Cross Dressing: Deviance or Lifestyle Choice?
This is an article by: (A Woman of the MystressWorld Domme Corps)
She is typical of many of the Domme Corps, well-educated
and working on an advanced degree (several of the Corps
have PhDs).
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Glitz, glamour, sequins and light, sounds like the high life of a celebrity. This is also the description of the chosen, but often secret life of a drag queen. A drag queen is just one example of cross dressing in the form of performance art. As found on Dictionary.com the definition of a cross dresser is “to dress in clothing typically worn by members of the opposite sex.” Thus, by definition, a cross dresser is beyond the “norm” of his or her own gender.
There are many reasons someone might cross dress, including preference, comfort or style, shock value, sexual arousal, an attempt to become more like the opposite sex or to challenge social norms. There is no single reason or justification because a cross dresser would just say: “I am what I am.”
Let me introduce you to Mike. He is 37 years old, Caucasian, married with two daughters and lives in a first ring suburb of the Twin Cities. During the day he works as a computer programmer. Occasionally, at night he likes to go out on the town dressed as a woman. I met Mike on line and we quickly became friends. I was fascinated, curious and, most importantly, accepting of his desire to cross dress. He was interested in finding a woman he could hang out with who would accept him as “Michelle” and treat him as one of the girls when he cross dressed.
I was concerned about his marital status as I don’t condone infidelity. Mike explained to me that he had disclosed his cross dressing to his wife but she told him that she didn’t want to know about it at all and that he should keep it out of their married life. He told me that he was scared to bring up the subject with her in the first place. It had hurt him a lot when she wanted no part of this part of his life. His wife had told him that she didn’t care what he did on his own time as long as it didn’t affect her and their kids. She warned him that if he continued to raise the subject, she would consider ending their marriage. This threat is a perfect example of informal social control. It relies on, “…ridicule, reprimands, threats, revocation of privileges… and complete withdrawal of future possibilities of interaction.” Heitzeg, Nancy A., Deviance Rulemakers & Rulebreakers, West Publishing company, 1996 p.11. He told me that he felt rejected, but also angry that he felt forced to tell her he was out “playing cards” with the guys, whenever he went out to cross dress. He didn’t like lying and felt that when he gave that same excuse over and over again she really knew what he was doing but refused to acknowledge it.
Mike confided in me that he has been cross dressing off and on for many years, beginning at age ten or eleven. He explained that when he was young he would secretly try on his mother’s and sister’s stockings and silky lingerie. Mike also described to me the process of “purging” i.e. throwing or giving away all of his cross dressing attire (women’s clothes, undergarments, wigs, make-up, padding, etc.) in an effort to stop cross dressing. He said that each time he went through this process it only lasted for a few months and he would then spend a great deal of money replacing everything.
His greatest challenge was keeping his cross dressing hidden. He loves doing it but is also ashamed of it. Mike told me that he knew he would never “pass” for a real woman but he really enjoys cross dressing, trying to look and act as close to his idea of feminine, as he possibly can. Mike’s cross dressing was beyond a social norm. He was therefore a deviant. He was one of the “…rule breakers who initiate the labeling process themselves. They start it by signifying their deviance to society.” Heitzeg, op. cit., p.31
On one occasion Mike asked if he could come over to my apartment to get dressed before going out together that evening because he was unable to dress at home. He came over at 7 pm with several small trunks and bags in tow.
He took great pride in showing me some of his outfits while choosing what to wear that evening.
I remember seeing his body movements become more feminine as he made the transformation from Mike to Michelle. He dressed mostly by himself but then asked me to zip up his dress. We put on our make up and did our hair together.
He uses very expensive make up designed for better coverage to mask the shadow of facial hair. He styles his wig before putting it on and then adds final touches to it. We were like two girls priming and primping themselves for an evening out on the town. Thus Mike became Michelle. He asked me to refer to her in only the feminine gender while she was dressed. Therefore Mike will hereafter be referred to as female (e.g. “her”) for the rest of the story until the point that she changes back to Mike.)
Finally we were both ready to go. We hopped into the car and began our adventure. On the way, I realized that I needed gasoline, so we stopped at the nearest station to fill up. Michelle was visibly nervous and uncomfortable and did not want to get out of the car. I pumped the gas and paid quickly as she was getting some rather odd stares and felt uncomfortable. I noticed that other people were staring with apparent disgust or disbelief at her sitting in the car. One woman even shook her head as she walked by the car. I felt that it really was sad that some people can be so closed minded. It was apparent to me that these people were using social sanctions towards us in an attempt to shun behavior with which they didn’t agree, just like Mike’s wife sanctioned him with her “don’t ask, don’t tell” mandate. As noted in Heitzig op. cit., pp.35-36 Michelle was “… most likely to be labeled with the more drastic medical model diagnoses; conduct disorders, personality disorders, psychosexual disorders, and psychoses.” This is true even though she did not appear to have a “gender identity disorder.” See Heitzeg op. cit. p.436
We went to the Town House bar in St. Paul, where there was a drag show later that evening. We each ordered a drink and sat down to talk. As the bar began to fill up with people, we each saw other people that we knew. Our table was a busy one. The Town House Bar is a GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender) bar but all types of people were there to see the show. There were other cross dressers, transgender folks, gay males and lesbian women, straight people of both genders, and people of all ethnic backgrounds and races. The drag queens, some dressed already and others just arriving were mingling with the crowd before the show. Michelle and I were enjoying ourselves she clearly felt very comfortable and accepted. It appeared to me that you would not find a more accepting group of people anywhere else. There were lots of hugs, cheek kisses, and overall warmth. Michelle introduced me to a few of her friends and told me all the gossip about the drag queens and other “girls” of which she was aware. One of her friends, Danielle, was there with her wife Gina. Danielle was a cross dresser and Gina was there to see the show with her. According to Michelle they were regular customers for the Pumps and Pearls revue show.
Just prior to the show’s beginning, Gina leaned over from the next table to comment on one of the drag queen’s outfits. I asked her how she came to accept that her husband was a cross dresser. She told me that he was an attentive and good husband who was very supportive of her and anything that she did. She wanted to be as supportive in return, even if it was an unusual activity that her husband enjoyed. Gina explained that at first it was a little unusual and felt awkward but when she learned how important it was to her husband, her acceptance has drawn them closer together. She also explained that when her husband is dressed as a woman she feels like they are girlfriends and that their conversation changes into a girl to girl conversation. She said it is like having two friends in one person. Michelle told me later that she was a little jealous because she had hoped for that sort of acceptance in her own marriage. Its absence gave rise to feelings of rejection.
The show began and the costumes were fabulous. There were colorful dresses, sequins, feathers, and elaborate make up. Some of the drag queens looked just like men in dresses and others looked very feminine. There was even one drag queen who really was a woman. The gossip on her was that she just enjoyed performing at drag shows for money while going to school. Apparently she was so good at imitating femininity to some exaggerated level that no one minded that she really was a woman. I heard many comments about her make up job being the best in the show. It was all quite unique and fun. Was it deviant?
A few of the performers actually sang and danced instead of lip syncing. Michelle and I chose our favorites and lined up behind other eager spectators to give the drag queens a monetary tribute (usually $1). The cross dressers, drag queens and even my friend Michelle were uniquely and elegantly feminine though exaggerated. Most of them used feminine gestures and social etiquette that has long since been ignored by the majority of females.
In fact, Michelle made it a point to let me know in one of our discussions how disappointed both she and some of her other cross dressing friends were over the loss of such “feminine” behaviors in most of today’s young women.
After the show we left right away as Michelle needed to get home to her wife. On the way home we talked about the evening. Michelle told me that she really enjoyed going out with me and that she hoped we could do it again soon.
We talked about the gas station stop. Michelle explained that because of situations like that she will not go out alone. She says that it could potentially be dangerous if she should run into people who didn’t accept or understand her. We went back to my apartment where the transformation back to Mike was a lot quicker than the transformation the other way. Once Mike had finished showering and changing he packed up all of his cases and trunks. While packing one of them he pulled out a negligee that was not appropriate to wear out on the town but could be worn to lounge around the house. Mike asked me if I wanted it because he didn’t think he would ever have the opportunity to wear it at home. I asked Mike where he kept all of his things since his wife wanted no part of his cross dressing. He said he keeps them at one of his cross dressing friend’s house, but it is something of a hassle to coordinate times to retrieve it and he is only occasionally able to get his precious items to use.
It was very late, Mike loaded up his car and I gave him a hug goodbye.
That was one of the last times I saw Mike. I have talked to him a few times by IM chat on the computer, but we have never managed to schedule another night out. I do know from the chat sessions that he was spending more time at the house where he kept his cross dressing outfits and he was still occasionally cross dressing. I believe that he had gone through another of his purge sessions within a month or two of that night. I must have been purged along with all of his clothes, wigs and make-up. I sometimes wonder what he is up to and if he still finds time to cross dress in a safe and comfortable place, with people who are accepting of his needs. I sincerely hope so.
I still wonder whose behavior was deviant. Was it Mike’s wife who pretends that all was normal as she defined “normal” to be, but in doing so knowingly rejected the core of the person with whom she lived and had children; or was it Mike who confided in her his needs, desires, and fears? Who makes the rules in a family? Who decides if the rules or norms have been broken or defied? Who decides the punishments for rule breakers? Is one person capable of fairly playing all of these roles? Whose behavior was deviant at the gas station, Mike who was fearful, ashamed, embarrassed but yet happy to be going out to be with friends, or the other customers whose self confidence level was so low that they could only reject him for his apparel and make-up – not because he did anything bad to them?
Was I deviant for accepting him as he was and desired to be or should I have rejected him because he was nothing like my father or grandfather or brothers, or any normal” (whatever that means) adult male that I know? Maybe I was just an enabler of deviance. I hope not. And what about those at the GLBT bar who saw Michelle (and even me) as “one of the gang”? Did Michelle magically shed her deviance when she walked into the bar, only to regain it when she left my apartment? At what point does each of us become deviant in some one else’s eyes; or are we like the poor in that God must love us because he has made so many deviants, each in their own way. It was clear to me that Mike’s “…interaction with others greatly influenced [his] view of [himself].” From his interaction with his spouse and the gas station strangers he felt shame. From his interactions with me and the crowd at The Town House bar he felt pride. See Heitzeg op. cit. p77
It was my conclusion that Mike’s real crime was that he was a married white man with kids, living in the suburbs with a good job and they are not entitled to dress as they please, but only as some elements of society believe they should. The need to cross dress was part of Mike’s personhood. Not only was his cross dressing rejected but so too was his personhood by all except those with whom he found kindred spirit. While his “deviance” was informal his sanctions were no less formal and hurtful whether enforced by his spouse or total strangers; and even by himself. Mike’s “deviance” could not be more visible, except when he chooses to hide it and when he hides, he hurts even more. Mike is easy to label. By labeling, society does not have to get to know him.
(end)
Are all submales crossdressers? No.
Are all sissyboys crossdressers? No
Are all crossdressers submissive ? No.
Do all MW Dommes like to train crossdressers ? No
Do some, however ? .. Yes, if the boy has submissive
need also.
Should all MW Dommes “understand” what makes a crossdresser tick? Yes
MystressWorld is a laboratory when boys are studied, poked, prodded, mounted (well maybe later) and the MW Domme gets to take the most interesting of boys home .. to have and to keep for her own.
For enrollment information, visit the Training (web) Site at:
or write Mystress at YesMystress@ yahoo.com
