Monday December 7th 2009 – The Experience Project and “My Secret Life”

Back to work today.  So much to do that i did not linger in bed this morning but was up, dressed and at my desk by 7.00am.  Not before i had slipped into pink lace bra and panties though.  True, i had to wear male clothes on top but i still felt good wearing my favourite colour underneath.  The office was quiet for most of the day and i was able to wear open toed maroon, stacked stiletto heels almost all day while at my desk and at times whenever i moved around the room and from 6.00pm, i was able to slip out of the drab male garb and into a flouncy cream coloured dress with a pink and cerise coloured flower print pattern.  Much more like it and once the wig was in place, i felt quite at home.  Pity about the beard having to be grown back for i felt very much like stepping out and going round the corner to the nearest Starbucks for a coffee.  It is only about 5 blocks away and could be quite an adventure.  It is quite the place for people to hang out and who knows what might happen if ever i ventured there “en femme” – not that i have yet had either the opportunity or the nerve to go there “en femme” and alone.

So, i stayed at my desk and am happy to say managed to get the most pressing job out of the way and one or two other incidental jobs that arose during the day.  Nothing else to report though.  No sign of Mistress Ana on line and no response to phoning Goddess Joyce.  i am still feeling excruciatingly horny but gave my nipples a wide berth today, not only in deference to the wishes of Mistress Ana but also because of the growing frustration toying with them brings.  So, an element of self control is returning but for how long it will last, i can’t say.  My state of arousal and frustration is like nothing i have experienced before.

i have come across and signed on to “Experience Project” – a site where people can join and give details about their experiences across a wide range of subjects and situations without fear of exposure and so meet and get to know others who have had similar or would like to have similar experiences.  Naturally, most of my entries have been on my cross dressing and submissive experiences but i have made some new friends there and am finding that opening up about past experiences and activities is quite liberating in a way.  Not that i had any feelings of guilt that i was aware of but it seems that in sharing these experiences i am ridding myself of a burden.  Also, i find others on the project who express similar emotions and who have similar experiences in coping with their sexuality as i have and am experiencing and so by sharing these aspects of our secret lives with others it is like no longer having to hide behind a facade so at to just appease or fit into society’s norms. One of my entries has been a description of “My Secret Life” which details my being a cross dresser or sissy.  I repeat it here:-

My Secret Life

From the moment i first pulled on a skirt at the age of 10 or 11 i have known that i should have been born female.  Although this first time was at the behest of an elder female cousin with whom i was infatuated, in hindsight, it was only a matter of time before i became the cross dresser i am.  i had up until then always felt more comfortable in the company of girls without dressing as one and my infatuation with my female cousin was probably envy and a desire to be like her rather than any male-female attraction.

Since that first time, i have continued to cross-dress whenever i can.  There have been times when i have tried to give up cross dressing, due largely to society’s non acceptance of such behaviour, especially at the time i grew up in rural England.  However, inevitably i returned to cross dressing, replacing clothes i had thrown out with new ones.  But it all had to be done secretly and i found myself having to behave more macho with guys at school and college in order to better hide my secret.

There have been times when i was sure it was a sickness and i now know that it is a medical condition called Gender Dysphoria.  i thought that it was something that i would either eventually grow out of or be cured of.  i thought that when i married i would no longer need to cross dress for the sexual satisfaction that it gave me but that was when i discovered that cross dressing for me was much  more than a turn on and a prelude to masturbation, it was indeed a way of life.  Being sexually active with my wife did nothing to dampen my desire to express my femininity and become female even if only temporarily by donning women’s clothes. Though my wife discovered my secret, she refuses to have anything to do with or to encourage me in any way and has tried many times to force me to stop cross-dressing but had become resigned to the fact that this is an itch that i have to scratch and so turns a blind eye.

So, now, because i travel a lot, i am able to take female clothes with me and cross-dress and be the woman that i am inside in public.  i go out dressed “en femme” and love it.  i have a number of lady friends who know of my cross-dressing and who encourage it and take me out with them as if i were a girlfriend and we go shopping or have a manicure/pedicure together and so on.  These are times when i genuinely feel comfortable and at ease with myself.

i work hard at being as feminine as i can be by keeping my body hair to a minimum, using moisturisers and facial creams and i dress every day in bra and panties beneath my male outer clothes.  i can often get away with wearing stiletto heels while at my desk at work.  Having to remain secretive about my lifestyle is not satisfactory and i dream of being able to be my feminine self all of the time.   However, i made a choice to marry 35 years ago and i have 3 wonderful children and a grandson and in deference to their wishes, my life as a cross dresser shall remain a secret at least for the foreseeable future.

Saturday December 5th 2009 – the fire burning within

A luscious lazy start to the weekend, lingering in bed in my satin PJ’s contemplating my situation and thinking of Mistress Ana and Her control of me and my sexual function.  This of course added to my state of arousal and frustration but yet i am not about to break the seal on the CB-2000 nor resort to trying to find a way to reach an orgasm with the chastity device in place.  However, as i lay in bed, half dozing, i set to thinking about the significance of having surrendered control of my sexual function to another person, specifically to Mistress Ana.  If i was not locked into a chastity device it would be easy to masturbate and obtain relief but would it bring any satisfaction?  i began to reflect along the theme that masturbation is a weak attempt at self satisfaction and shows a lack of self control.  Having said that, i know myself well enough to know that without the cock cage in place, i would not have the will power or self control to stop myself from regular masturbation.  i have also experienced that deep and profound orgasm that comes from being manipulated by another, an orgasm that far supercedes the climax brought on by masturbation.  It is that very loss of control and being manipulated by another that renders the climax so much more powerful and so with that thought in my mind, i began to feel secure and safe in CB-2000 and happy to have surrendered myself and my sexual function to Mistress Ana.

i eventually got out of bed and dressed fully “en femme” straight away for my business associate had left early for a family function.  So it was with some joy that i got out of bed and put on a pink lace bra and matching pink mesh and lace panties, a short brown pleated mini-skirt, a pink cross-over top, my long red wig, and the low heeled pink and grey sling back shoes given to me by Mistress Ana.  Next, i took myself to the laundry and hand washed all my dirty underwear, all two weeks of it.  i had not had chance to do so last weekend because i was out in the mountains so today’s washing was a bigger job than usual.  Nevertheless, i quite enjoyed doing my feminine chores, hanging them out to dry on the line in full view of neighbours, not caring if i was seen, indeed half hoping i would be.

Once the washing was out on the line, i went to my desk and caught up with some correspondence and some accounts while listening to music.  i can’t describe how good it felt to be able to be true to my inner feminine self, moving around the apartment “en femme” with total freedom and then in the early afternoon, slipping out to the supermarket, not really to buy anything in particular but just to get outside and stretch my legs.  The cool breeze felt delicious on my bare legs and i couldn’t resist taking my time and walking around another block to call at a chemist to buy some more Domperidone.  i am gradually building up a large supply of the drug so that when the time is right, i can make a prolonged and concerted effort at initiating lactation in my breasts.  i walked around for about an hour and then returned to the apartment and made myself a meal.  i had washed the dishes and then brought in my underwear from the washing line and had begun to change back into male outer clothes to go and visit vanilla friends who had invited me for dinner when my associate returned from his family event.  i was really only just in time, having got my panties and bras off the line only 15 minutes or so before he returned!

The evening was very enjoyable, purely vanilla but good conversation, company and food and it was midnight before i returned to my shared apartment and slipped back into my satin PJ’s and drifted off to sleep contemplating once again my good fortune firstly in having been able to go out “en femme” today and secondly at belonging to Mistress Ana, wondering and fantasising on being with Her “en femme” 24/7, adding more fuel to the emotional and physical arousal burning within me!

Friday December 4th 2009 – Coping with sexual arousal and frustration while locked in chastity

This morning, i chose silver grey satin matching bra and thong to wear beneath my male outer clothes.  No lace today but cute little silver bows, one in the centre of the bra and the other in the front centre of the thong.  i love the sensual feel of satin against my skin and am really enjoying sleeping on the satin PJ’s i bought last week, so much so in fact that i am always reluctant to take them off in a morning, preferring to lie in bed as late as i dare and playing with my nipples through the cool, soft material.  Not that playing with my nipples in such a way is good for me. Quite the contrary, it increases my already aroused state and adds to my frustration at being unable to have an orgasm due to being locked in chastity.  Right now, i am feeling extremely aroused both physically and emotionally but the CB-2000 cock cage and chastity device is keeping me from gaining any sort of release or pleasure.  It keeps me in a constant state of arousal and awareness of my position and status as Mistress Ana’s sissy slave and keeps Mistress Herself in the forefront of my mind even though at the moment we are on opposite sides of the world.

As previous entries in this blog have demonstrated, there is no way i can bring myself to an orgasm without removing the CB-2000, something that would not only be a complete betrayal on my part of the trust Mistress places in me but it would also show failure and unworthiness which, at best would result in severe punishment from Mistress but at worst, could mean dismissal from Her service, something that i dare not even contemplate. i adore Her and love serving Her so much that to be dismissed would be more painful than the most severe beating She might ever inflict upon me.  And so, i carry the growing frustration with me along with the constant reminder of being entirely under the control of my Owner, Mistress Ana.

In idle moments during the day, this frustration returns so i try to keep busy.  If i am ever not busy, my distraction is always thoughts of Mistress and the longing for being back with Her and the relief that only She can give me.  Mistress Ana is acutely aware of the sensitive nature of my nipples and that they are almost hard wired to my cock and She has become skilled at driving me to orgasm by playing with them, teasing them, pinching them, sucking and biting on them with increasing intensity until and beyond the moment when my whole being is rocked by a climax that bursts out from deep within me.  These orgasms surpass any that i have ever experienced in masturbation and the memory of them and the hope for another on my return to Her is enough to help me through the times like now when my sexual frustration rises to a peak.

Friday October 30th 2009 – Disaster with chastity

i have no idea how it could have happened but it has.  During the night, i recall  feeling a dull ache in my genitals and, half asleep, moving my hand down to the cock cage and pulling it gently until it felt right, at the same time becoming more awake as the ache became a severe pain in my left testicle.  Further feeling around there under the cover of the bedclothes reassured me that the CB-2000 was still securely in place even thought it did not feel quite right.  i awoke this morning knowing something was amiss and, on getting to the bathroom, discovered that my left testicle had escaped the CB-2000.  i tried to get it back in without removing the cock cage but to no avail.  How on earth it got out, i have no idea but escape it did.

i was now faced with a dilemma. i could leave things as they were which would require explanation sooner or later to Mistress Ana and be decidedly uncomfortable in the meantime, or remove and then replace the cock cage using another seal, which would also require explanation and, i am sure, result in some form of punishment.  In fact, i was certain that i would be punished no matter what but decided it would be better to be truthful whether or not Mistress Ana believed my explanation.  The thought then occurred to me that i might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and take the opportunity to masturbate.  Believe it or not though, i have never felt less like masturbating!  i was more preoccupied with how on earth the testicle could have got through the narrow confining gap in the CB-2000 rings and the consequences of it having done so to think about masturbating.  Furthermore, the horniness that develops while wearing the device is as much a psychological or emotional need as it is a physical need and i felt that i wanted to orgasm only when told to do so by Mistress Ana.  To cheat would be cheating myself as much as it would Her for the ultimate orgasm is one that is emotionally shared and not a furtive secret masturbation.

So, i removed the cock cage before getting in the shower and my Friday morning depilation, exfoliation and moisturisation ritual.  It gave me the chance to shave again my genitals and thoroughly clean that area.  After this, i replaced the chastity device using seal number CW8YD.  A splash of perfume later, i slipped into matching pink lace bra and panties, a white blouse, pink calf length skirt, long red wig and pink stiletto heeled sandals.  Before starting work, i gathered up my weeks laundry and put it through the washing machine.  Today was beautifully sunny and warm and i knew i could get all my washing done and dry before my wife returned home.  i spent the full working day in my office then completely “en femme.”  It may be surprising for some to know that such days when i am dressed “en femme” are some of my most productive and today was no exception.  i think this stems from simply being so comfortable and at home dressed as a woman that i am less distracted whereas days when i am only able to wear feminine underwear beneath my male outer clothes and ladies shoes while at my desk, i am much more conscious of my situation and on guard, so less focused on work.

Nothing else much to report on today.  No chats with anyone.  However, i did come across a wig for sale that i love.  Though i regularly wear my long red wig, i would love to have a shorter style that is perhaps more in keeping with my age and i just adore this one, a bargain at just $55.

i also discovered Christian Laboutin shoes – so many gorgeous heels on view i was drooling, and an article on “How high does one go with one’s heels? “ Such interesting reading that i not only voted on the 5″ or higher but also decided to provide the link.  The final thing was my Gravatar.  i have been creating virtual looks for myself on a virtual shopping site and decided that i could link some of the looks i have created there for myself to my Gravatar within my blog.  i am still not sure how effective it will be but i have a lot of fun virtually trying on different clothes for different activities.  It can’t equal the real thing but it is the next best thing for a would be gurl!

Friday September 25th 2009 – A brief meeting with Mistress Ana, My Owner.

Having arrived home in the small hours of Monday 21st, i returned to work the same day and one of the first things i did was to contact Mistress Ana and let Her know that i had returned home.  i was absolutely delighted when She told me that She wished to see me today.  i rose early and as soon as my wife had left for work, i set about shaving my body and giving myself a good enema, four in fact, wanting to be as presentable and clean as possible both inside and out.  When i arrived at Mistress’ house, i was surprised to see another car parked where i normally park.  i pulled alongside it with some trepidation, wondering if perhaps Mistress had invited a friend or friends over for me to serve also.  She has indicated that this will happen sooner or later and while i am happy to oblige, it is always a little unnerving when serving others who are unknown, wanting to do Mistress’ bidding as well as possible but not knowing how demanding will Her friends be.

However, i need not have worried because as i came around to the front of the house, i found another man, slave, weeding Her front garden.  i was not sure whether or not to acknowledge him and just said good morning as i rang the doorbell.  Mistress opened the door immediately and i stepped inside where i discovered that She had taken on this new garden slave.  Mistress also told me that She was pleased with the work that i had done while She had been away both in the garden and in the house and that Her son had given Her good reports of my efforts.  However, Mistress quite rightly divined that i must have misbehaved in Her absence, especially without the CB-2000 chastity device in place, and so would need to be punished.  It was true that i had succumbed to temptation and had reached an orgasm but not entirely intentional (see entry for August 24st).  While in Brazil and Peru, i had not so much as thought about masturbating, i had been too preoccupied with cramming as much work into such a short trip.

But punished i had to be and Mistress quickly had me naked and humbled with my legs cuffed to Her leg spreader and gave me a sound beating on both my ass and the tops of my thighs but, was careful not to beat me too heavily for fear of leaving marks visible to my wife.  i am very lucky to belong to Her for She exercises discipline over me in a considerate way.  While the punishment obviously hurt, it felt good to be entirely at Her mercy and to know that i am Hers.  Having beaten me, Mistress then had me worship Her so as to taste what i had been missing and to give me a reminder of the nectar that i will miss while i am away in China.  And it was just a taste.  Mistress knew i wanted to worship Her longer but did not allow it and left me thirsting for more of Her elixir.

Afterward, Mistress presented me with a beautiful matching shocking pink lace bra and boy-leg panties.  They are adorable and i could not get into them quickly enough.  As i said above, i am so very lucky to belong to such a considerate Domme.  i finished dressing by slipping into my maid’s outfit with white stockings and black patent heels.  Mistress loves the look, i am glad to say.  We then had coffee as Mistress took me through to Her office and showed me pictures taken on Her holiday in Europe.  It was fascinating to see Her with Her Romanian relatives and enjoying all sorts of activities with Her daughter and husband.  There were many pictures to go through and we chatted a lot about the different people in the pictures but especially about Her daughter who is very beautiful and has the most magnificent wardrobe purchased from stores in Dubai.  Mistress had returned with beautiful shoes from a designer that She had learned of through this blog.

Mistress’ husband, youngest son and daughter all know about me and Mistress has made it plain to me that She hopes one day to have me serve Her husband, also She had indicated that while She was away, should i have encountered Her son, he would not necessarily bother me but might ask me to service him orally in which case it was up to me.  Today, Mistress also confided in me that She was planning to have a day when She would have me with Her to serve a number of Her friends, both female and male, all Dom(me)s of course.  i have to say that whereas i would not go looking necessarily to orally serve others than Mistress and other males in particular, my nature is submissive and my need is to serve and provided this is required by Mistress, i will of course do so.  i have given myself to Her and i trust Her implicitly and know that She would not wish me to do anything with anyone that might be risky to my own well being.  Her demands of me might seem to others to be humiliating or perverted but to me they are not, they are requests of me to demonstrate my love for Her, my desire to please Her and my absolute obedience to Her and i see all such demands that She makes of me as being opportunities for me to demonstrate my complete trust in Her, my adoration of Her and acceptance of Her authority over me, something that deep inside i know i need to have.  When i think of the years that have passed when i knew i was submissive, knew i needed to serve a dominant lady and could find no one, and see also the number of submissive males and would be slaves who scour the internet trying to find someone to take them, i realise just how very fortunate i am to have met Mistress Ana and to have been taken into Her charge.  i adore Her and love every minute i spend serving Her whether in person or doing Her bidding in Her absence.  Even this blog is a service to Her and i feel bad whenever i fall behind in writing it.

We had lunch together and chatted a little more about Her plans for me, Her other slave, Paul and the new garden slave before i had to leave.  Disappointed that time flew by so quickly, i left knowing that while i remained free of the chastity device for the period of my forthcoming vacation in China with my wife, i would be putting the device on again as soon as i returned.  Strangely, i want to wear it and feel almost naked without it.  It is a constant reminder to me that i am Her possession and am not at liberty to do as i please.  Something for which i am grateful and for which i do not trust myself without it.

Friday August 21st 2009 – Humbled to orgasm!

i was so incredibly aroused and horny today it was just not funny.  i was unable to concentrate at all on my work.  Fortunately, no one else was around in the office all day and so i was able to dress “en femme” from the moment i arrived at work until late afternoon.  But even being comfortably dressed in turquoise lace bra and panties, tan stockings, corset, bottle green top with white pants, black stiletto heels was not enough to remove the uncontrollable urges i was feeling.  i have never felt so horny and distracted in my life.

i could not even get into my workload never mind focus on it and spent the first part of the morning trying on different wigs and finally choosing a shoulder length black wig for a change.  It was while i was doing this that i encountered again the humbler i had had made in Peru for Mistress Ana.  She had suggested that i smooth the edges and i had done this a couple of weekends ago but i had never tested it.  In fact, i was convinced that i would not be able to test it while ever i still had the CB-2000 chastity device in place.  However, in my horny state this morning, i decided to test whether or not it was possible to fit the humbler while still wearing the CB-2000.  To my surprise, i found that it was possible to fit it and also to tighten the ball crusher on it.  Forced now to my knees by the humbler, i was even more aroused than before, even though my cock was not erect.  It was however pressing against the sides of its constraining cock cage, not painfully so but erotically so such that as i moved around the floor on all fours, the cage itself was rubbing against my enlarged yet still flaccid cock.  This was all too much for me and i could feel myself quickly on the point of orgasm.  Ooohhhhhhh! i knew i should not cum but yet i so wanted to and then again i didn’t want to for i knew i should not do so without permission from Mistress Ana but i had gone too far for even as i moved to try and get out of the humbler, the sensations i was feeling rose to another level and i could not go back, i reached an incredible, strong, deep orgasm, one that built up and exploded from deep within such that i could not even stay on all fours but slumped down so that my face was on the carpet.

i have never had such an orgasm before.  Yes, since my prostate surgery, i have become familiar with dry flaccid climaxes when masturbating but this was incredibly different.  It was similar to that i experienced at the hands, lips and teeth of Mistress Ana as She toyed with my nipples several weeks ago now but in this case no one was playing with my breasts and no one was touching my cock.  It was driven by the deep inner sense of submission i felt while on all fours in the humbler, the unusual position in which it had pulled my cock and balls and the firm but not painful constraint of the CB-2000 on my semi-aroused cock.  It emerged rapidly from deep inside me, like an explosion but not of ejaculate, more an explosion of emotion.  It was manifested by a shattering shaking and contracting of muscles stronger than with other orgasms and left trembling me on my knees with my arms too weak to support my face off the floor.  i lay there afterward for several minutes before struggling back to all fours and then kneeling so as to remove the humbler.  i felt drained, emotionally drained and now more than ever in true adoration of my Owner, Mistress Ana.  This experience, though i know i shall be punished for it because i have had an orgasm without Her permission, shook me for i had not realised i could experience such a combination of physical and emotional climax and it would and could never have happened had Mistress not placed me in chastity.

A day short of 10 weeks in chastity during which time i have reached an orgasm only once and that now several weeks since, had brought me to an unprecedented  state of both physical and emotional arousal.  An arousal the like of which i have never previously experienced and one which precluded me from thinking about my work and had me at such a level that the sense and sensation of submission and Ownership that i felt once in the humbler was enough to take me over the edge.  i know i shall now face punishment for this and that i shall need to learn more control over my climaxes but in my defence, i can only say that i did not set out to have an orgasm, i simply wanted to test the humbler which, i can now honestly confirm, can be worn with the CB-2000 and has had it’s edges sufficiently rounded so as not to cut into my flesh.

Monday August 17th 2009 – Oh so horny!

i don’t know quite why i felt particularly horny today but i did.  All day long!  Even burying myself in work didn’t help.  Thoughts of Mistress Ana, chastity, and lactation were ever in my mind no matter what i tried to busy myself with and the urge to masturbate just would not go away.  Even so, i never once considered removing the seal on the CB-2000 cock cage even though i was constantly aware of its presence.  More so today than for a long time.  Every time i used the breast pump today, i felt even more aroused and wanted to play with my nipples more once the breast pump had been switched off.  i found myself wanting to torture them knowing that it might well bring me to an orgasm even while still wearing the CB-2000 but here again, i managed to beat the temptation.  But it all went to make a very distracted day at work.  i couldn’t really settle into anything properly.

i wore a white satin bra today, white cotton panties with lace front, tan knee-highs and for a while, my standard black high heel pumps while at my desk.  However, my horniness got the better of me and for some considerable time i wore my black ballet boots with the enormous high heel.  These boots force my foot into a position where i have to walk on my toes and they keep the foot so arched whether standing or sitting and so after a while they become a torture to wear irrespective of the length of time i spend on my feet.  These added to my distraction from work but i found that they also managed to take my mind off my urge to masturbate.  Nevertheless, on a couple of occasions, as i sat, breast pump in place and working, feet tightly constrained in the ballet boots, i found myself rocking backwards and forwards and feeling my pathetic little cock rubbing up against the inside of the CB-2000.  It felt so good but i snapped out of it each time for to have carried for long on would undoubtedly brought me to an orgasm.

Somehow i got through the day and, in the evening, after dinner, all such urges abated somewhat.  i still felt aroused but not nearly so much as earlier in the day.  i don’t understand just why i felt to incredibly horny earlier, i just did.

i will be away for the next couple of days, attending meetings in Brisbane so am not sure whether i will be able to make any posts but i will try.  Tomorrow, i should go to Mistress Ana’s house and make sure it is clean and tidy before i leave for Brisbane.  i had planned to do some work in Her garden but the weather looks like being too wet and with limited time, i think i will just do what needs to be done and try to get back there later in the week or spend more time there next week.

Monday August 3rd 2009 – An appointment with the doctor

Today i had an afternoon appointment with the specialist regarding my recovery from the prostate removal and my erectile dysfunction.  Truth is that i now see no more signs of improvement and although i can still inject myself when i want to get an erection, now that i am in chastity an erection, full blown is the last thing i want.  i am now resigned to never ever having penetrative sex again but to using my tongue for OSODD (Oral Sex On Dommes Demand).  Yes, i am horny and need an orgasm badly but since my surgery, i have had flaccid dry orgasms, no cum.  Prior to chastity, i could masturbate as before but would never get hard yet i would still cum.  Since in chastity, i have reached orgasm only once and that was when Mistress Ana played with and suckled on my nipples.  i am feeling so incredibly horny these days, what with the chastity combined now with regular nipple stimulation, but i no longer seek an outlet for i know it to be fruitless.  Rather, i long for the wonderful release and much better climax and orgasm i would get should Mistress Ana decree me worthy and once more allow me to cum while She toys with my breasts.

So, back to the doctor.  He has given me samples of some new pills to try – not Cialis or Viagra but Levitra (Vardenafil).  We shall see.  i am not going to risk taking them while in the CB-2000 but will wait and see if Mistress Ana will allow me to take one while i am with Her and the CB-2000 can be temporarily removed.

To the doctors, i was wearing pink lace bra and thong beneath my male clothes and as we chatted, i wondered what he might say if he knew what i was wearing or that i was in chastity or that my real reason for not wanting more needles and injections to take away with me was because it would be very painful for me to use them in my state of confinement.  The Alprostadil injections work really well – too well.  They make me rock hard and bigger than ever i was pre-surgery and they last for up to an hour and a half.  i dread to think of the agony i would suffer if i were to inject while in the CB-2000!!!!!  So, the upshot of all of this is that i am resigned to never experiencing penetrative sex again, to being ever the sissy slave with only a tongue as a sexual implement and for whom sexual release from a constant state of arousal will be controlled by another, Mistress Ana.

Thursday July 10th 2009 – Reflections on Domination, chastity, masturbation and orgasm control

The day after and in the aftermath of my wonderful experience with Mistress Ana, i awoke to sore nipples but only a minor physical arousal.  The sore nipples though meant that Mistress Ana was very much in the forefront of my mind as i dressed, choosing a plain white T-shirt bra rather than lace in deference to the tenderness i felt on my nipples.  i chose white cotton panties with a white lace trim and also wore tan knee highs under my jeans and male shirt.  At work, there was no one else in today although my wife was over in the house.  So, i was not able to dress fully “en femme” but was at least able to move around my office in a pair of black, low heeled pumps.

i was unable to chat with Mistress Ana, Lady Dynah or Goddess Joyce today for i was really very busy and the few times that i was online, there was no sign of any one of them.

i did further checking on the Domperidone drug and it seems it is prescription only here in Australia.  However, there is an online pharmacy that seems to be prepared to sell it but i am reluctant to purchase online due to my Wife having control of the company and home accounts and hence credit card statements and would be immediately suspicious of my purchasing anything from an online pharmacy.  i am going to have to find some other way of buying it online without using my credit card.

i reflected a lot today on yesterday’s experience with Mistress Ana, especially the strength of my physical relief without having been removed from the CB-2000 chastity device.  i have never previously experienced an orgasm without either touching my cock or having an erection.  Yes, i have had wet dreams but they have always been accompanied by an erection.  Here, i was driven to an orgasm by Mistress playing with, teasing and torturing my nipples and although my physical arousal was manifested by my cock becoming semi-erect, my orgasm came deep from within and i feel sure was a response to an emotional as well as physical need.  It was as much the emotional aspect of being manipulated and used that fueled my arousal as it was the physical sensations being felt in my nipples, i truly felt as though i was a possession and it was special knowing that being used in this manner was also arousing and giving pleasure to Mistress.  Indeed, i was being used for Her pleasure, She was in control and i was simply an inanimate being, an implement or toy being used for Her enjoyment.  As i said yesterday, i so wanted to reciprocate, to hold, caress or kiss Her in return but it is not my place and the realisation of this, of my total submission to Her, my complete acceptance of Her Domination and control of sexuality that was the most arousing for me and, as orgasm neared, the realisation that She had denied me orgasm now for almost a month yet had the power to bring me to an orgasm without ever touching my cock drove me even more rapidly to my climax.

On reflection, how much better than masturbation is this?  Masturbation provides for a physical release but without any emotion.  Denial, the build up of physical and emotional arousal followed by such a release at the hands of a strong willed, controlling, Dominating Mistress and Owner, switching on and controlling one’s physical and emotional stimuli and the ultimate moment of release is a recipe that as far as this submissive sissy and slave is concerned cannot be surpassed by masturbation or even penetrative sex for here the stimulation is mental and emotional as much as it is physical.

i am rambling on but suffice to say that this rambling is evidence of the profound effect that surrender, chastity, and the domination and control of Mistress Ana has had on Her sissy slut and slave.  Such an effect that this gurl wants all the more to be Her slave and an instrument of Her pleasure in whatever way She might chose to use me.

Tuesday July 7th 2009

Oh how horny i felt this morning.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, it got worse throughout the day.  i woke thinking of Mistress Ana and wondering how soon i might be able to get together with Her in person.  i had my usual early morning physical arousal but it seemed stronger today and when my Wife got out of bed early as usual on a Tuesday, i stayed in bed and could not resist playing with my nipples.  All to no avail of course.

Surprisingly, my Wife did not go off to work early as is usual on a Tuesday, instead She took Her time getting ready and it was then that i remembered that it was school holidays.  This meant that i could not retrieve my femme clothes and accessories from the suitcases and get them into my main wardrobe in my office undetected so it would have to wait.

i went over to my office and today chose black peep-hole bra and black lace panties to match my mood – frustration at my still strong physical arousal and also at being unable to sort out and put away my femme things.  As the morning went on and i immersed myself in my work, first Goddess Joyce and then later Mistress Ana came online.  It was good to catch up with Goddess Joyce who had received all of the goods i shipped from Cusco for Her and who now had Her hands full with Her neice having come to stay.  However, it was chatting to Mistress Ana that took my physical arousal to new heights.  i am happy to say that She is enjoying my journal and wishing that she could have been on hand to witness some of my exploits.  We were well into chatting though when She became disconnected.  My own connection had been on and off all morning too.  However, i had earlier emailed Her and given Her my phone number, advising Her that i was ready and willing to serve and that She could contact me on my cell phone if it was more convenient.  Even so, i was startled while over in the house, making coffee, when my cellphone rang but also delighted that it was Her.  After some moments where i went out into the garden so as to get a better signal, we were able to chat and i was thrilled that she wanted me to go to Her house tomorrow at 9.00am.  She emailed me Her address and the first thing i did was locate it on a map so that i would be sure to give myself enough time to get there promptly.

From then on the rest of the day was focused entirely on Her and on my forthcoming appointment.  i decided i would wrap the humbler and present it to Her as a gift and so created some personal wrapping paper and a personal greetings card.  But after wrapping it, i was still distracted from my work all day for She was constantly on my mind as i played through different scenarios of how the morning’s meeting might pan out. All of these thoughts enhanced my already strong physical arousal and i found it difficult to keep my self under control.  Masturbation was out due to the CB-2000 but my nipples were accessible and i could not help playing with them while i thought about my forthcoming meeting.  i was determined that i would not be late and that i would present well for i knew that this was truly going to be the first day of what i hoped would become a new life.