Thursday December 10th 2009 – Mistress Ana has plans for me!

A frustrating start to the day!  i dressed quickly in sliver grey satin bra and matching thong, both with cute little bows, then put on my male outer clothes and sat down to go to “My Virtual Model” to choose my “Look” for the day.  Unfortunately, i was unable to access the site but got a message saying a server was down.  Frustrating!  Especially as i had no idea whether it was their server or some other server somewhere between me and them!

i was soon to find out though because Mistress Ana came on line and commented that She could not see “Today’s Look” on my blog either so with Her in Thailand and me in Peru, it would have to be the  “My Virtual Model” server that is down.

It was terrific chatting to Mistress Ana although She left me feeling incredibly horny and also somewhat overwhelmed by the designs and plans She had in mind.  We chatted for well over an hour in which time She told me She might arrange for me to be a $5 slut again!  That was exciting enough but then after discussing the pendant which i now have in its finished form, we went on to chat about some bondage gear that has come up for sale in our home town and which items Mistress would like.  The lady selling the gear now runs a facility for sissies in which they can go and get dressed and relax, go out shopping, get training and so on.  One of Mistress’ ideas is for me to go there and get some education!  Also something that interests and excites me.  However, we then moved on to discussing the various equipment She wants, the suspension apparatus may be too big but the rack Mistress believes She can handle.  She would also like a cage and we talked about where in Her house all of this might go and decided it would fit in a small store room on the side of Her garage that could soon become my cell!

Further toys of Mistress’ pleasure included sounds and electrical zings with remote controls that /she could apply to me in public situations like on an aeroplane!  This is where Mistress most definitely took off and took me with Her.  She had me travelling with Her “en femme” in a mini skirt, no panties but with butt plug and ball ring with weights attached just long enough to show beneath the skirt, the ring also attached to my nipples and me trying to walk so hampered but also with huge high heels!  Like so all the way from Australia to Germany where we go to the Octoberfest and i end up as a serving wench in a bar full of drunken men.  We then go to O.W.K. where i will be Her maid but also have to undergo all sorts of additional training and humiliations.

By now, i was feeling extremely uncomfortable, not from the scenarios Mistress was describing but from the turn on it was giving me!  My cock was as large as it has ever been since i put on the chastity device!  But it did not stop there!  i had sent Mistress an article about a “pussy collar” and so we then went on to discuss how She would have me locked in such a position between Her legs while She slept!  And with vibrating butt plug on variable random speed settings and a tens unit to keep me awake!

By now i was bursting with excitement and a cock that was pressing on the sides of the CB-2000, my mind racing at the enormity of Mistress’ plans and already starting to work on how to bring them to fruition.  i truly adore Her and all of Her schemes and am such a slut that i desperately want to be a part of them!

So, i have tasks to do.  One to continue liaising on the bondage gear Mistress wishes to buy, then to begin work on clearing the store room that will become my cell, also to find a cage, a St.Andrews Cross, a tens unit and a vibrating butt plug – both of these with a remote control, and finally to find a way for us to have the time together for Her to do all the things to me that she is dreaming of at the moment.  All enjoyable chores leading to my own torture and humiliation………………………

After that, one would think there was nothing left much to add about my day but i did get to dress fully “en femme” during the evening.  This felt good as always but in my horny state, was just further torture – sweet torture!

Tuesday December 8th 2009 – memories of a $5 whore

A public holiday today in Peru.  Goodness knows why, it is not normally on their calender but apparently there was no military parade during their annual independence celebrations this year (July 28th) for some reason so they decided to hold it today and give everyone a holiday!  Not for me though.  i need to use every minute of my time here and although i could not meet any clients today it gave me chance to work through some data albeit in a more relaxed mode.

i slept in a bit later having stayed up later last night chatting with my business associate and flat mate on business issues.  It was almost 9.00am when i got out of bed.  i chose not to get out of my satin PJ’s straight away as all was quiet in the apartment so i began working on emails etc, while still wearing them.  In fact my associate did not stir until midday so i was able to lounge in my PJ’s until then when i slipped a T-shirt over the camisole top and a pair of shorts over the PJ shorts.  i was almost sure my flatmate would be going out and was waiting to be able to slip into full “femme” mode as soon as he left.  Alas, it was not to be!

i spent my day working on project data and dealing with emails and proposals, stopping occasionally to check if there was anyone online such as Mistress Ana, Goddess Joyce or Lady Dynah but not one of them appeared while ever i was online.  i tried calling Goddess Joyce again but still no answer so left a message.  i should go and visit Her but need details of the clinic, her room etc.  She might even be home again now for all i know.

i spent a little bit of leisure time adding to my experiences on Experience Project and made a few new friends who share similar interests and experiences.  Today, i shared my first experience dressed as a woman but serving a man.  This was some 22 years ago and it turned out to be only a one off because i got cold feet!  Not that the evening spent with him didn’t work out it was more that his longer term ideas for a relationship did not gel with mine once we chatted the following day.  As you can read below, he treated me like a prostitute which was not what i was looking for longer term.  i wanted to be treated as though i was female and to go out so dressed and socialise, go for dinner, the pictures and so on.  All he wanted was to visit me whenever he felt like, day or night for sex during which i would always be blindfolded and bound.  i think i could have coped with the sexual side of things if he had given me a little more such as having me cook for him, wash and iron his clothes or clean his apartment.  As much as i enjoyed my first experience as a whore, it was not what i wanted at the time and not what i would want now.  Thankfully, in serving Mistress Ana, i do get to do chores and run errands for Her as well as being used sexually as She may desire so i know that i am more than just a sex object.  Anyway, this first encounter of the prostitute kind went something like this…………

i entertained him at my apartment.  He had me unlock the door on receiving his phone call.  This meant he was outside.  i was then to blindfold myself and bend across the kitchen table with my hands placed behind my back.  i heard him enter the apartment and then felt his hands strongly take my wrists and cuff them together.  He then ran his hands up my nylon clad legs, over my suspenders and my panties, fondling my ass before moving up and cupping my breasts.  Oh, i cannot describe that feeling as he groped me, it was wonderful, exciting, arousing all at the same time and my cock immediately betrayed my feelings trying to break free from the black lace panties i was wearing.He had told me to dress like a slut and so i had.  In addition to black 4″ stiletto heels with an ankle strap and cute bow, i wore seamed black stockings, Victorian style corset with suspenders, black balconette bra, very short black mini skirt, flimsy see-through blouse, a long haired blond wig and heavy make up.  As i bent over the table, feeling his hands roam over my body, i began to ache not from discomfort but from a need to cum.  Just being touched by him was an amazing turn on for me.

Eventually, he stood me up and led me, still blindfold, through into my lounge where he pushed me down onto my knees.  i heard the zipper of his fly as i knelt there and i knew what was about to happen.  This would be my first time and i was prepared for it.  i wanted it. i had practiced sucking on dildos and tasted my own cum enough to have an idea of what to do and what to expect but i was not prepared for the size of his cock.  It was long alright but that was the least of my problems, it was also very thick, so thick i struggled to get it into my mouth.  i thought my jaw would dislocate, partly from the angle of my neck as i struggled to cope with his strong vertical erection from my position kneeling in front of it, trying desperately to get a little height so that i could get my mouth downwards over it.

i began licking the head of his cock and then along the shaft as i struggled for a position where i could take all of him but i need not have bothered for his hands soon locked onto either side of my head and began to manipulate me, moving my head and hence my mouth over his engorged member, working it down into my throat so that i could hardly breathe.  Gradually, i became more used to his size and to the frequency of his thrusting and my head being pushed against him so that i found a way of breathing between the thrusts which, after first becoming longer and deeper, began to increase in frequency until my whole head was forced against his abdomen, i could feel his balls against my chin and his cock so far down my throat i thought i would choke.  And he held me like that while his whole body convulsed and shook as he exploded inside my throat, pulling back a little then so that i could taste him as he shed his seed into my mouth.

Tears were running down my cheeks now, smudging my make-up.  They were tears of joy mixed with shame mixed with pain.  Joy at having been used as if i were a woman, shame at feeling like a slut and whore and pain from my aching neck and jaw as well as a sore throat.

As he subsided, he spoke gently but firmly to me, fondling me once again.  He held me to him and told me he was proud of me and how he was also going to rape my ass.  As i knelt by him in my blindfold darkness, a new fear possessed me.  His cock had seemed so big, how would my ass cope?

First though, he switched on my TV and loaded a pornographic video into the machine.  i could not see what he was watching but i could hear the unmistakable noises of sexual activity and i could feel his hand gently stroking his own member while he watched.  Not before long, he told me to get back to work on his cock and my head was guided down back over his newly erect member.  He did not manipulate my head this time but allowed me to quietly work my tongue over, around and along it, taking it fully into my mouth every so often until, after what had seemed forever, he stood up and guided me so that my face was down into the sofa.  i felt his hands pull down my panties and with his feet he pushed my knees as far apart as they would go.  Something wet then smeared first around my ass and then pushed inside by his fingers.  i think i whimpered at him then to not hurt me but i had no response from him other than gentle but firm pressure on my virgin ass as he slowly but inexorably pushed his cock inside me.  It was difficult to begin with and he retreated and added more lubricant before returning, first opening me a little more with a finger, then two and getting me more ready to accept him so that when his cock returned to my ass for the second time, i felt it make a little headway and then a stab of pain followed by a feeling of ecstasy as his cock slid deep inside me.  That stab of pain was intense and i feared he had split me but it was forgotten quickly as his cock penetrated my ass much further than any dildo i had practiced with before.  i found myself moving with him, following his rhythm, wriggling my ass trying to impale myself even further onto him.  His hands were cupping my breasts and pinching my nipples and i ached again for release but it was he who came first, his body shaking and convulsing within me.

He pulled out of me, somehow managing to leave his cum filled condom inside me.  As i knelt there i could feel his cum trickling out of it and onto my leg and then into my panties which he pulled up for me.  Then, he was back in front of me and i was tasting him again as i cleaned off his cock with my tongue.  It was becoming flaccid now and was easier for me to manage and so i soon had it cleaned to his satisfaction.

He helped me to stand and then led me back to my kitchen table where he bent me over as i had been when he arrived.  He placed a small key in my hand and told me it would release me from the cuffs once he had gone but i was not to attempt release until i heard my door close behind him.

He left me then, still dressed as a whore and now feeling like one in cum soaked panties, his jizm still seeping out of my ass.  i had not even seen his face!  i removed the cuffs and the blindfold only to find myself still in the dark.  He had switched out the lights.  When i put them back on, there on the kitchen table was a small envelope which i opened and found inside a $5 note and a message which said “Thank you slut, until next time!”  And so i was just what i felt, a $5 whore.

Friday December 4th 2009 – Coping with sexual arousal and frustration while locked in chastity

This morning, i chose silver grey satin matching bra and thong to wear beneath my male outer clothes.  No lace today but cute little silver bows, one in the centre of the bra and the other in the front centre of the thong.  i love the sensual feel of satin against my skin and am really enjoying sleeping on the satin PJ’s i bought last week, so much so in fact that i am always reluctant to take them off in a morning, preferring to lie in bed as late as i dare and playing with my nipples through the cool, soft material.  Not that playing with my nipples in such a way is good for me. Quite the contrary, it increases my already aroused state and adds to my frustration at being unable to have an orgasm due to being locked in chastity.  Right now, i am feeling extremely aroused both physically and emotionally but the CB-2000 cock cage and chastity device is keeping me from gaining any sort of release or pleasure.  It keeps me in a constant state of arousal and awareness of my position and status as Mistress Ana’s sissy slave and keeps Mistress Herself in the forefront of my mind even though at the moment we are on opposite sides of the world.

As previous entries in this blog have demonstrated, there is no way i can bring myself to an orgasm without removing the CB-2000, something that would not only be a complete betrayal on my part of the trust Mistress places in me but it would also show failure and unworthiness which, at best would result in severe punishment from Mistress but at worst, could mean dismissal from Her service, something that i dare not even contemplate. i adore Her and love serving Her so much that to be dismissed would be more painful than the most severe beating She might ever inflict upon me.  And so, i carry the growing frustration with me along with the constant reminder of being entirely under the control of my Owner, Mistress Ana.

In idle moments during the day, this frustration returns so i try to keep busy.  If i am ever not busy, my distraction is always thoughts of Mistress and the longing for being back with Her and the relief that only She can give me.  Mistress Ana is acutely aware of the sensitive nature of my nipples and that they are almost hard wired to my cock and She has become skilled at driving me to orgasm by playing with them, teasing them, pinching them, sucking and biting on them with increasing intensity until and beyond the moment when my whole being is rocked by a climax that bursts out from deep within me.  These orgasms surpass any that i have ever experienced in masturbation and the memory of them and the hope for another on my return to Her is enough to help me through the times like now when my sexual frustration rises to a peak.

Wednesday November 25th 2009 – My birthday – In the pink!

Yes, my birthday!  Not that at my age it is anything particularly special but special enough for me to linger a little longer in bed this morning, teasing my nipples through the satin of my PJ’s and fantasising of what might have been had i been born in a woman’s body.  All quite arousing both phyisically and emotionally but not good for a gurl in chastity!  So, i did not linger too long but got up and shaved, showered and moisturised.  i treated myself to my twice weekly depilation, exfoliation and moisturisation and when i had done, added an extra splash of perfume before slipping into a lovely matching pink lace and mesh bra and thong set which i really love.  It had to be pink today of all days!  What a pity i had to be at work and so had to put on ugly male clothes over the top!  i wore the pink, grey and brown shoes that Mistress Ana brought me from Thailand which was appropriate because as soon as i got to my desk this morning She was online and we were able to chat briefly.  She was very tired and had had to delay Her departure for Thailand because the equipment She was taking proved too big for checked in baggage and had to be sent by courier.  As a result She was only wait-listed on the next flight so i am hoping all went well and that She has arrived safely.

We did discuss Mistress’ ideas for a forthcoming lunch She will throw for D/s friends and associates and She will want myself and Her other slave, Paul to be there to serve in all meanings of the word and She did intimate that it would be a cock and pussy feast!  i know that will mean giving oral service to Mistress and/or Her guests and it is something i have long fantasised about.  i have said before on these pages that being a slave in a situation that is entirely private is fine but there is something special when one’s servitude and devotion to an Owner is demonstrated publicly in this way.  Many would consider it to be humiliating and degrading but in essence it is quite the opposite for it shows strength of character and devotion to another that speaks volumes more than the average expression of devotion in a vanilla relationship.  When the time comes, i shall serve to the best of my ability in whatever manner Mistress requires for i consider myself to be an extension of Her body and will, an instrument for Her pleasure and am proud to be chosen for whatever purpose She considers me suitable.

Mistress and i also have been discussing a new local Chapter of an ClubFEM, an international organisation for Dominant Females and submissive males.  The FEM stands for “Females Enslaving Males.”  They plan to have social gatherings, both vanilla and fetish, and this will be another forum where i shall hope to be able to make public my servitude and position as slave belonging to Mistress Ana.  The Club has a silver pendant and Mistress has asked me to see if i can get a gold version made for Her while i am away,   a task that i shall carry out with pleasure.

TheClubFEM silver pendant

The rest of my day was like any other day at work and with so much going on at the moment as i try to generate business, quite hectic.  i worked into the evening even though it was my birthday.  i had planned on dressing fully “en femme” and venturing to a bar for a drink but it became impossible when my associate decided that he was not going anywhere this evening.  i could have gone out in male mode but saw nothing special in that so decided to just work on and listen to music while i did so, holed up in my room with the door locked where at least i could slip into a dress and wig, be my feminine self and catch up on some useful document preparations.

Thursday November 19th 2009 – Virtually dressed and in love with shoes

That feminine feeling lasted through the night and i woke this morning feeling very sexy in my pink satin PJ’s and also very horny.  i knew of course that while being sexually aroused felt good, it was not going to lead to anything.  My cock pressed against the CB-2000 cock cage chastity device reminded me of that.  It was not a painful or uncomfortable pressing for i cannot get really hard but it was enough pressure to feel good and to remind me that that was as good as it was going to get.  i lay on my back in bed, luxuriating for a moment in my feminine nightwear and couldn’t resist running my hands up over my breasts and feeling the cool sating against my nipples.  This of course increased my arousal and had me thinking of Mistress Ana and imagining, as i lay there with my eyes closed, that they were Her fingers toying with my nipples.  It was not the same though and, knowing that this was only going to lead to frustration, i quickly got out of bed and headed for the shower.

Choosing clothes to wear from my limited travel wardrobe was quite easy for i still have to wear my male outer clothes over my feminine underwear on work days.  However, this morning, before dressing myself, i went online to “My Virtual Model” and dressed virtually in clothes that i might choose for a day in the office.  This is fun and as close to the real thing as i can get.  The website offers an extensive wardrobe, far bigger than i could ever afford, so i can try on a range of things and have something new every day.  i have of course been using this site for a while and linking my looks created there to my gravatar here, but it was such fun this morning deciding what to wear as if it were real that i think i shall try to do it every day, time permitting.  That finished, i chose the same silver grey satin bra as yesterday but clean silver grey lace panties to go with it under my male clothes.

Work was work and i was busy all day but did find some time to check out some of my favourite websites like “A girl’s guide to shoes.” i love the choices of shoes that Stacy shows on this site and today was no exception and i fell in love with the pairs shown below.  Oh that i could just go out and buy such shoes!  i just love anything with an ankle strap and high stiletto heels.  The higher the heel the better and preferably with no platform, hidden or otherwise!

Gorgeous colour and with ankle strap AND bow!

Classic pump with peeptoe and a very feminine bow

No opportunities to chat with Mistress Ana today so i am wondering how She went with Her exam.  my fingers are still crossed!  i did speak to Goddess Joyce on the phone though.  Baby Vincent has still not arrived and it may be that he will arrive on the same day as m birthday, November 25th!  Goddess has invited me to join them for Thanksgiving, provided of course baby Vincent doesn’t interfere with the plans, so i shall look forward to that.  No doubt too, Goddess will have some errands for me to run or some chores in the meantime.

This evening, i had a late business meeting in the office with my partners and so there was no opportunity to dress fully “en femme” apart from at bedtime when i slipped back into my pink striped satin PJ’s once more.

Thursday November 12th 2009 – A surprise visit to Mistress Ana

What a strange but wonderful day!  It began ordinarily enough with me choosing white underwire bra and white cotton panties with a lace trim to wear beneath my male clothes.  i then went to work expecting the arrival of a plumber to fix our sewage recycling system.  As i was alone in the office and with there being no none in the house either, normally i would have dressed fully “en femme” but, because i was expecting the plumber, i was unable to do so.  i did however take the opportunity to run some of my ladies underwear thro ugh a hand wash cycle while awaiting the plumber’s arrival.  In the meantime, my gardener showed up unexpectedly so it was fortunate that i had not dressed “en femme.”  He didn’t stay long because it began to rain.

After he left, i began sorting and collecting a set of clothes to take with me on my travels next week.  Because i will be leaving on Sunday evening, i needed to get my “femme’ things into my suitcase ahead of time because i will not be able to bring them over to the house at the weekend with my wife around.  i would usually have done this on the Friday but with plans to be with Mistress on Friday, i decided to do it today.

That done, i returned to my desk and found Mistress Ana online and so was able to chat.  Her builders had finished and She wanted me to go over and visit Her today.  i explained that i was waiting on the plumber but would be able to come once he had finished.  As we chatted, i phoned the plumber to find out if and when he would arrive.  He decided instead to come tomorrow!  So, i decided that i would go over to Mistress’ house as soon as i had got my washing dry which had to be done in the drier because of the rain.

While my washing dried, i quickly went and got ready for my visit to Mistress Ana.  This meant giving myself an enema, something i do using the lower outlet in the shower and a plastic connection hose for a shower spray with the rose removed.  It enables me to set the water flow to slow and steady and the temperature close to body temperature and to insert the hose while in the shower unit so as not to make a mess.  It also means that if i go too far and overfill myself, i have only to clean the shower afterward.  Also, the toilet is close by and the floor tiled so it is an ideal location for giving myself an enema and flushing out my rear should Mistress decide She needs to rape my ass or that i need such treatment.

As well as the enema, i decided to depilate and exfoliate today instead of tomorrow and so it was smooth, fresh and clean inside and outside that i set off to Mistress’ house soon after midday.  En route, i practiced my oath a couple of times, reciting it in my “femme” voice for practice.  This is about the only time i get to practice my voice other than when i am fully “en femme” in public so whenever i am on the road alone, i switch to my “femme” voice.

i reached Mistress Ana’s house after 40 minutes and noticed that Lucy’s car was outside.  Once i entered, Mistress sent me to change into my maid’s clothes.  Lucy was busy doing some housework.  i was told to hurry dressing because lunch was about to be served and so i changed quickly and did not bother with make up or items of jewelery.  As we ate lunch together, Mistress, Lucy and i, Mistress told me about Lucy’s marriage break up.  A very sad situation for all concerned.  Mistress, to both of our surprise, handed each of us a plastic bag with small packages to be placed under our respective Christmas trees.  This was a lovely surprise and so very much appreciated.

Lucy had to leave to return to work at 2.00pm after which Mistress and i chatted on a little longer before She decided that i should be punished for my errors with the making up of Her son’s bed.  We retired to the bedroom where, before being punished, Mistress had me suckle in Her breasts and worship at Her altar, lavishing attention to Her pussy.  For me, this was of course much better than being punished but the punishment was only postponed briefly for Mistress quickly had me on all fours on Her bed with my ass exposed and then treated to a sound paddling first and the several stokes of the riding crop.  It does hut but not unbearably and after the stinging sensation of the crop, i soon felt that delicious warm glow spread across my ass cheeks.  Mistress intends that i am constantly reminded of Her while i am away from Her and this is one way of doing so, not the the constant presence of the CB-2000 doesn’t already keep Her firmly placed in the centre of my thoughts at all times.

The punishment over, Mistress returned me to my dutiful worship of Her body, both breast were suckled intently as well as her pussy.  But, Mistress also likes to play with my breasts and nipples and i was delighted by Her attention to them as i worshiped Her’s in turn.  Eventually though, Mistress’ attention became focused entirely on my tits and She aggressively suckled and bit on them, kneaded them and pinched them, reveling in my response for Her actions were clearly arousing me.  Mistress persisted, having told me i was not to come and so i stood as passively as i could, desperately trying not to reach an orgasm.  But Mistress is nothing if not persistent and drove me closer and closer to that orgasm until i could no longer resist and was consumed by that deep internal and uncontrollable series of spasms that shook my whole body.  This was the second time that Mistress has brought me to orgasm by just playing with my tits and nipples.  My cock, encased in its CB-2000 cage, enlarged to fill its prison, remained untouched and still flaccid yet my orgasm was deep and profound and far more satisfying than any masturbation i have ever performed myself.

As i came back down to earth i recall saying just how much i adored and loved Mistress Ana, my Owner, and how fortunate i was to belong to Her.  And it is true for even as i write this, memories of the afternoon and of Her flood back and arouse me yet again.  i am Her slave, i have given myself to Her and as such must bend to Her will and strive to please Her at all times and i find great joy and satisfaction in doing that and if my reward is only ever to be used as a sexual instrument of Her pleasure, it is reward enough.  i thrive on the scent and taste of Her nectar and it is indeed intoxicating.  How could i not strive to be the best slave with such nourishment as an incentive?

But it is more than that.  Afterward, Mistress assigned me to a pile of laundry that needed to be ironed.  What a chore, many would think but to me it was a pleasure to be given the task, it is almost in itself a form of worship, adoration and appreciation of Her for in saving Her this task i am pleasing Her.  And so, as i stood in my black patent leather stiletto heeled pumps in white thigh high stay-up stockings, black mini skirt, blouse, white apron and my long red wig, sweating in the afternoon heat and humidity, i had joy in my heart and sang along with the music Mistress was playing.  Yes, by the time i had to leave, my feet ached, my legs ached, my ass was still glowing and my nipples were tender and sore but inside, my heart was light and my sense of self esteem was high for i had given myself entirely to Mistress and had served Her to the best of my ability and been rewarded.  The only sad thought i had as i left was that i was leaving, that my time serving Her was over for the day.  But i drove away looking forward more eagerly than ever to tomorrow when i shall visit and serve Her again.  What a lucky gurl i am!

Wednesday November 11th 2009 – thoughts on castration and piercing

Before anything else on this day, i think it is important to remember those who gave their lives for the freedoms we all enjoy today.  Anyone who has witnessed the atrocities that are carried out in certain parts of the world today must surely appreciate the sacrifices made by our predecessors who fought in wars for the freedom of their country and the liberation of those that were oppressed.  i do not like war or conflict of any form whether it be on a global, national or personal level but there have been times when it has been necessary to use force to defeat evil and i have nothing but the utmost respect for those who fought and died in such causes as well as those who fight for them today.

That all said, my day today was a busy day at work as per usual, dressed in male outer clothes with white lace bra and panties underneath and the new shoes given to me by Mistress Ana on my feet while sat at my desk.  Although busy, i did manage to get to chat to Mistress Ana online today and was delighted to have received a message from Her earlier stating that she would love to visit me in my office.  It will happen one of these days for sure for i would so love to dress in my sexiest clothes for Her as well as show Her all of my things.

i have in recent days developed a little pastime which i am enjoying.  It is a virtual shopping website where i can try on different clothing and see how it looks on a virtual model of myself.  i have been linking the looks that i have created to my blog as “my look for the day” which i am using as my gravatar.  i am having fun every morning choosing things to wear and wishing i could actually buy them.  The exercise gives me a fuller sense of femininity in deciding what i would really wear and also makes me dream of actually having a female body and i also find it quite arousing.

i have not mentioned the CB-2000 for a day or two.  That means that it is now settled and i am comfortable with the smaller sized ring that i am now wearing.  To date, there is no sign of my rogue testicle escaping and it fits more snugly than before without being as restricting as the smallest ring.  i am wondering though if this enforced chastity might be having the effect of shrinking my cock and balls.  The latter has never recovered its original size since i had my prostate removed and can even appear to have disappeared altogether, back into the folds of skin in that area while my balls would never have got through the opening and middle sized ring in the CB-2000 when i first started wearing it.

i have often wondered about castration, especially at the time of my prostate surgery.  i had a vasectomy a long time ago (20 years) and so do not need my balls for reproductive purposes and there is a notion with prostate cancer that the testicles can exacerbate the cancer through production of testosterone.  There is also a treatment that involves the use of female hormones and i seriously considered castration and hormone treatment at that time.  However, my cancer was caught early and my consultant surgeon did not consider such drastic action necessary at the time.  Little did he realise that for me such action was not drastic but would have been one step closer to achieving the femininity that i so craved.  Today, i think about castration as a means of enabling me to be more feminine.  Without the CB-2000, my balls do not really fit into the sort of delicate lace panties and thongs that i love to wear and with the CB-2000 they extrude outside, something Mistress Ana enjoys seeing, i know, but something that i find detracts from my feminine appearance.  The truth is, i would still prefer to have them removed for they are now an appendage that has no bodily function for me and as far as i am concerned, just get in the way.  However, Mistress probably has other ideas and it is true that without them, the cock-cage  would not be secure and i would need to find another way of being permanently chastised, possibly a piercing like a frenum or Prince Albert in my cock and a chain locking it to the fold of skin at the back of my foreskin.  This would not only prevent its use for anything other than urination but would also keep it out of the way and give me a more feminine profile.  All of this is of course speculation for i must also remember that i remain married and would have all sorts of difficulties explaining such procedures to my wife.

Monday November 9th 2009 – Securely chastised again and dreaming of Mistress

After the difficulties with the smallest ring of the CB-2000, i am happy to say that the next size up seems to be working well.  It is at least not restricting circulation and causing my balls to swell like the smallest size did and it is definitely a closer fit than was the middles size so i am hoping that now there will be no inadvertent escapism by my rogue left testicle.

i spent today working hard in the office, wearing the new shoes that Mistress Ana brought me from Thailand while seated at my desk and with pale blue lace, matching bra and panties beneath my male outer clothes.  Feeling secure and now more comfortable in my cock cage meant that i was able to get on with my work without worrying about it and so with fewer distractions, i managed to put in a very successful day, turning out another completed project and getting it mailed off to my client.

i was out during the evening at a family event, playing soccer with my two boys before going to my eldest son’s house for dinner.  This was the first game of soccer i have played in 30 years and it showed!  Although in my day i had been a good player, this evening my mind was working so far ahead of my body that my age really told on me.  i was not disgraced however, in fact i still managed to surprise some of the younger guys i was playing against, none of them less than 25 years my junior!

Playing soccer in the CB-2000 was not an issue, which surprised me.  Going into the game, i was a bit tentative, not knowing how it might feel and how much it might interfere with my movements but i need not have worried for i never really noticed it at all.

On returning home late in the evening, i managed to make an excuse to go over to the office briefly.  i wanted to go online and make sure that there were no messages from Mistress Ana about tomorrow and my going to Her house to serve Her.  i was so looking forward to serving Her tomorrow that i felt real deep disappointment when i say Her message that the builders were still busy at Her house and that my visit must be postponed until Friday.  i adore Her and love serving Her so much and W/we are both so frequently away traveling that i hate to miss any opportunity to be with Her and although there is still Friday to look forward to it only serves to increase my longing and my need for Her control.

i am wondering though whether Mistress Ana might like to visit me while the builders are at Her house.  i shall be alone in my office all day on Thursday, a day i shall use to be “en femme” all day.  i would love Mistress Ana to visit me here so that She can see all of my wardrobe and my toys and also be able to picture finally the environment in which i live and work so that when we chat online She will be able to visualise my circumstances at any one moment.  She would not need necessarily to stay very long but it would be enough for Her to get even deeper into my psyche and strengthen the control that She has on me by increasing Her knowledge of my circumstances.  It is just a thought and Mistress may well see things quite differently from me but i will make the invitation in any event.

Tuesday August 25th 2009 – Out of chastity after 73 days!

Even though Mistress Ana had commanded me to remove the CB-2000 chastity device this morning, once i got to Her house, i did not rush off there immediately.  One might expect that after more than 10 weeks in the cock cage restraint i would be eager to remove it but the truth is that i have become accustomed to it and was a little fearful that my worshiping session might well prove to be a further undoing if i were to have another orgasm.

Also, i had planned to buy the plants today for Mistress’ garden and the nursery i was going to go to did not open until 9.00am so it was 8.45am before i left home.  i had already loaded my garden fork and spade into the car along with some large polyweave sacks for the removal of rubbish.  At the nursery, i found what i was looking for and managed to get a bargain, 8 plants that should have been $6.45 each for just $40 for the lot.

Once i arrived at Mistress’ house, i first went inside and found the usual basket full of laundry left by Her son.  i started the first cycle of washing and then went back out and began on the garden.  First, i removed the existing plants that Mistress does not care for.  This was more difficult than i anticipated and i broke the shaft of both my spade and my fork in doing so.  But i did get them out.  i then hoed and weeded the bed before planting my 8 plants.  By then, the first load of washing had finished and, it being a lovely day, i decided to hang it out to dry in the fresh air in the garden.  i did this after putting on the next load of washing.

Now, came the hour.  i went upstairs and stripped, then removed the CB-2000.  It felt strange not to have the weight there on my genitals.  i then knelt on the tiled floor of the bathroom and began my worship, reciting my oath while stroking my cock.  This felt so good.  i had taken a “Levitra” pill earlier because my doctor wants me to check their effectiveness in giving me an erection and have been unable to do so while ever in chastity.  As i knelt and stroked, the effect was electric and i was surprised at just how quickly i became hard.  Still not as hard as i used to get pre-prostate removal but harder than i have been in along time apart from when using the injections.  But, oh it did feel good and as i feared, i wanted to cum.  The temptation was there but i slowed down my strokes and took my mind off my cock and focused on my oath and practicing lapping with my tongue, repeating my oath over and over in my head while exercising my tongue. i have no doubt that any small trigger would have had me climax.  Any slight sensation on my nipples would have sent me over the edge but i kept my spare hand behind my back.

After 15 minutes, i had managed not to cum and, still erect, i pulled myself up off the cold tile floor and got dressed into my maid’s uniform and went into the kitchen and began washing dishes before cleaning the surfaces and the floor.  The effect of the worship took a while to wear off.  i felt aroused for some considerable time afterward and the freedom from the cock cage felt strange.  i focused on my chores, hanging out a second load of washing and putting in a couple of items on the hand wash cycle which ran while i finished cleaning.

By 1.30pm, all was done and i changed back to my male outer clothes and headed back to my office and to work.  Without the CB-2000, i can now stand to pee again but even that feels wrong somehow.  i have become used to sitting down to pee and i think i will continue to do so, chastity device or no chastity device.  i appreciate Mistress allowing me this freedom but somehow i hope it is only temporary for the time i am away with my wife because the physical freedom has also a psychological effect in that it reduces my sense of belonging, of being owned and controlled which is something i need and crave.  i know that i still belong to Mistress Ana but without the cock-cage, the constant reminder is no longer there.  The CB-2000 is in effect like a collar, it is a symbol of Her ownership of me and of Her control over me and the truth is, i miss it like i miss Her.

Friday August 21st 2009 – Humbled to orgasm!

i was so incredibly aroused and horny today it was just not funny.  i was unable to concentrate at all on my work.  Fortunately, no one else was around in the office all day and so i was able to dress “en femme” from the moment i arrived at work until late afternoon.  But even being comfortably dressed in turquoise lace bra and panties, tan stockings, corset, bottle green top with white pants, black stiletto heels was not enough to remove the uncontrollable urges i was feeling.  i have never felt so horny and distracted in my life.

i could not even get into my workload never mind focus on it and spent the first part of the morning trying on different wigs and finally choosing a shoulder length black wig for a change.  It was while i was doing this that i encountered again the humbler i had had made in Peru for Mistress Ana.  She had suggested that i smooth the edges and i had done this a couple of weekends ago but i had never tested it.  In fact, i was convinced that i would not be able to test it while ever i still had the CB-2000 chastity device in place.  However, in my horny state this morning, i decided to test whether or not it was possible to fit the humbler while still wearing the CB-2000.  To my surprise, i found that it was possible to fit it and also to tighten the ball crusher on it.  Forced now to my knees by the humbler, i was even more aroused than before, even though my cock was not erect.  It was however pressing against the sides of its constraining cock cage, not painfully so but erotically so such that as i moved around the floor on all fours, the cage itself was rubbing against my enlarged yet still flaccid cock.  This was all too much for me and i could feel myself quickly on the point of orgasm.  Ooohhhhhhh! i knew i should not cum but yet i so wanted to and then again i didn’t want to for i knew i should not do so without permission from Mistress Ana but i had gone too far for even as i moved to try and get out of the humbler, the sensations i was feeling rose to another level and i could not go back, i reached an incredible, strong, deep orgasm, one that built up and exploded from deep within such that i could not even stay on all fours but slumped down so that my face was on the carpet.

i have never had such an orgasm before.  Yes, since my prostate surgery, i have become familiar with dry flaccid climaxes when masturbating but this was incredibly different.  It was similar to that i experienced at the hands, lips and teeth of Mistress Ana as She toyed with my nipples several weeks ago now but in this case no one was playing with my breasts and no one was touching my cock.  It was driven by the deep inner sense of submission i felt while on all fours in the humbler, the unusual position in which it had pulled my cock and balls and the firm but not painful constraint of the CB-2000 on my semi-aroused cock.  It emerged rapidly from deep inside me, like an explosion but not of ejaculate, more an explosion of emotion.  It was manifested by a shattering shaking and contracting of muscles stronger than with other orgasms and left trembling me on my knees with my arms too weak to support my face off the floor.  i lay there afterward for several minutes before struggling back to all fours and then kneeling so as to remove the humbler.  i felt drained, emotionally drained and now more than ever in true adoration of my Owner, Mistress Ana.  This experience, though i know i shall be punished for it because i have had an orgasm without Her permission, shook me for i had not realised i could experience such a combination of physical and emotional climax and it would and could never have happened had Mistress not placed me in chastity.

A day short of 10 weeks in chastity during which time i have reached an orgasm only once and that now several weeks since, had brought me to an unprecedented  state of both physical and emotional arousal.  An arousal the like of which i have never previously experienced and one which precluded me from thinking about my work and had me at such a level that the sense and sensation of submission and Ownership that i felt once in the humbler was enough to take me over the edge.  i know i shall now face punishment for this and that i shall need to learn more control over my climaxes but in my defence, i can only say that i did not set out to have an orgasm, i simply wanted to test the humbler which, i can now honestly confirm, can be worn with the CB-2000 and has had it’s edges sufficiently rounded so as not to cut into my flesh.