Saturday December 5th 2009 – the fire burning within

A luscious lazy start to the weekend, lingering in bed in my satin PJ’s contemplating my situation and thinking of Mistress Ana and Her control of me and my sexual function.  This of course added to my state of arousal and frustration but yet i am not about to break the seal on the CB-2000 nor resort to trying to find a way to reach an orgasm with the chastity device in place.  However, as i lay in bed, half dozing, i set to thinking about the significance of having surrendered control of my sexual function to another person, specifically to Mistress Ana.  If i was not locked into a chastity device it would be easy to masturbate and obtain relief but would it bring any satisfaction?  i began to reflect along the theme that masturbation is a weak attempt at self satisfaction and shows a lack of self control.  Having said that, i know myself well enough to know that without the cock cage in place, i would not have the will power or self control to stop myself from regular masturbation.  i have also experienced that deep and profound orgasm that comes from being manipulated by another, an orgasm that far supercedes the climax brought on by masturbation.  It is that very loss of control and being manipulated by another that renders the climax so much more powerful and so with that thought in my mind, i began to feel secure and safe in CB-2000 and happy to have surrendered myself and my sexual function to Mistress Ana.

i eventually got out of bed and dressed fully “en femme” straight away for my business associate had left early for a family function.  So it was with some joy that i got out of bed and put on a pink lace bra and matching pink mesh and lace panties, a short brown pleated mini-skirt, a pink cross-over top, my long red wig, and the low heeled pink and grey sling back shoes given to me by Mistress Ana.  Next, i took myself to the laundry and hand washed all my dirty underwear, all two weeks of it.  i had not had chance to do so last weekend because i was out in the mountains so today’s washing was a bigger job than usual.  Nevertheless, i quite enjoyed doing my feminine chores, hanging them out to dry on the line in full view of neighbours, not caring if i was seen, indeed half hoping i would be.

Once the washing was out on the line, i went to my desk and caught up with some correspondence and some accounts while listening to music.  i can’t describe how good it felt to be able to be true to my inner feminine self, moving around the apartment “en femme” with total freedom and then in the early afternoon, slipping out to the supermarket, not really to buy anything in particular but just to get outside and stretch my legs.  The cool breeze felt delicious on my bare legs and i couldn’t resist taking my time and walking around another block to call at a chemist to buy some more Domperidone.  i am gradually building up a large supply of the drug so that when the time is right, i can make a prolonged and concerted effort at initiating lactation in my breasts.  i walked around for about an hour and then returned to the apartment and made myself a meal.  i had washed the dishes and then brought in my underwear from the washing line and had begun to change back into male outer clothes to go and visit vanilla friends who had invited me for dinner when my associate returned from his family event.  i was really only just in time, having got my panties and bras off the line only 15 minutes or so before he returned!

The evening was very enjoyable, purely vanilla but good conversation, company and food and it was midnight before i returned to my shared apartment and slipped back into my satin PJ’s and drifted off to sleep contemplating once again my good fortune firstly in having been able to go out “en femme” today and secondly at belonging to Mistress Ana, wondering and fantasising on being with Her “en femme” 24/7, adding more fuel to the emotional and physical arousal burning within me!

Tuesday November 10th 2009 – stiff, sore and disappointed

Well, today was a difficult day, not least because i woke up stiff and sore from my sporting exertions of yesterday.  i really do need to improve my fitness and lose some weight!  The other bad thing about today was not being able to visit and serve Mistress Ana.  i was so looking forward to it that because it had been postponed until Friday i really did not feel like getting out of bed this morning.  i did though and slipped into a white lace bra and pink spotted panties with cute bows.  A splash of perfume and i began to feel better but somehow going to work was less than appealing.  Nevertheless, to work i went and decided to knuckle down and get on with it so as to hopefully free up more time later in the week when perhaps i might persuade Mistress to visit me here on Thursday, a day when i was expecting to be alone in the office and “en femme” all day.  However, even those thoughts went awry when during the morning i got a phone call from a plumber who chose Thursday to come and fix a pipe that has needed replacing for ages.  Even though he says he will be here first thing in the morning, tradesmen have a habit of showing up late and taking longer to do jobs than they first estimate so it has probably killed off any possibility of Mistress Ana visiting me.

i would love to have Mistress Ana visit me in my office so She can see my environment and my full wardrobe of shoes, ladies clothing, wigs and toys but i have no idea whether She would also think it a good idea.  i firmly believe it would give Her even more insight into my mind and with that even greater influence and control on me which is something i would really love but as in all matters, this is for Mistress to decide what is best so, having written to Her and made the invitation, if not for this Thursday for some other time, this sissy slut and slave can only wait and hope.

So little else to report today although i did chat briefly with Goddess Joyce who is now really ready to give birth to little Vincent.  He is due next week, more or less the time i shall arrive in Peru so i may well be there for the birth.  All very exciting!  Such a pity i was not able to get the lactation going but i might give it another try while in Peru, especially if Goddess Joyce would allow me to wet nurse Her baby.  Wouldn’t that be something for a sissy?  Right now, i cannot think of anything more fulfilling for a would be female like myself.

Wednesday September 2nd – Sunday September 20th 2009 – My South American Trip

i arrived in Buenos Aires and met up with my Argentinian colleague who was to accompany me to the exploration project in Brazil.  That same evening, we flew to Sao Paulo and spent the night at a hotel close to the International Airport.  We agreed that we would head across the road to a bar for a night cap.  On our arrival there i was dismayed to find that this was a girly bar where as we drank our beer, we were constantly being approached by scanitly clad ladies aged anywhere between 16 and 30 who wanted to join us and for us to buy them drinks and who knows where it might lead to.  This sort of bar has never been my kind of place and not just because of the rip-off prices that blokes get stung for drinks.  For me, i find myself empathising with the girls there.  Their job is to look attractive and to entertain and arouse guys in order to get them to buy drinks not just for themselves but also for the girls before taking the girls to a back room for sex which they also pay for.  Most of the girls are bright and chatty, good looking and know how to get men going.  They must have been disappointed in me because i showed little interest in them as far as drinks or sex goes but more interest in the sort of deals they were getting from the management.  They were reluctant to say too much.  As far as my male colleague was concerned, i had a good excuse – since my prostate removal, i cannot sustain an erection and so i was able to let him know that it was all somewhat wasted on me.  He was sympathetic.  The same excuse worked to keep the girls at bay but little did they know that deep inside, i admired them and secretly wished i was one of them.  Am i homosexual?  No, i am primarily submissive and a female crying to get out of a male shell and their role in life is one i would accept not because i want to be a sex object to men but because i see there role as satisfying both of my innermost needs, to be female and submissive.

i left the bar after just a couple of drinks, leaving my colleague to the charms of a beautiful, tall and elegant looking girl with whom he spent the night. At what financial cost, i have no idea but do know that there was a psychological cost in the aftermath as he became concerned that he might have got more than he had bargained for by way of STDs.

The next day, we traveled to the edge of the Amazon rain forest and to the small rural town that was to be our base for the week we would spend evaluating the exploration project.  For a small town with a population of around 50,000 people, it was surprisingly well served by retail outlets, restaurants and agricultural service companies and equipment suppliers.  Our project site was about an hours drive from the town and only partially cleared of rain forest.  The climate was hot and humid and we worked all week battling flies and worst of all ticks.  Every night we spent standing before a mirror checking our bodies for the little parasites and removing them.  We drank a lot of beer, not only for refreshment but also to put back electrolytes.  We also ate a lot of meat.  Brazilian beef is excellent and they know very well how to barbeque it.

i found the society interesting though.  On the surface, it appears very macho with the men proud of their big wagons, their knives and guns, their hunting expeditions and so on but when it all gets distilled down to who actually wears the pants, it is the women.  We had our lunches at the house of a farming family located close to our project and although the men of the family looked and were tough in terms of physique and the nature of their work, once indoors, the women were in charge, organising the men to not only do some of the cooking but also the clearing away afterward while they sat outside in the shade of the verandah.  Similarly, in restaurants in the evening, i watched as couples arrived to eat and it was ever the woman who determined where they would sit, would wait then for her consort to seat her, and would demand his attention for the whole evening.  The body language was clear, She was out for a good time an he was there to ensure that She got everything She required.  The relationship between our prospective business partner and his wife was also clear.  He did the work, She looked after the money!

After my week in Brazil, i went off to Peru where i continued working on projects i am involved in there as well as attending a trade exhibition as an advisor and consultant to a group of Australian enterprises seeking to do business there.  Our exploration projects involved me visiting two remote villages high in the mountains where the society is still patriarchal but is slowly changing.  In the major cities of Peru, women are beginning to take control but it is a slow process and it will be another generation probably before they control the countryside as well.  Nevertheless, even in the remote communities in which we are working, women are having their say on community matters more and more.  In the cities though, the change is quite striking.  The women will not hesitate to publicly humiliate any male companion who does not treat them properly and with sufficient respect, such as opening doors, pulling back their seats, assisting them first into a car and so on.  Furthermore, they dress well and look good, knowing exactly how to emphasise their good points and take attention away from any of their lesser lights.  They also control the purse strings.

It was interesting to see how many of the male delegates at the trade exhibition were accompanied by their wives.  These ladies knew of the dangers of letting their men loose in another city and a trade show environment full of beautiful models and were intent on having a good holiday in their own right.  Not that these men would have fared any better with the models had the had the opportunity to misbehave.  These ladies were well in control of their situation and any suitor would have had to be prepared to meet some very high demands in terms of how they required to be treated.  They were certainly not up for just a short term relationship for the duration of the trade show, for them it was a commitment or they would make life a misery for the suitor, especially if he was already married.  Peruvian ladies are very caring with regard to their men but also very demanding and possessive and they will not let a man go and seem very adept at getting their men so much under their thumb, especially their financial thumb, that they are almost too scared to try to end the relationship.  Again, like in Brazil, they are happy to let the men appear macho to other men but it is a facade, there is no doubt about who controls the relationship in both financial and domestic terms.

Throughout the whole trip, i was unable to express my own feminine side.  Having taken just a small amount of panties and bras with me, and having just a few items of clothing in my apartment in Lima, it was only there on the last couple of days of my trip that i was able to slip into anything feminine and relax.  i managed to visit Goddess Joyce and Her Mother, Senora Sylvia, very briefly on the morning before i left, just enough time to deliver some things i had put together for Her on Her command.  Goddess is now 8 months pregnant with a boy to be called Vincent.  He should just about arrive before i return to Peru in November.  i have often thought about how wonderful it would have been if i had been successful in initiating lactation and was able to breast feed Her baby, be his wet nurse.  Goddess herself has confirmed that She would have wanted me to do so.  For the moment though, i have had to put to one side any further attempts to initiate lactation.  The difficluty of getting Domperidone in Australia is one reason i think why my efforts failed in the first place.  However, while i Peru, i found that i can buy the drug over the counter and much more cheaply that in Australia.  So i am building up a good supply and, once Christmas and another holiday with my wife is finished in January, i will start again and this time will not only have the breast pump and fenugreek but will be able to take the full dosage of domperidone over a protracted length of time.

Monday August 24th 2009 – Chatting with Mistress Ana

For the first time in ages, Mistress Ana was online today and we managed to chat late this evening.  As i expected, She was not best pleased that i had had an orgasm last Friday and has made it plain that i will be punished for it and punished much more severely than last time.  This does not surprise me and i accept whatever punishment She decides is appropriate even though i do not enjoy or seek pain.  It is my lot as a slave to be punished for any misdemeanour and although i did not set out to have an orgasm, i should have more control and should have avoided it.

i told Mistress that i would be going to Her house tomorrow to clean and to do some gardening.  To my surprise, She has told me that once i am there, i am to remove the CB-2000 chastity device and worship fully, as decreed by Mystress World and then tomorrow i am to report on how i felt, in detail.  Also, when i asked whether i was to replace the cock cage afterward, She told me to leave it off for She did not wish to interfere with my forthcoming vacation with my wife.  i truly appreciate this but am now anxious about tomorrow for once the cock cage is removed and i spend 15 minutes worshiping and stroking, i fear that i may become over excited and climax again.  However, i shall do my level best to avoid such an occurrence.

Mistress is now back in Thailand after Her vacation in Europe.  She is expecting to be home on September 2nd – the same day that i will leave for South America so sadly we will not be able to get together until my return and then we will have only a week before i head off again.  i plan to give Her house a really good clean when i go there next week.

At work today, things were back to normal with permanent staff around so no chance for me to dress “en femme” or use the breast pump.  As ever though, i wore bra and panties under my male clothes, purple satin bra with matching thong and lace panties.  i was also able to wear a pair of brown high-heeled ankle boots while at my desk.  i told Mistress that i would not be using the breast pump for a while and that i would try to get a good supply of domperidone while in Peru.  She does so want me to lactate and i share that ambition wholeheartedly.  This lull in my efforts is certainly only temporary.

Saturday August 22nd – Sunday August 23rd 2009 – 4 weeks of breast pumping – still no lactation

The weekend again has come around very quickly and it is now 10 full weeks that i have been in chastity.  After my week of feeling increasingly and incredibly horny, culminating in yesterday’s unexpected climax, today my feelings were more normal.  i dressed on  Saturday morning in the same turquoise lace bra but with clean pale blue lace panties but they remained beneath my male outer clothes all day as i spent the full day with my wife.  Shopping for groceries at first and then busy helping around the house including preparing dinner followed by spending an evening by the fire watching tv.

Sunday followed a similar pattern, first church, then the organic market, a short stop at my daughter’s house to say hello and have a coffee and then home to spend a quiet relaxing day together topped off by a lovely meal which we again shared in preparing.  i did spend a little time over in my office catching up with some work but not much.

I now have to make a decision on the lactation because still nothing is happening and continuing with the breast pump is going to become more difficult.  These last few weeks i have been alone in the office most days and so it has been possible to find time to use the pump without attracting any unwanted attention.  However, my main full time worker returns from vacation this coming week so i will not be able to use the breast pump during office hours unless i go over to the house but my wife is there most days.  Also, i am feeling dejected about my lack of success.  i am taking extra fenugreek but have not been able to secure a regular supply of domperidone which i think has limited my progress towards lactating.  i have certainly felt sensations in my breasts and nipples while i have been taking domperidone but these die off when the tablets run out.  i am hoping that i will be able to get them over the counter while i am in Peru – drugs are less controlled there – in which case i will get myself a big supply, possibly 200 or so as the recommended course for women is 100.

Another factor is my forthcoming overseas travel.  i go to South America for fieldwork early next month and will be unable to use the pump while working out in the open with a couple of other male assistants.  Once i return, i have a week at home before i head off to China for just over 3 weeks vacation with my wife and some close friends so using the pump there will not be possible either.  So, my plan is to give the tits a rest for a while and then, hopefully with a good supply of domperidone, start again in earnest once i get back from China.  i will need to find a plan or means of using the breast pump during the day but i will cross that bridge once i get to it.

Monday August 17th 2009 – Oh so horny!

i don’t know quite why i felt particularly horny today but i did.  All day long!  Even burying myself in work didn’t help.  Thoughts of Mistress Ana, chastity, and lactation were ever in my mind no matter what i tried to busy myself with and the urge to masturbate just would not go away.  Even so, i never once considered removing the seal on the CB-2000 cock cage even though i was constantly aware of its presence.  More so today than for a long time.  Every time i used the breast pump today, i felt even more aroused and wanted to play with my nipples more once the breast pump had been switched off.  i found myself wanting to torture them knowing that it might well bring me to an orgasm even while still wearing the CB-2000 but here again, i managed to beat the temptation.  But it all went to make a very distracted day at work.  i couldn’t really settle into anything properly.

i wore a white satin bra today, white cotton panties with lace front, tan knee-highs and for a while, my standard black high heel pumps while at my desk.  However, my horniness got the better of me and for some considerable time i wore my black ballet boots with the enormous high heel.  These boots force my foot into a position where i have to walk on my toes and they keep the foot so arched whether standing or sitting and so after a while they become a torture to wear irrespective of the length of time i spend on my feet.  These added to my distraction from work but i found that they also managed to take my mind off my urge to masturbate.  Nevertheless, on a couple of occasions, as i sat, breast pump in place and working, feet tightly constrained in the ballet boots, i found myself rocking backwards and forwards and feeling my pathetic little cock rubbing up against the inside of the CB-2000.  It felt so good but i snapped out of it each time for to have carried for long on would undoubtedly brought me to an orgasm.

Somehow i got through the day and, in the evening, after dinner, all such urges abated somewhat.  i still felt aroused but not nearly so much as earlier in the day.  i don’t understand just why i felt to incredibly horny earlier, i just did.

i will be away for the next couple of days, attending meetings in Brisbane so am not sure whether i will be able to make any posts but i will try.  Tomorrow, i should go to Mistress Ana’s house and make sure it is clean and tidy before i leave for Brisbane.  i had planned to do some work in Her garden but the weather looks like being too wet and with limited time, i think i will just do what needs to be done and try to get back there later in the week or spend more time there next week.

Saturday August 15th & Sunday August 16th 2009 – 9 weeks in chastity!

Oooooooohhhhhhhh – i felt so incredibly horny on Saturday morning, my 63 day in chastity and now some 38 days since Mistress Ana granted me that most wonderful orgasm as She toyed and played with my nipples, an orgasm in which i climaxed while still confined in the CB-2000 cock cage.  As i lay in bed this Saturday morning, half asleep, listening to the drumming of the heavy rain on the roof, my mind was back on that wonderful event and i could not escape the overwhelming feeling of both emotional and physical arousal and my fingers went automatically to my nipples and began to work them using the Marmet technique for inducing lactation.  Once my wife woke though, i stopped and got out of bed and went and made us both tea and took Her’s to Her in bed.  i was still feeling incredibly horny but got over it by making myself busy.

For the rest of the weekend, there was little to report other than the usual difficulties in getting away on my own for a while to use the breast pump.  There is always a lot going on at the weekends, both socially as well as things that need to be done around the house and garden or shopping with my wife.  This weekend took in a shopping trip on Saturday followed by a night at the Opera and then an afternoon and evening playing bridge with friends on Sunday.  The opera we saw was “The Pearl Fishers” by Bizet, one of my favourites for it is a romantic opera with a happy ending for a change.  i also love going to the opera to see the way the Ladies dress and inevitably i am jealous of their appearance, so desperately wishing that i too could go to the opera in such fine evening dresses, heels, and jewelery, looking oh so glamorous……………..one day perhaps and YES, IT IS NICE TO DREAM!

Wednesday August 12th and Thursday August 13th 2009

Busy days right now as I try to negotiate deals in both Peru and Brazil that will get me involved in gold exploration and potential mining with a participating share of the profits and also making arrangements for travel next week to Brisbane.  Also, on Wednesday I had to go into the city with my wife to meet with our financial advisor regarding our property and superannuation, a meeting that took the whole afternoon.  Instead of returning home straight away, we collected my eldest son from his work and went back to his house to see our grandson who is now approaching his first birthday and who is just fantastic.  It is so fascinating to see how he grows and develops, every week there is something new that he is able to achieve.

Thursday I discovered that my travel plans for next week are now all awry with my client shifting the days for the seminar I am leading to Wednesday in Brisbane and Thursday in Perth.  So, I had to cancel one lot of flights hotel and book new ones for the revised schedule which, i was fortunate to be able to manage at short notice.  It now means that my cleaning duties at Mistress Ana’s house next Tuesday will be cut short a little as i fly to Brisbane that afternoon.  i will try to get there early or might possibly go again later in the week. In the evening, my daughter and her husband came over for dinner.  They also brought their cat to stay with us for a few days while they are over in Melbourne.  So, no chance to catch up with my journal or to chat.

With so much going on, not only have i not been able to get to my journal these last couple of days, even worse is that i have not had the opportunity to be my feminine self, having been restricted to just wearing panties and bra beneath my male outer clothes and using the breast pump irregularly.  i am concerned about this irregularity over the last couple of days.  It is also irregular at weekends and I feel that without the domperidone, this irregularity can only impede or delay the onset of any lactation even though I have increased the dose of fenugreek. i am hoping that when i go to Peru next month, i will be able to get a good supply of domperidone without the need of a prescription.  Many drugs that are prescription onlyhere are available over the counter in Peru so, fingers crossed.

Monday August 10th 2009

Back to work today and into the routine of feminine underwear beneath male outer clothes.  i chose silver grey satin bra and panties today and wore grey knee high’s and a pair of grey open toed, stiletto sandles with an ankle strap.  There was no one else in the office so i was able to get away with the shoes but my wife was at home in the next building so dressing fully “en femme” was not possible.

i am continuing my regimen of breast pump every 2-3 hours and 3×2 fenugreek and 3×2 domperidone tablets every day but still, sadly, no lactation.  i phoned the doctor for a repeat prescription and he didn’t want to respond to me but told the receptionist that he would not prescribe the domperidone for me again and that i should see a specialist. i have obviously taken him out of his comfort zone and will now have to think of another way of getting a sufficiently long term supply if i am going to make things happen.

No time for chatting today, too much happening on the work front with projects now needing my input in Brazil and Peru and travel plans to be made.  i am now heading to S.America again on September 2nd and returning home on September 20th before heading off to China for a month on September 26th.  The project in Brazil looks exciting with a lot of potential and i am very keen to take a look at it first hand, there is a lot of gold in the region and the signs for our prospect are very good indeed.

This evening, i decided i had better use the “No-No’ and do some hair removal and thus give myself more time in the morning before going to Mistress Ana’s house to do Her cleaning.

Saturday August 8th & Sunday August 9th 2009

As ever at the weekend, little to report other than it is now 8 weeks in chastity – two whole months in the CB-2000 and just one orgasm when Mistress Ana first played with my breasts and nipples.  Yes, i am still feeling extremely horny but not desperate enough to remove the security tag.  The breast pumping is playing havoc with the sensations and feelings in my breasts and nipples, making me all the more aroused when i use it but as yet still no sign of any milk.  For the moment though i am back on the domperidone and so still hopeful of some success eventually in my goal of lactating for Mistress.

As always, the weekend revoloved around odd jobs around the house and garden, socialising with family and friends and little or no time to dress “en femme” or use the breast pump as much as i would like.