plug and ball ring with weights attached just long enough to show beneath the skirt, the ring also attached to my nipples and me trying to walk so hampered but also with huge high heels!  Like so all the way from Australia to Germany where we go to the Octoberfest and i end up as a serving wench in a bar full of drunken men.  We then go to O.W.K. where i will be Her maid but also have to undergo all sorts of additional training and humiliations.

By now, i was feeling extremely uncomfortable, not from the scenarios Mistress was describing but from the turn on it was giving me!  My cock was as large as it has ever been since i put on the chastity device!  But it did not stop there!  i had sent Mistress an article about a “pussy collar” and so we then went on to discuss how She would have me locked in such a position between Her legs while She slept!  And with vibrating butt plug on variable random speed settings and a tens unit to keep me awake!

By now i was bursting with excitement and a cock that was pressing on the sides of the CB-2000, my mind racing at the enormity of Mistress’ plans and already starting to work on how to bring them to fruition.  i truly adore Her and all of Her schemes and am such a slut that i desperately want to be a part of them!

So, i have tasks to do.  One to continue liaising on the bondage gear Mistress wishes to buy, then to begin work on clearing the store room that will become my cell, also to find a cage, a St.Andrews Cross, a tens unit and a vibrating butt plug – both of these with a remote control, and finally to find a way for us to have the time together for Her to do all the things to me that she is dreaming of at the moment.  All enjoyable chores leading to my own torture and humiliation………………………

After that, one would think there was nothing left much to add about my day but i did get to dress fully “en femme” during the evening.  This felt good as always but in my horny state, was just further torture – sweet torture!

Wednesday December 9th 2009 – artistic? me? – perhaps i should go to night school?

Back to work today.  Up early, determined to get on with things as time is running out for me here in Lima.  i dressed quickly in maroon bra and panties, both satin with cute bows.  Was at my desk by 07.00am , where i slipped into maroon open toed stiletto heels, and got right down to work -  a lot of tedious legal stuff to work through!

Some nice surprises during the course of the day.  Managed to chat to Goddess Joyce online.  She is home and feeling better.  Baby Vincent is doing well, going for his first doctors check up today.  Goddess wants me to call over to see Her before i leave on Friday.  It will be Her mother’s (Senora Sylvia) birthday tea.  i will have to leave before 6.00pm to head off to the airport but i will go and say hello and deliver the silver spoon i have bought for Vincent and a silver photo frame for Senora Sylvia.

Another nice surprise was making a new friend on “My Virtual Model.” A lady who it seems has perhaps not worked out that i am a man and a sissy complimented me on one of my “looks of the day” and sent me a message saying how she liked it.  We exchanged a few messages online and became friends – i borrowed some suggestions for looks from her and will enjoy exchanging ideas on dress and fashion with her. She said she thought me to be creative, imaginative and artistic with my looks! Wow! No one has ever called me that before.

So, i was flattered and feeling more feminine than usual and the whole episode got me to thinking about what it would be like to go to “fashion school.”  There are a few of them here in Lima and i hgave to say the city has some wonderful clothing stores with individual designers.  However, i am really not artistic at all and could not draw to save my life.  But i couldn’t stop my mind wandering along this theme of perhaps being sent by Mistress to a school or night classes for example to learn things like make-up, or sewing, dressmaking or something so intrinsically female in nature that i would be the only male in a class of women.  How humiliating that would be!  i get aroused just thinking of it.  Yes, it would be more than just a little embarrassing but wouldn’t it be useful for a gurl who never had the benefit of such lessons while at school or from her mother as she grew up.

i am sure the first few lessons would be mortifying and that i would be a constant butt of jokes and ridicule but i would have to persevere if i were sent there by Mistress and not only would it make me even more humble but it would give me feminine skills that i would love to have and which would be so useful.

i sense that i could be digging a great hole for myself here for i have no doubt that this will also play on Mistress Ana’s mind until it actually happens but somehow i have a perverse desire for it to do so.  The practicalities of it may be difficult within my home city and with my work and travel commitments but…………………….one day!

Tuesday December 8th 2009 – memories of a $5 whore

A public holiday today in Peru.  Goodness knows why, it is not normally on their calender but apparently there was no military parade during their annual independence celebrations this year (July 28th) for some reason so they decided to hold it today and give everyone a holiday!  Not for me though.  i need to use every minute of my time here and although i could not meet any clients today it gave me chance to work through some data albeit in a more relaxed mode.

i slept in a bit later having stayed up later last night chatting with my business associate and flat mate on business issues.  It was almost 9.00am when i got out of bed.  i chose not to get out of my satin PJ’s straight away as all was quiet in the apartment so i began working on emails etc, while still wearing them.  In fact my associate did not stir until midday so i was able to lounge in my PJ’s until then when i slipped a T-shirt over the camisole top and a pair of shorts over the PJ shorts.  i was almost sure my flatmate would be going out and was waiting to be able to slip into full “femme” mode as soon as he left.  Alas, it was not to be!

i spent my day working on project data and dealing with emails and proposals, stopping occasionally to check if there was anyone online such as Mistress Ana, Goddess Joyce or Lady Dynah but not one of them appeared while ever i was online.  i tried calling Goddess Joyce again but still no answer so left a message.  i should go and visit Her but need details of the clinic, her room etc.  She might even be home again now for all i know.

i spent a little bit of leisure time adding to my experiences on Experience Project and made a few new friends who share similar interests and experiences.  Today, i shared my first experience dressed as a woman but serving a man.  This was some 22 years ago and it turned out to be only a one off because i got cold feet!  Not that the evening spent with him didn’t work out it was more that his longer term ideas for a relationship did not gel with mine once we chatted the following day.  As you can read below, he treated me like a prostitute which was not what i was looking for longer term.  i wanted to be treated as though i was female and to go out so dressed and socialise, go for dinner, the pictures and so on.  All he wanted was to visit me whenever he felt like, day or night for sex during which i would always be blindfolded and bound.  i think i could have coped with the sexual side of things if he had given me a little more such as having me cook for him, wash and iron his clothes or clean his apartment.  As much as i enjoyed my first experience as a whore, it was not what i wanted at the time and not what i would want now.  Thankfully, in serving Mistress Ana, i do get to do chores and run errands for Her as well as being used sexually as She may desire so i know that i am more than just a sex object.  Anyway, this first encounter of the prostitute kind went something like this…………

i entertained him at my apartment.  He had me unlock the door on receiving his phone call.  This meant he was outside.  i was then to blindfold myself and bend across the kitchen table with my hands placed behind my back.  i heard him enter the apartment and then felt his hands strongly take my wrists and cuff them together.  He then ran his hands up my nylon clad legs, over my suspenders and my panties, fondling my ass before moving up and cupping my breasts.  Oh, i cannot describe that feeling as he groped me, it was wonderful, exciting, arousing all at the same time and my cock immediately betrayed my feelings trying to break free from the black lace panties i was wearing.He had told me to dress like a slut and so i had.  In addition to black 4″ stiletto heels with an ankle strap and cute bow, i wore seamed black stockings, Victorian style corset with suspenders, black balconette bra, very short black mini skirt, flimsy see-through blouse, a long haired blond wig and heavy make up.  As i bent over the table, feeling his hands roam over my body, i began to ache not from discomfort but from a need to cum.  Just being touched by him was an amazing turn on for me.

Eventually, he stood me up and led me, still blindfold, through into my lounge where he pushed me down onto my knees.  i heard the zipper of his fly as i knelt there and i knew what was about to happen.  This would be my first time and i was prepared for it.  i wanted it. i had practiced sucking on dildos and tasted my own cum enough to have an idea of what to do and what to expect but i was not prepared for the size of his cock.  It was long alright but that was the least of my problems, it was also very thick, so thick i struggled to get it into my mouth.  i thought my jaw would dislocate, partly from the angle of my neck as i struggled to cope with his strong vertical erection from my position kneeling in front of it, trying desperately to get a little height so that i could get my mouth downwards over it.

i began licking the head of his cock and then along the shaft as i struggled for a position where i could take all of him but i need not have bothered for his hands soon locked onto either side of my head and began to manipulate me, moving my head and hence my mouth over his engorged member, working it down into my throat so that i could hardly breathe.  Gradually, i became more used to his size and to the frequency of his thrusting and my head being pushed against him so that i found a way of breathing between the thrusts which, after first becoming longer and deeper, began to increase in frequency until my whole head was forced against his abdomen, i could feel his balls against my chin and his cock so far down my throat i thought i would choke.  And he held me like that while his whole body convulsed and shook as he exploded inside my throat, pulling back a little then so that i could taste him as he shed his seed into my mouth.

Tears were running down my cheeks now, smudging my make-up.  They were tears of joy mixed with shame mixed with pain.  Joy at having been used as if i were a woman, shame at feeling like a slut and whore and pain from my aching neck and jaw as well as a sore throat.

As he subsided, he spoke gently but firmly to me, fondling me once again.  He held me to him and told me he was proud of me and how he was also going to rape my ass.  As i knelt by him in my blindfold darkness, a new fear possessed me.  His cock had seemed so big, how would my ass cope?

First though, he switched on my TV and loaded a pornographic video into the machine.  i could not see what he was watching but i could hear the unmistakable noises of sexual activity and i could feel his hand gently stroking his own member while he watched.  Not before long, he told me to get back to work on his cock and my head was guided down back over his newly erect member.  He did not manipulate my head this time but allowed me to quietly work my tongue over, around and along it, taking it fully into my mouth every so often until, after what had seemed forever, he stood up and guided me so that my face was down into the sofa.  i felt his hands pull down my panties and with his feet he pushed my knees as far apart as they would go.  Something wet then smeared first around my ass and then pushed inside by his fingers.  i think i whimpered at him then to not hurt me but i had no response from him other than gentle but firm pressure on my virgin ass as he slowly but inexorably pushed his cock inside me.  It was difficult to begin with and he retreated and added more lubricant before returning, first opening me a little more with a finger, then two and getting me more ready to accept him so that when his cock returned to my ass for the second time, i felt it make a little headway and then a stab of pain followed by a feeling of ecstasy as his cock slid deep inside me.  That stab of pain was intense and i feared he had split me but it was forgotten quickly as his cock penetrated my ass much further than any dildo i had practiced with before.  i found myself moving with him, following his rhythm, wriggling my ass trying to impale myself even further onto him.  His hands were cupping my breasts and pinching my nipples and i ached again for release but it was he who came first, his body shaking and convulsing within me.

He pulled out of me, somehow managing to leave his cum filled condom inside me.  As i knelt there i could feel his cum trickling out of it and onto my leg and then into my panties which he pulled up for me.  Then, he was back in front of me and i was tasting him again as i cleaned off his cock with my tongue.  It was becoming flaccid now and was easier for me to manage and so i soon had it cleaned to his satisfaction.

He helped me to stand and then led me back to my kitchen table where he bent me over as i had been when he arrived.  He placed a small key in my hand and told me it would release me from the cuffs once he had gone but i was not to attempt release until i heard my door close behind him.

He left me then, still dressed as a whore and now feeling like one in cum soaked panties, his jizm still seeping out of my ass.  i had not even seen his face!  i removed the cuffs and the blindfold only to find myself still in the dark.  He had switched out the lights.  When i put them back on, there on the kitchen table was a small envelope which i opened and found inside a $5 note and a message which said “Thank you slut, until next time!”  And so i was just what i felt, a $5 whore.

Monday December 7th 2009 – The Experience Project and “My Secret Life”

Back to work today.  So much to do that i did not linger in bed this morning but was up, dressed and at my desk by 7.00am.  Not before i had slipped into pink lace bra and panties though.  True, i had to wear male clothes on top but i still felt good wearing my favourite colour underneath.  The office was quiet for most of the day and i was able to wear open toed maroon, stacked stiletto heels almost all day while at my desk and at times whenever i moved around the room and from 6.00pm, i was able to slip out of the drab male garb and into a flouncy cream coloured dress with a pink and cerise coloured flower print pattern.  Much more like it and once the wig was in place, i felt quite at home.  Pity about the beard having to be grown back for i felt very much like stepping out and going round the corner to the nearest Starbucks for a coffee.  It is only about 5 blocks away and could be quite an adventure.  It is quite the place for people to hang out and who knows what might happen if ever i ventured there “en femme” – not that i have yet had either the opportunity or the nerve to go there “en femme” and alone.

So, i stayed at my desk and am happy to say managed to get the most pressing job out of the way and one or two other incidental jobs that arose during the day.  Nothing else to report though.  No sign of Mistress Ana on line and no response to phoning Goddess Joyce.  i am still feeling excruciatingly horny but gave my nipples a wide berth today, not only in deference to the wishes of Mistress Ana but also because of the growing frustration toying with them brings.  So, an element of self control is returning but for how long it will last, i can’t say.  My state of arousal and frustration is like nothing i have experienced before.

i have come across and signed on to “Experience Project” – a site where people can join and give details about their experiences across a wide range of subjects and situations without fear of exposure and so meet and get to know others who have had similar or would like to have similar experiences.  Naturally, most of my entries have been on my cross dressing and submissive experiences but i have made some new friends there and am finding that opening up about past experiences and activities is quite liberating in a way.  Not that i had any feelings of guilt that i was aware of but it seems that in sharing these experiences i am ridding myself of a burden.  Also, i find others on the project who express similar emotions and who have similar experiences in coping with their sexuality as i have and am experiencing and so by sharing these aspects of our secret lives with others it is like no longer having to hide behind a facade so at to just appease or fit into society’s norms. One of my entries has been a description of “My Secret Life” which details my being a cross dresser or sissy.  I repeat it here:-

My Secret Life

From the moment i first pulled on a skirt at the age of 10 or 11 i have known that i should have been born female.  Although this first time was at the behest of an elder female cousin with whom i was infatuated, in hindsight, it was only a matter of time before i became the cross dresser i am.  i had up until then always felt more comfortable in the company of girls without dressing as one and my infatuation with my female cousin was probably envy and a desire to be like her rather than any male-female attraction.

Since that first time, i have continued to cross-dress whenever i can.  There have been times when i have tried to give up cross dressing, due largely to society’s non acceptance of such behaviour, especially at the time i grew up in rural England.  However, inevitably i returned to cross dressing, replacing clothes i had thrown out with new ones.  But it all had to be done secretly and i found myself having to behave more macho with guys at school and college in order to better hide my secret.

There have been times when i was sure it was a sickness and i now know that it is a medical condition called Gender Dysphoria.  i thought that it was something that i would either eventually grow out of or be cured of.  i thought that when i married i would no longer need to cross dress for the sexual satisfaction that it gave me but that was when i discovered that cross dressing for me was much  more than a turn on and a prelude to masturbation, it was indeed a way of life.  Being sexually active with my wife did nothing to dampen my desire to express my femininity and become female even if only temporarily by donning women’s clothes. Though my wife discovered my secret, she refuses to have anything to do with or to encourage me in any way and has tried many times to force me to stop cross-dressing but had become resigned to the fact that this is an itch that i have to scratch and so turns a blind eye.

So, now, because i travel a lot, i am able to take female clothes with me and cross-dress and be the woman that i am inside in public.  i go out dressed “en femme” and love it.  i have a number of lady friends who know of my cross-dressing and who encourage it and take me out with them as if i were a girlfriend and we go shopping or have a manicure/pedicure together and so on.  These are times when i genuinely feel comfortable and at ease with myself.

i work hard at being as feminine as i can be by keeping my body hair to a minimum, using moisturisers and facial creams and i dress every day in bra and panties beneath my male outer clothes.  i can often get away with wearing stiletto heels while at my desk at work.  Having to remain secretive about my lifestyle is not satisfactory and i dream of being able to be my feminine self all of the time.   However, i made a choice to marry 35 years ago and i have 3 wonderful children and a grandson and in deference to their wishes, my life as a cross dresser shall remain a secret at least for the foreseeable future.

Sunday December 6th 2009 – pampering myself followed by confession of crime and punishment

This morning i treated myself to a pampering.  First, depilation with my No-No followed by exfoliation with a really vigorous body scrub in a hot stinging shower so that i was left glowing pink all over.  Then i did my nails, giving myself both manicure and pedicure.  How sad though that i could not paint them!  i love having my nails painted but it is too much of a give away around the office if i use anything other than natural and i do so like to see them in a deep red or pretty pink.  So, it was just a clipping and filing today before applying hand and nail cream.  i also treated myself to a liberal covering of body lotion and face cream before applying some Nivea roll-on deodorant and perfume spray so that i felt fresh, clean and envigorated when i slipped into a clean white lace bra and matching panties.  Nothing like pure white on a Sunday!

Sadly, no chance to go entirely “en femme” today for my business associate and flat mate decided to stay home all day!  It didn’t stop me wearing a pair of white flat heeled open toed pumps at my desk where i worked on and off all day but it was still a bit of a let down after yesterday, especially as today would be the last day i could have gone out “en femme” because from now on i must let my beard grow back so that it is looking normal when i get home to my wife.

i chatted with Mistress Ana today.  She commented on how much She liked my “look of the day” yesterday and the mini-skirt in particular.  She had shared it with a girl in Her office in Thailand so now more people know of my sissy nature.   However, while pleased with my look, as i might have expected, She is not pleased with me having been playing with my nipples and i shall be punished for it when we next are able to be together.  i knew this would be the case and it raises the question why would i admit to it knowing it would mean i would be punished and suffer a sore backside as a result?  Surely, i could keep this misdemeanour to myself, Mistress would never know and i would not suffer the consequences.  Well, firstly, as a slave, i shall be punished and disciplined from time to time whether i have done anything particularly naughty or not.  That is the way of things for Mistress will always seek to assert and exercise Her authority and control.  Thus, i may as well admit to being naughty and be punished at least for something that i know i have done wrong.  But it is more than that.  It goes deeper.  By misbehaving and not admitting to it i am being deceitful.  True, Mistress may never find out but i would know that i am not being true to Her and by admitting my faults i can at least continue to respect myself.  In relationships built on trust, i want to be able to reply to any questioning on my behaviour honestly whether i have done right or wrong for sooner or later, Mistress is going to ask me about my behaviour while alone and if i cannot reply honestly it will show and my punishment would be all the more severe.

So, why play with my nipples anyway when i know that it will only get me into trouble?  The answer there is that i am weak and i just so love the sensations they cause within me when i tease them that i cannot help myself.  Perhaps in time, i will learn more self control.  The enhancement of my sexual frustration and the painful consequences of it at the hands of Mistress Ana may, in time, instill that discipline in me.  i will try hard to overcome the temptation but i will also continue to admit and confess when i fail.

Saturday December 5th 2009 – the fire burning within

A luscious lazy start to the weekend, lingering in bed in my satin PJ’s contemplating my situation and thinking of Mistress Ana and Her control of me and my sexual function.  This of course added to my state of arousal and frustration but yet i am not about to break the seal on the CB-2000 nor resort to trying to find a way to reach an orgasm with the chastity device in place.  However, as i lay in bed, half dozing, i set to thinking about the significance of having surrendered control of my sexual function to another person, specifically to Mistress Ana.  If i was not locked into a chastity device it would be easy to masturbate and obtain relief but would it bring any satisfaction?  i began to reflect along the theme that masturbation is a weak attempt at self satisfaction and shows a lack of self control.  Having said that, i know myself well enough to know that without the cock cage in place, i would not have the will power or self control to stop myself from regular masturbation.  i have also experienced that deep and profound orgasm that comes from being manipulated by another, an orgasm that far supercedes the climax brought on by masturbation.  It is that very loss of control and being manipulated by another that renders the climax so much more powerful and so with that thought in my mind, i began to feel secure and safe in CB-2000 and happy to have surrendered myself and my sexual function to Mistress Ana.

i eventually got out of bed and dressed fully “en femme” straight away for my business associate had left early for a family function.  So it was with some joy that i got out of bed and put on a pink lace bra and matching pink mesh and lace panties, a short brown pleated mini-skirt, a pink cross-over top, my long red wig, and the low heeled pink and grey sling back shoes given to me by Mistress Ana.  Next, i took myself to the laundry and hand washed all my dirty underwear, all two weeks of it.  i had not had chance to do so last weekend because i was out in the mountains so today’s washing was a bigger job than usual.  Nevertheless, i quite enjoyed doing my feminine chores, hanging them out to dry on the line in full view of neighbours, not caring if i was seen, indeed half hoping i would be.

Once the washing was out on the line, i went to my desk and caught up with some correspondence and some accounts while listening to music.  i can’t describe how good it felt to be able to be true to my inner feminine self, moving around the apartment “en femme” with total freedom and then in the early afternoon, slipping out to the supermarket, not really to buy anything in particular but just to get outside and stretch my legs.  The cool breeze felt delicious on my bare legs and i couldn’t resist taking my time and walking around another block to call at a chemist to buy some more Domperidone.  i am gradually building up a large supply of the drug so that when the time is right, i can make a prolonged and concerted effort at initiating lactation in my breasts.  i walked around for about an hour and then returned to the apartment and made myself a meal.  i had washed the dishes and then brought in my underwear from the washing line and had begun to change back into male outer clothes to go and visit vanilla friends who had invited me for dinner when my associate returned from his family event.  i was really only just in time, having got my panties and bras off the line only 15 minutes or so before he returned!

The evening was very enjoyable, purely vanilla but good conversation, company and food and it was midnight before i returned to my shared apartment and slipped back into my satin PJ’s and drifted off to sleep contemplating once again my good fortune firstly in having been able to go out “en femme” today and secondly at belonging to Mistress Ana, wondering and fantasising on being with Her “en femme” 24/7, adding more fuel to the emotional and physical arousal burning within me!

Friday December 4th 2009 – Coping with sexual arousal and frustration while locked in chastity

This morning, i chose silver grey satin matching bra and thong to wear beneath my male outer clothes.  No lace today but cute little silver bows, one in the centre of the bra and the other in the front centre of the thong.  i love the sensual feel of satin against my skin and am really enjoying sleeping on the satin PJ’s i bought last week, so much so in fact that i am always reluctant to take them off in a morning, preferring to lie in bed as late as i dare and playing with my nipples through the cool, soft material.  Not that playing with my nipples in such a way is good for me. Quite the contrary, it increases my already aroused state and adds to my frustration at being unable to have an orgasm due to being locked in chastity.  Right now, i am feeling extremely aroused both physically and emotionally but the CB-2000 cock cage and chastity device is keeping me from gaining any sort of release or pleasure.  It keeps me in a constant state of arousal and awareness of my position and status as Mistress Ana’s sissy slave and keeps Mistress Herself in the forefront of my mind even though at the moment we are on opposite sides of the world.

As previous entries in this blog have demonstrated, there is no way i can bring myself to an orgasm without removing the CB-2000, something that would not only be a complete betrayal on my part of the trust Mistress places in me but it would also show failure and unworthiness which, at best would result in severe punishment from Mistress but at worst, could mean dismissal from Her service, something that i dare not even contemplate. i adore Her and love serving Her so much that to be dismissed would be more painful than the most severe beating She might ever inflict upon me.  And so, i carry the growing frustration with me along with the constant reminder of being entirely under the control of my Owner, Mistress Ana.

In idle moments during the day, this frustration returns so i try to keep busy.  If i am ever not busy, my distraction is always thoughts of Mistress and the longing for being back with Her and the relief that only She can give me.  Mistress Ana is acutely aware of the sensitive nature of my nipples and that they are almost hard wired to my cock and She has become skilled at driving me to orgasm by playing with them, teasing them, pinching them, sucking and biting on them with increasing intensity until and beyond the moment when my whole being is rocked by a climax that bursts out from deep within me.  These orgasms surpass any that i have ever experienced in masturbation and the memory of them and the hope for another on my return to Her is enough to help me through the times like now when my sexual frustration rises to a peak.

Thursday December 3rd 2009 – More about slavery

Today, i chose to wear pale blue lace panties and matching bra beneath my male outer clothes.  With a blue shirt, i was at least colour coordinated!  With a full day of meetings, i was out of the office a lot of the time and so was unable to chat with either Mistress Ana or Goddess Joyce.  So, very little to report about the day other than work related things.

So, just to add a little to yesterday’s thoughts on slavery, here is a piece that i think truly sums up slavery.  These are not my words but are quoted from slave david stein.

Slavery;

By

David Stein

slavery is not about suffering . . .
. . . slavery is about service.

slavery is not about humiliation . . .
. . . slavery is about humility.

slavery is not about pain . . .
. . . slavery is about being present.

slavery is not about being used . . .
. . . slavery is about being of use.

slavery is not about control . . .
. . . slavery is about letting go.

slavery is not about your desires . . .
. . . slavery is about giving to others.

slavery is not about abuse . . .
. . . slavery is about acceptance.

slavery is not about proving anything . . .
. . . slavery is about being real.

slavery is not about contempt . . .
. . . slavery is about respect.

slavery is not about how you look . . .
. . . slavery is about the size of your heart.

slavery is not about denying yourself . . .
. . . slavery is about being open.

slavery is not about bondage . . .
. . . slavery is about freeing your spirit.

slavery is not about punishment . . .
. . . slavery is about discipline.

slavery is not about being unable to escape . . .
. . . slavery is about being committed.

slavery is not about submission . . .
. . . slavery is about obedience.

slavery is not about fear . . .
. . . slavery is about trust.

slavery is not about sex . . .
. . . slavery is about love.

slavery is not about pleasure . . .
. . . slavery is about happiness.

slave david stein, Oct-Nov. 1998