Tuesday December 8th 2009 – memories of a $5 whore

A public holiday today in Peru.  Goodness knows why, it is not normally on their calender but apparently there was no military parade during their annual independence celebrations this year (July 28th) for some reason so they decided to hold it today and give everyone a holiday!  Not for me though.  i need to use every minute of my time here and although i could not meet any clients today it gave me chance to work through some data albeit in a more relaxed mode.

i slept in a bit later having stayed up later last night chatting with my business associate and flat mate on business issues.  It was almost 9.00am when i got out of bed.  i chose not to get out of my satin PJ’s straight away as all was quiet in the apartment so i began working on emails etc, while still wearing them.  In fact my associate did not stir until midday so i was able to lounge in my PJ’s until then when i slipped a T-shirt over the camisole top and a pair of shorts over the PJ shorts.  i was almost sure my flatmate would be going out and was waiting to be able to slip into full “femme” mode as soon as he left.  Alas, it was not to be!

i spent my day working on project data and dealing with emails and proposals, stopping occasionally to check if there was anyone online such as Mistress Ana, Goddess Joyce or Lady Dynah but not one of them appeared while ever i was online.  i tried calling Goddess Joyce again but still no answer so left a message.  i should go and visit Her but need details of the clinic, her room etc.  She might even be home again now for all i know.

i spent a little bit of leisure time adding to my experiences on Experience Project and made a few new friends who share similar interests and experiences.  Today, i shared my first experience dressed as a woman but serving a man.  This was some 22 years ago and it turned out to be only a one off because i got cold feet!  Not that the evening spent with him didn’t work out it was more that his longer term ideas for a relationship did not gel with mine once we chatted the following day.  As you can read below, he treated me like a prostitute which was not what i was looking for longer term.  i wanted to be treated as though i was female and to go out so dressed and socialise, go for dinner, the pictures and so on.  All he wanted was to visit me whenever he felt like, day or night for sex during which i would always be blindfolded and bound.  i think i could have coped with the sexual side of things if he had given me a little more such as having me cook for him, wash and iron his clothes or clean his apartment.  As much as i enjoyed my first experience as a whore, it was not what i wanted at the time and not what i would want now.  Thankfully, in serving Mistress Ana, i do get to do chores and run errands for Her as well as being used sexually as She may desire so i know that i am more than just a sex object.  Anyway, this first encounter of the prostitute kind went something like this…………

i entertained him at my apartment.  He had me unlock the door on receiving his phone call.  This meant he was outside.  i was then to blindfold myself and bend across the kitchen table with my hands placed behind my back.  i heard him enter the apartment and then felt his hands strongly take my wrists and cuff them together.  He then ran his hands up my nylon clad legs, over my suspenders and my panties, fondling my ass before moving up and cupping my breasts.  Oh, i cannot describe that feeling as he groped me, it was wonderful, exciting, arousing all at the same time and my cock immediately betrayed my feelings trying to break free from the black lace panties i was wearing.He had told me to dress like a slut and so i had.  In addition to black 4″ stiletto heels with an ankle strap and cute bow, i wore seamed black stockings, Victorian style corset with suspenders, black balconette bra, very short black mini skirt, flimsy see-through blouse, a long haired blond wig and heavy make up.  As i bent over the table, feeling his hands roam over my body, i began to ache not from discomfort but from a need to cum.  Just being touched by him was an amazing turn on for me.

Eventually, he stood me up and led me, still blindfold, through into my lounge where he pushed me down onto my knees.  i heard the zipper of his fly as i knelt there and i knew what was about to happen.  This would be my first time and i was prepared for it.  i wanted it. i had practiced sucking on dildos and tasted my own cum enough to have an idea of what to do and what to expect but i was not prepared for the size of his cock.  It was long alright but that was the least of my problems, it was also very thick, so thick i struggled to get it into my mouth.  i thought my jaw would dislocate, partly from the angle of my neck as i struggled to cope with his strong vertical erection from my position kneeling in front of it, trying desperately to get a little height so that i could get my mouth downwards over it.

i began licking the head of his cock and then along the shaft as i struggled for a position where i could take all of him but i need not have bothered for his hands soon locked onto either side of my head and began to manipulate me, moving my head and hence my mouth over his engorged member, working it down into my throat so that i could hardly breathe.  Gradually, i became more used to his size and to the frequency of his thrusting and my head being pushed against him so that i found a way of breathing between the thrusts which, after first becoming longer and deeper, began to increase in frequency until my whole head was forced against his abdomen, i could feel his balls against my chin and his cock so far down my throat i thought i would choke.  And he held me like that while his whole body convulsed and shook as he exploded inside my throat, pulling back a little then so that i could taste him as he shed his seed into my mouth.

Tears were running down my cheeks now, smudging my make-up.  They were tears of joy mixed with shame mixed with pain.  Joy at having been used as if i were a woman, shame at feeling like a slut and whore and pain from my aching neck and jaw as well as a sore throat.

As he subsided, he spoke gently but firmly to me, fondling me once again.  He held me to him and told me he was proud of me and how he was also going to rape my ass.  As i knelt by him in my blindfold darkness, a new fear possessed me.  His cock had seemed so big, how would my ass cope?

First though, he switched on my TV and loaded a pornographic video into the machine.  i could not see what he was watching but i could hear the unmistakable noises of sexual activity and i could feel his hand gently stroking his own member while he watched.  Not before long, he told me to get back to work on his cock and my head was guided down back over his newly erect member.  He did not manipulate my head this time but allowed me to quietly work my tongue over, around and along it, taking it fully into my mouth every so often until, after what had seemed forever, he stood up and guided me so that my face was down into the sofa.  i felt his hands pull down my panties and with his feet he pushed my knees as far apart as they would go.  Something wet then smeared first around my ass and then pushed inside by his fingers.  i think i whimpered at him then to not hurt me but i had no response from him other than gentle but firm pressure on my virgin ass as he slowly but inexorably pushed his cock inside me.  It was difficult to begin with and he retreated and added more lubricant before returning, first opening me a little more with a finger, then two and getting me more ready to accept him so that when his cock returned to my ass for the second time, i felt it make a little headway and then a stab of pain followed by a feeling of ecstasy as his cock slid deep inside me.  That stab of pain was intense and i feared he had split me but it was forgotten quickly as his cock penetrated my ass much further than any dildo i had practiced with before.  i found myself moving with him, following his rhythm, wriggling my ass trying to impale myself even further onto him.  His hands were cupping my breasts and pinching my nipples and i ached again for release but it was he who came first, his body shaking and convulsing within me.

He pulled out of me, somehow managing to leave his cum filled condom inside me.  As i knelt there i could feel his cum trickling out of it and onto my leg and then into my panties which he pulled up for me.  Then, he was back in front of me and i was tasting him again as i cleaned off his cock with my tongue.  It was becoming flaccid now and was easier for me to manage and so i soon had it cleaned to his satisfaction.

He helped me to stand and then led me back to my kitchen table where he bent me over as i had been when he arrived.  He placed a small key in my hand and told me it would release me from the cuffs once he had gone but i was not to attempt release until i heard my door close behind him.

He left me then, still dressed as a whore and now feeling like one in cum soaked panties, his jizm still seeping out of my ass.  i had not even seen his face!  i removed the cuffs and the blindfold only to find myself still in the dark.  He had switched out the lights.  When i put them back on, there on the kitchen table was a small envelope which i opened and found inside a $5 note and a message which said “Thank you slut, until next time!”  And so i was just what i felt, a $5 whore.

Saturday November 21st 2009 – Sweet dreams, “femme” reality and D/s lifestlye debate

And sweet dreams they were!  So sweet in fact that i woke early and extremely horny.  i lay on my back in bed and felt an intense longing both physical and emotional.  It was like withdrawal symptoms i guess.  my body was crying out to be used, my nipples were hard and proudly jutting through my pink satin PJ’s and i could not resist playing with them even though i know that Mistress Ana would not approve and that i shall be punished for having done so.  Of course, this made my physical arousal all the more intense but try as i might, playing with my nipples myself does not bring me to an orgasm.  It is not the same as when Mistress Ana does it obviously and the more i think of Her the more i miss Her and the more my nipples and indeed my whole body aches.  And so, i did not linger long.  Knowing that touching my nipples would only add to my fruitless arousal, i climbed out of bed and took myself off to the bathroom, but not for a cold shower!

No, this morning was hair removal morning.  i went over my whole body with the No-No, or at least those parts that i can reach.  i did my face again for i am determined now to try and gradually kill off my facial hair.  i am under no illusion that this will take a long time but all the better then to start now.  After the No-No, i shaved my face and then decided to run the razor over the rest of my body too for the No-No does not get all of the hairs.  The result was a very smoothly shaven roxie indeed!  Next, i showered and exfoliated vigorously.  Oh what heaven it was in the hot stinging shower with my freshly shaved body all pink and tingling by the time i had finished.  After toweling myself dry, i began applying body lotion all over.  The door to my room was closed but it did not stop my business partner from just walking in unannounced.  i don’t know who was the more surprised or embarrassed, him from seeing me naked or me from not being sure whether or not he saw the CB-2000 before i grabbed a towel or whether he noticed i was hairless or perhaps even noticed the bra and panties that were still draped over the chair from yesterday!  i pulled a towel quickly around my waist as my partner announced he would be gone for the day.  i was delighted to hear this and tried my level best to show no embarrassment or discomfort as i wished him a great day with his lady friend.

After he left, i finished applying moisturiser to my face and hands and then dressed entirely “en femme.”  i applied make up, put on my wig and dressed in the same purple bra as yesterday and clean purple lace panties.  i chose a summery dress to wear and then put on a little jewelery, a lovely lapis lazuli and silver necklace and my ladies watch which i discovered in my jewelery bag after all.  i chose a pair of 4″ stiletto heels in a maroon colour that matched the dress and for which i had a matching handbag and then, putting money in the handbag, decided to go out shopping.  First i went to the supermarket to get a few items i needed for lunch today and tomorrow.  Just fresh vegetables really but it felt terrific to be outside in the fresh air, my newly depilated legs cooled by the breeze.  i attracted no attention as i shopped, at least none that i noticed, and the girl at the checkout certainly gave me no second glance.

i walked by to the office/apartment and left the groceries and then went out again.  This time i caught a cab which took me down to Miraflores.  i wanted to just wander around the shops, not looking for anything in particular other than a bargain perhaps.  And i found two!  First, i found a pair of gorgeous sandals in  beautiful dark pink or cerise colour.  It is rare to find shoes my size here in Peru because most Peruvians are small.  But, there they were!  My size, the last pair and on sale for just 50 Peruvian Soles (about $18).  i simply couldn’t resist.  i know i am supposed to seek Mistresss Ana’s permission before i buy such things but they might have gone by the time i returned with permission and so i tried them, found they fit and bought them.  You can see them below as well as how well the match the dress i wore today.

The real look of today showing the new shoes

Gorgeous colour plus 4″ heels, ankle strap and no platform

Gorgeous colour plus 4″ heels, ankle strap and no platform

Gorgeous colour plus 4″ heels, ankle strap and no platform

red with black polka dot satin baby doll pyjamas

snake skin pattern satin baby doll pyjamas

But then there was a second bargain!  i wandered into the lingerie department of Falabella (a big department store) and found that they had two-piece satin baby-doll pyjama sets selling for just 30 soles ($10) so i bought two sets, one in red with black dots and the other a sort of snake-skin pattern with white lace trim as you can see.

Satisfied at this, i returned to the office/apartment, eager to try on the pyjamas and shoes.  All fit beautifully and i am so in love with the shoes, i still have them on now as i write, close to the end of the day.  Yes, it is late now, and my business partner has not yet returned but will do soon so i had best either look as if i am already in bed and asleep or change back into male mode.  i think i will go for the former and wear one of my new pyjama sets.  Oh what a wonderful all feminine day i have had.

Oh, one last thing, this evening Lady Dynah was online and we chatted for about an hour.  It was good to have a long chat with Her again, especially on video cam.  She has cut Her hair shorter which suits Her and makes Her look younger in my opinion.  We chatted about my business plans and opportunities perhaps for some of Her friends to invest and then moved on to some of the doubts that She has about the D/s lifestyle and reconciling it with Her strong Christian beliefs.  This is not a new discussion between us and i maintain that as long as both Domme and sub are consenting then each is doing the other a service and so it cannot be a sin.  But is it fornication?  While fornication is considered a sin, then any sexual activity, even within marriage, that is not aimed at procreation would also be a sin and we accept contraception so why should a strong D/s relationship be any different?  Both the Domme and the sub have a need and each satisfies that need in the other so it is a sort of symbiosis, a mutual benefit that does no one any harm and does the individuals a lot of good in satisfying innate physical and emotional needs.  As ever, we parted with Lady Dynah in agreement but then it is Sunday tomorrow and that might just see those doubts return.

No contact today with Goddess Joyce.  i had expected to get a phone call with instructions to go to the farmers market for Her but nothing.  i tried phoning Her but got no response so maybe baby Vincent is arriving or has arrived.  i will call again tomorrow.

Wednesday October 28th 2009 – A chill in the air!

As i suspected, relations between my wife and i have cooled several degrees.  i have tried to act as if nothing is wrong, have tried to do even more things for Her today than usual but have hardly got more than a yes or no out of Her all day and certainly not a thank you for those things i have managed to do for Her.  It will stay like this for a day or two more yet but hopefully things will improve by the weekend.  We shall see.  Certainly i will continue to do whatever i can to improve things but there is no point in apologising and all i can do is try to make Her happy in whatever other ways might present themselves.

Today has also been full-on at work.  i was at work early wearing purple bra and lace panties under my male clothes and today, black, strappy 3″ stiletto heeled sandals.  Although busy, i did get to chat with Lady Dynah this morning.  Briefly, but enough to find out how She is and re-establish contact.  She has moved into a house now, still sharing with friends but seems a lot more settled now than She has been.  It was good to touch base with Her again and hopefully we can rebuild the close friendship we had.

This evening, i was able to chat with Mistress Ana.  i had had an email this morning saying i did not need to go to Her house on Friday and that Tuesday would do.  i am comfortable with this although i do so like going to Her house and doing chores for Her, it gives me a sense of purpose and is almost like an act of worship or adoration.  Mistress has become very special to me and i do love to do even the slightest thing for Her.  In any event, i can use the day at work on Friday to try and get further on top of my heavy workload and at least i will be at home all day on my own and so can be “en femme” for at least 8 hours!

i will go next to visit Her on Tuesday, the day after She returns from Thailand.  i will take Her the flowers then and no doubt She will have a number of chores for me to do, all of which i look forward to as much as i look forward to being with Her again.  Mistress asked me what i might like Her to bring back for me from Thailand and i really had not given the idea any thought.  i am very lucky indeed to belong to one so caring.  Mistress asked about my shoe size, Australian and/or USA 10 (wide) or 11, UK 8, but i doubt that they are likely to have shoes in that size there, the local people are generally much smaller than the average Australian.  In any event, much as i adore sexy high heeled shoes, and Mistress is well aware of that, i do not expect Mistress to bring me back any gift and shoes would be something i would of course treasure but would feel that i should contribute to the cost, either in cash or kind, kind over and above the call of duty (if a slave can ever go beyond the call of duty).  In the end, i told Mistress that i would appreciate anything small and feminine and left it to Her to decide.  Mistress has already been so generous with Her gifts that i really don’t like to ask for anything.

Ideally, i suppose, i would love to have something intimate that i could wear all the time and that would signify and confirm Her ownership of me.  The trouble with that idea though is that it would have to be something either sufficiently discrete that my wife would not notice it or something so ambiguous and subtle that my wife would not suspect anything significant in the wearing of it.  Neither alternative is really practicable.  i already wear the CB-2000 chastity device which is in itself a symbol of Her ownership and control, and am so far managing to keep its presence a secret from my wife.  i have an excuse in mind for the day that she discovers it mind You.  However, the cock cage is not something that is a public demonstration of my status for it is not visible or known to anyone but ourselves.  In fact, discretion really demands that there is nothing really that i could wear that would outwardly demonstrate my slave status to those in the know about the D/s lifestyle while at the same time not representing anything controversial to vanilla eyes.

Whatever gift Mistress might bestow on me, it will be greatly appreciated and i shall sleep on the idea overnight.  Who knows what brainstorm i might get by morning.

Wednesday August 26th 2009 – My femininity and gender dysphoria

i received an email today from Mistress Ana, a lovely surprise.  Mistress thanked me for the good work i have been doing at Her house while She is away but in reality, i think it is i who should be thanking Her.  i consider myself so fortunate to be in a position where i can go once a week, dress completely “en femme” and so change into my female persona and then having something characteristically female to do.  i have an inherent need to satisfy both my feminine and my subservient natures and doing household chores, being menial, manual tasks, could not be better for meeting those needs, especially when i can be dressed as a maid.  Although it is undoubtedly more satisfying for me to do this while Mistress is present, it is still something i look forward to every week even while She is away for i am still serving Her and i need to feel that i am being of use to someone in whatever capacity.  This is my submissive and subservient need being satisfied.

Something that i notice in myself is, i am sure, a very feminine trait.  Whenever i go there and find, first of all, Her son’s laundry and then the dishes that he has left in the kitchen, i feel no resentment that he has not bothered to even do the dishes or wipe down the kitchen counter but rather i feel a sense of being needed and an almost motherly feeling towards him, if that makes sense.  He is not my son but yet i feel that boys are not known to be good domestically and need someone to take care of such things as laundry, cooking and cleaning and, even though i am physically a male, i have this innate sense of my own femininity and need to care.  This goes back a long time.  When first married and wanting to start a family, it was me that wanted children much more than did my wife!

Though i grew up as a boy, i did not inherit typical boyhood traits.  In my early years, pre-school, although i played with both boys and girls, my best friends were girls.  i did not in those days play girlish games but enjoyed the company of girls as much and if not more than that of boys.  i had no inhibitions about learning to sew or knit and learned to cook so i could look after my younger sister during school holidays when my mother was out at work.  It was not until i was 10 years old that i ever dressed as a girl but when that happened for the first time, it was like something had suddenly been removed from in front of my eyes and i could suddenly see who i was.  The details of that day of revelation can wait for another time but afterward, i knew that i was as much a girl as i was a boy and in my naivety, i could not understand or appreciate that my dressing as a girl would not be accepted by society.  It needed my sister to point that out to me.  And so began my life as a sissy, a secret sissy, frightened to “come out” for what people might think.  Also, thinking i must be sick or perverted, certainly sure that there must be something wrong with me and so i strove hard to be the best male i could be in the forlorn hope that by being more macho i could not only suppress but eliminate this girl germ that was in me.

That you are reading this shows that it didn’t work.  However, this entry does not go into the many years of mental torture that i suffered in trying to deny this femininity or surpress it.  i felt guilt at times for being a secret sissy, frustration and anger at being unable to be myself and, being brought up in a very conservative rural community, and without the benefit we enjoy today of the internet and the wealth of information it provides, it was many years before i learned that i was not alone and that there were many others like me with what is termed “gender dysphoria.” By the time i learned about this, i had already married and had children.  Had i learned of it earlier in life, or been born 20 years later, i may well have had a sex change or gender reassignment as they term it today.  But, with family as well as myself to consider, it has not happened and i remain for the most part a secret sissy, extremely grateful for the understanding of Mistress Ana, Goddess Joyce, Lady Dynah and the other Mistresses that i have served in the past who accepted me for what and who i am and have helped me satisfy my need to be feminine at least part of the time.

Monday July 27th 2009 – That time of the month

It felt good to get back into lace underwear today after a weekend of all male attire.  i chose pink, of course.  No chance today of going totally “en femme” – too much work happening but at least i was able to wear a nice pair of pink “kitten” heels while working at my desk.

i noticed today that Lady Dynah is having Her period and so, even though things are still not good between us, dutifully put on a tight corset and the “o” rings on my nipples to simulate the bloated effect and nipple tenderness that comes with menstruation.  With the cock cage chastity device in place, wearing a sanitary napkin soaked with a ketchup and cranberry juice mixture to simulate the blood is more messy than usual and the way my balls are squashed flat and protrude at times from the panties makes it difficult to keep the mess on the napkin but i worked out how to position the mess so it is slightly behind my balls – still wet and uncomfortable but less risk of the mess escaping.  The idea is of course to be constantly reminded of Lady Dynah, Her current state and of course my status as an extension of Her will.  It does work.  She and Mistress Ana are both constantly in my mind and with both menstruation and lactation high on the agenda this week, i am feeling so incredibly feminine.

Thursday July 23rd 2009 – Hair today, gone tomorrow!

Mistress Ana had asked me to visit Her today for two main reasons, the first being for me to do her hair and the second to give me a key to Her house so that i can continue to do my chores and keep Her place clean and tidy while She is away.  She leaves tonight for a 5 week vacation in Europe and so it will be some time before i get to serve Her in person once more.  However, i will still be serving Her while She is away for She has left me with a number of tasks to do before She returns as well as the duty of keeping Her house clean.

i arrived just after 12.00 noon, a little later than i had hoped but i had had to deal with tradesmen visiting my house to quote for some repair work after the storm damage of a couple of weeks back and this delayed my departure.  Mistress was in the throes of packing, there were cases and bags everywhere and She had an enormous amount of stuff, mostly gifts for Her people in Thailand and things She was taking to Europe for Her aunt.  So much chocolate!  Apparently chocolate is expensive and poor quality in Thailand and Mistress likes to give Her people there a treat.

My first job today was to dye Mistress’ hair.  i have never done this for anyone before and so it was a real learning curve for me, especially as Mistress has preserved a grey streak in Her hair for personal reasons which i am honoured to have been told but will not divulge here.  So, Mistress showed me how She avoids getting the hair colouring on the streak and showed me how to mix the colour and work it first into the roots and then all over.  Once that was done, i helped Her with Her packing, estimating weights of suitcases and other bags and closing and sealing them as well.

Once the colour in Her hair had set, She showered and had me bathe Her using exfoliating scrub and gloves.  i did my best but apparently i have much to learn in this area also.  i did not like to presume as where i should rub and scrub and left Her altar untouched.   i will be punished for this and for other misdemeanours on Mistress’ return.  After helping to towel Her dry, Mistress declared that the hair colouring had been successful and i felt glad that i had at least done a passable job there.

We ate lunch together, which Mistress had prepared and then it was time for me to leave.  As i dressed, Mistress again took a good look at and fondled my breasts and nipples.  She is certain that they will be lactating soon.  i told Her that i was now taking the fenugreek and She has suggested that i get a prescription for more Domperidone.  Mistress then had me kneel before Her and briefly worship Her body, not for long but, in Her words, “long enough for me to get a taste of what i will be missing” and i will miss Her, a lot.  However, just by going regularly to Her house and doing my chores, i will feel close to Her and She will continue to control much of my life even while She is away so although i will miss Her, i will still be in Her service and under Her control.

Mistress also had to go out so we left together and went first to the local shopping mall where i had a house key cut.  Mistress gave me instructions on how to work the burglar alarm and then sent me back to the house to test the key while She continued on with Her own affairs.  i was to phone Her and confirm that all was well, that i could get into the house and disarm and set the alarm.  All of this i did.  Mistress has also left me with two pairs of Her shoes that i must take and get caps put on the heels.  i should be able to do this myself if i can find the caps of the right size and shape.

Sadly, the breast pump did not arrive but i do now have a key and an authorisation to collect it once it does so at least i should have it by Tuesday when i go to clean.  Also, i got a late email from Mistress this evening telling me that She got some Domperidone for me so all is set for a combined herbal, medical and physio assault on my breasts to get them lactating once the pump arrives.  Mistress was also kind enough to advise me to wear shields once i do stats to lactate so that my wife will not notice.  i had been thinking a little about that issue and am glad to have been given some further advice.

So, i have had an interesting day if only briefly with Mistress Ana.  Our conversation ranged widely as ever but when discussing D/s issues, She continues to make it clear to me about Her concerns over Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and why She will keep me in chastity and will not be comfortable sharing me.  She is absolutely right on the issue of STIs and i am more than content to go along with Her rules.  i am just as concerned about my own health as well as that of Mistress and cannot afford to run any risk at all of getting any infection or disease of that type.  This also has a great bearing on how things proceed with Lady Dynah.  i am happy to say that although She is still clearly angry at me, She is at least communicating and while our D/s relationship may come to an end, She has at least indicated that our friendship will not.  i shall write to Her again soon but do not want to rush things or bother Her too much until i sense that things are improving.

And so, as far as Mistress Ana is concerned, it was Her hair today and She will be gone tomorrow but through the CB-2000 chastity device and my list of chores and the lactation regime She has put me under, She will be with me constantly in mind if not in body.

Wednesday July 22nd 2009

Still horny and still with nipples that tingle and breasts that feel internal pressure or heavy, as Mistress Ana described the feeling, but as yet no milk.  A very busy day workwise but it did not stop me from slipping into red lacy boyleg panties and a matching bra or from slipping into the nearest health food store to buy some Fenugreek tea.  i also bought some fenugreek capsules on the advice of the guy in the store who told me the tea was awful.  Well, we shall see about that.  The guy in the store asked me what i wanted it for and i told him that it was for my daughter in law who was breastfeeding.  I left the store wondering what he would have thought had i said they were for me?  i began taking the capsules.  The tea needs to be infused in cold water, brought to the boil and then simmered for 10-15 minutes before being strained – a lot of messing about in the office where i can be seen and would have demanded some explanations so i will need to wait until the quiet of the evening – possibly a bedtime drink?

i also exchanged emails today with Lady Dynah.  She is being really bitchy about my relationship with Mistress Ana but then, as a Domme, She is entitled to be bitchy if She desires.  The good news though is that although i am certainly still on the outer and have much to do to appease Her, She has indicated that She will not abandon our vanilla friendship.  There is hope yet.  i really do not like to fall out with friends or be on the wrong side of people.  i try to please all of the people all of the time, even though i know it is impossible.  i find it very hard to ever say no to someone, especially someone i have got to know well.

Tuesday July 21st 2009 – Serving Mistress Ana, pain and pleasure

Oooohhhhhh, i felt so horny this morning!  i woke up to tingling tits and a strong desire to fondle them and also to try and relieve my need for an orgasm.  However, fortunately (or sadly) i had an early morning conference call with a potential client from the USA and so was quickly out of bed and over to the office.

The good news today was that school holidays are over and my wife was back to work and the even better news was that i was going to see Mistress Ana.  i have a feeling that this was as much the cause of my state of arousal as anything and so as soon as i had finished on the phone, i slipped into  matching red and black lace bra and panties, whore’s underwear for a slut.  i certainly felt slutty today and could not get over to Mistress Ana’s house fast enough and was cursing the increased traffic on the roads all the way there.

i wrote about whipping, pain, punishment and pleasure a few days ago and this morning my words were put to the test.  After i knelt and recited my Oath, Mistress reminded me that i had not yet been punished for various misdemeanours and that She had so far been very lenient with me.  i was of course aware of this and appreciated it so it was no surprise when i was ordered to strip and then climb onto Her bed and remain on all fours.  Mistress attached a leg spreader to my ankles and then fastened my wrists to the spreader also such that i was forced head down onto the bed and my ass fully exposed.  Mistress gave my ass a sound beating with both a riding crop and a paddle and also whipped my cock and balls.  Yes, it hurt and yes, i will carry the reminder for my transgressions for a few days but it was both necessary and welcome for it served to remind me of my status and position in Her life and Mistress’ Ownership and control of me.

While so exposed to Her, Mistress removed the chastity device and inspected my cock and balls.  It felt wonderful to have Her hands gripping my genitals – or should i say Her genitals – and i mentally begged Her to continue for i so wanted to cum.  However, it was not to be.  Mistress returned Her attention to my ass and after inserting a butt plug before administering more paddling and strokes of the crop to my already tender ass, She removed it and then raped my ass with my own strap-on.  i was guilty here of another transgression.  i had not given myself an enema.  i know i should have done this and regret that i forgot to do so.  i will not forget in future.  It did not stop Mistress raping me though and i confess to moving in time with Her thrusts and to enjoying being penetrated by Her.  Mistress though was not so satisfied with the size of strap-on that i had brought and advised that She likes big black ones to use on Her subs and so i have made a mental note to get one before i serve Her again.

Mistress finally finished and i was left to replace the CB-2000 chastity device and then clean the toys, still feeling horny, in fact more horny than ever and now with no hope of release for some considerable time for Mistress will be going away on vacation for 6 weeks or so on Friday.  Mistress then called me to get on my knees before Her and worship Her which i did with alacrity.  Ooohhhh, this was heaven and worth all of the pain i had experienced earlier this morning.  i suckled Her magnificent breasts and then lapped at Her altar and suckled on Her clitoris, felt my head being crushed between Her legs as She drew my and my tongue deeper into Her.  i wanted to remain there for ever but it was not to be.  Once satisfied, Mistress had me get dressed, fully “en femme” in my maid’s uniform, black stockings with the lace and cute bows at the top, black patent stiletto heeled pumps with an ankle strap, red wig and my red and black lace whore’s panties but no bra for Mistress loves to play with my nipples.

For the rest of the morning, i busied myself with ironing Mistress’ clothes, making the occasional coffee for Her and also being interviewed about who i really was.  Mistress wants me to continue with cleaning Her house and doing Her garden while She is away on vacation and, although Her son is comfortable with the idea of my doing so, quite rightly advised Her that She needed to know more about me.  i felt quite comfortable in telling Her as much as She wished to know and gave Her my business card and showed Her my driving license which She copied into a document that authorised me to collect a package from the Post Office.  That package will be the breast pump which W/we checked out together on the internet and successfully bought at a discounted price on E-bay.  Mistress has been very open with me and also today showed me many pictures of Her and Her family.  She has confided a lot in me about Her background and Her family etc. and i feel very honoured and shall of course fully respect and guard those confidences.

The breast pump i have bought

With the ironing complete, Mistress decided it was time for me to take Her to lunch and had me change back into my male outer clothes.  While i undressed though, Mistress once again began to fondle and suckle at my breasts, squeezing them and sucking hard on my nipples.  She is as excited about my potential lactation as i am and She noticed that my breasts were fuller.  Mistress thinks that i will soon be lactating and the pump will of course bring it on sooner rather than later.  i was back in heaven as She worked my breasts and nipples and so wanted to hold Her tightly and reciprocate but that is not for me, a slave, to do without being ordered to do so and so i just stood there feeling highly emotional and aroused as Mistress continued to fondle with and suckle at my breasts.  She has advised me to get some fenugreek herb and to drink it as a tea which i will and also mentioned a product called Milkmaid Tea from the USA that is produced to assist lactation but Mistress Ana was unsure if this can be imported into Australia and, having now checked it out, it is not.  So, it will be fenugreek tea now that the Domperidone tablets have run out.

We did finally get to go out for lunch only to find that the restaurant we had chosen had closed early due to lack of customers!  After an argument with a young manager at reception about trade practices and false advertising, we left and went to the pub next door where we had a sandwich and continued to chat about various aspects of our relationship and about the Lady Dynah request to transfer me.  We both decided that it would be a waste of time and so i will write again to Lady Dynah and pass that on.

Mistress Ana leaves on Friday but wants to have Her hair done on Thursday and i will go and do Her hair for Her.  This will be a new experience for me and i look forward to it eagerly.  At the same time, Mistress will give me a key to Her house so that i can continue to serve Her even while She is away.  i feel extremely honoured and also very, very lucky to have come into contact with Her and to be taken into Her confidence and to have become one of Her slaves.  Mistress has mentioned a number of plans She has for using me when She has friends around, not just on my own but also with Her other slave and i cannot deny that this excites me very much and i am looking forward to and hoping for a long and lasting relationship with this wonderful Lady and my new Owner.

Monday July 20th 2009

Back in the pink today, matching pink lace bra, thong and panties with a pair of maroon panty-hose under my male clothes.  For the time being, there is only me in the office.  The rest of my staff are away on vacation or field work.  Normally this would be a great opportunity for me to dress “en femme” all day but, with the school holidays still on, today there was no opportunity with wife still around.

Nevertheless, i did manage to get into the city today over lunch on an excuse of a business lunch and did my shopping.  First, i found the Ella Bache items that Mistress Ana required.  This meant describing the products to the assistant and although i was sure i had asked for the right things, there was some confusion because there was a choice for both the eye cream and the moisturiser.  The assistant insisted that i phone Mistress and find out because the items are expensive and so reluctantly i did call Her and it was sorted out.  i then looked for the kohl – charcoal grey but neither of the two main department stores that i checked had that shade.  i was successful though in getting the replacement blades for my “No-No” and so should be able to get the unsightly hair removed from my arms, legs and breasts this week.

Talking of breasts, i am noticing now that the tingling sensation i had been experiencing has been replaced by a sort of full feeling that is hard to describe.  It is like a sort of pressure from within.  i am experiencing this especially right now, late in the day, as i sit and type this blog.  i am sure it is an effect of the Domperidone and that it is working and i cannot wait to get the breast pump.  i exchanged a few emails with Mistress Ana today on that issue and i think She has found a suitable pump.

i also received an email today from Lady Dynah who is now considering disowning me within Mystress World and has asked if i would like to be transferred to Mistress Ana’s stable.  i replied that i doubted that either Mistress Ana or i would remain in Mystress World much longer and so there was really little point in making the transfer but that the decision was Hers as to whether She wanted to keep me within Her stable.  i told Her that i understood why She might want to disown me and that if She were to do so, i would just drop out of Mystress World because i was disenchanted with the lessons that have become repetitive and i did not have the energy to repeat them with another Domme.  i did however also tell Her that i did not want to be disowned and that i considered Her as more than a Domme to me and felt a strong friendship that i hoped would continue irrespective of what She might choose to do with me with respect to Her stable of slaves.

Thursday July 16th 2009 – Some thoughts on whipping

This gurl felt very horny on waking today but was good for a change and did not play with her nipples or try to hump anything but got quickly out of bed and on with the day, trying to take her mind of her chastised status and the tingling in her nipples.  Yes, it is still there whether or not i am imagining it and it and the thought of what might be happening inside my breasts is really playing with my emotions.  i am feeling very much emotionally aroused as well as physically and it is becoming a distraction.  i want so much to play with my nipples, to try and encourage the lactation but know only too well that if i do, i am disobeying Mistress Ana and also compounding my physical and emotional arousal such that it becomes a vicious circle.  The more i play with them, the more aroused i become and the more i want to play with them.  So, i am resisting but my tingling tits are now making it harder than ever.

Once at work, i slipped into a bottle green lace bra and matching panties and, with my knee highs also under my male clothes, wore a pair of pale green pumps with a cute bow on the rounded toe.  Yes, i was feeling green today, not environmentally green nor green with envy but green for go!  i had so much to do at work that i just wanted to go at it like a bull at a gate as they say.  And i did and managed to advance a lot of things in spite of frustrations with people who shift the goalposts when you are half way through a job or tell you things are ready to collect or download and they are not!  Sometimes i could scream but i won’t bore you any further with my work frustrations, suffice to say that i managed to get past them and still had a productive day.

Today is the start of a new lesson cycle in Mystress World and i had to send in my recruitment plan in order to get the access key for my lesson – “Whippings and Erections.”  i submitted my plan but have yet to receive the key.  These lessons challenge the submissive male to get in touch with how he feels about issues within the D/s world as perceived in Mystress World.  i have touched on the issue of whippings many times in previous Mystress World lessons and while the Mystress World adage is that the “cock doesn’t lie,” since having had my prostate removed due to cancer, my cock no longer becomes fully erect or hard so in my case it doesn’t exactly tell the truth either.  In any event, i have made it plain in my earlier responses to Lady Dynah that i am not a pain slut and thought that today i might share my thoughts on one of the lessons to do with whipping.

i am not a masochist and truly do not like to be spanked, caned or whipped.  In fact i do not like to be punished in any way shape or form but i accept that it is something that i must expect and accept as part of my role in life and the assertion of my position.  i cannot understand anyone who would profess to enjoy being beaten in any way but that is because i am not a pain slut.  For me, pain and punishment are the prices i must pay in order to be trained to become what i desire most, the best slave i can ever be.

i fully understand the need for slaves and for myself to have to be punished, disciplined and therefore spanked, caned or whipped for it asserts the authority of the Owner on the slave and certainly in my case would act as a deterrent and motivation, both at the same time.  Motivation to always give of my best so as to avoid the pain and a deterrent to behaving in any way other than most respectfully and devotedly to my Owner.

i certainly fear being beaten. Though i think i have a reasonable pain threshold, i do not like it and am certainly not looking to see how much more i can extend that threshold. However, a sense of obstinate pride might make me hold back the tears longer than is good for me but tears and begging for mercy would no doubt come in due course.  i know that i will need to be broken – it is a process rather like the breaking in of a wild stallion, it asserts ownership and dominance.  i accept it as a necessity, i want it to happen because that is where i want to be but in no way could i ever claim to be looking forward to the physical pain it will bring, rather i look forward to the aftermath, to the emotional bonding that it will bring for i firmly believe that i need to get to that point, to be broken to the point of complete and total acceptance of my status as a slave and of being owned and to experience that total emotional release and freedom that comes with such a bonding.  It is all very well for me to write and say that i understand but until the time comes when i experience that total and complete surrender and acceptance of power, bonding through my tears in my Dommes arms and feeling Her soothing caresses, i remain acutely aware of a void in my life that needs to be filled.

Finally, the thought of being a whipping boy to be used when Mistress simply feels the need to obtain that hormone rush does not fill me with eager anticipation for i know i would not enjoy the pain.  However, there remains that great paradox in that my pleasure is vested totally in the pleasure of my Owner and so should i ever be used in such a way, as painful as the experience might be and as little as i would enjoy the whipping, i would hold on to the one core value that i hold dear which is that in my suffering, i am making Mistress happy and so, when it all comes to an end, i would bear the suffering happily.  In fact, the more i think about it, to be a whipping boy is indeed an honour for to suffer gladly for ones Owner is indeed a precious gift to Her whereas to be whipped for a misdemeanour is punishment and implies a failing or bad behaviour on the part of the slave.  So, to be a whipping boy purely for Mistress’ pleasure would indeed be an honour.

And so, in summary, i will find pleasure in a whipping through the pleasure it brings to my Owner and i pray that when that time comes, the whipping will not be for a misdemeanour but the true honour of being whipped just because She wants to whip me and because She wants to break me and make me truly Hers.

Since i wrote that, i have been spanked severely by Goddess Joyce and whipped by Lady Dynah on more than one occasion.  Each time, i came close to tears.  However, those tears were as much emotional as they were for the pain.  Yes, it hurt and yes, i carried a sore reminder the experience of of my position with respect to both Dommes for a few days afterwards.  But there is a bonding and after each one, i felt closer to Goddess Joyce and Lady Dynah respectively.  Mistress Ana has yet to administer punishment or a beating of any kind and paradoxically, while i do not look forward to it, i do so want it to happen, not for the pain but for the emotional bonding and confirmation of my status as Her slave and possession.